Brutus, a fatted calf in the household of Nehemiah, son of Zachariah, of the Tribe of Benjamin, in the Land of Judaea, has appealed for calm in the wake of Nehemiah’s younger son Reuben returning home after many years in exile abroad. In his view, only muted rejoicing is in order.
‘Yeah yeah, he was lost but is now found, he was dead but is now alive, etc. etc.’ Brutus told reporters. ‘Fine but lets not forget that Reuben took his portion of goods that felleth to him and took his journey into a far country and there wasted his substance with riotous living. But for a mighty famine and being reduced to looking after pigs for a living, we’d never have heard of him again.’
According to eye witnesses, Reuben returned to his father’s house yesterday, saying he had sinned against heaven and before him and was no more worthy to be called his son. However, Nehemiah, saw him, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. He then told his servants to bring forth the best robe, and put it on him and put a ring on his hand and shoes on his feet and ordered a feast to be prepared.
Support for Brutus’s stance came from Nehemiah’s older son Levi That is Called Amos, who said: ‘What about me, who these many years did serve my father, neither transgressed I at any time his commandment, yet was never once was I given a kid, that I might make merry with my friends? And that’s not a Michael Jackson joke, before anyone starts.’
Added the Fatted Calf: ‘That conniving little toerag, he just buggers off to Assyria to gamble and drink strong liquor and consort with harlots, then comes swanning home without a care in the world and expects a party. Bastard.’
However, Reuben himself is looking forward to veal with all the trimmings for the first time in many years. ‘Pissed my money away, came back and got some more – what a result. Apparently little Brutus thought he was being brought up to be a stud bull – yeah, I know, a flabby little sod like him! You couldn’t make it up.’