Tiddles, a black and white cat that was put in a locked steel chamber with a source of radiation, a hammer and a flask of hydrocyanic acid by an Austrian physicist, has shocked the world of quantum mechanics by revealing that the reason he is both alive and dead at the same time is because he is a cat and does what the hell he likes without regard to anyone or anything.
'Schrödinger - honestly what a gormless berk,' said Tiddles in a brief pause between licking his own genitals. 'He completely missed the point with all that clever-dick stuff about quantum superposition and the randomness of whether or not a radioactive atom decayed and emitted radiation.'
'Apparently an atom can exist as a combination of multiple states corresponding to different possible outcomes Yeah, whatevs. The atom can decay all it likes, sunshine, but it won't set off the hammer to smash the flask and release the acid because I'm fuckin' rock and the hammer wouldn't fuckin' dare. See these claws, hammer? Fancy some, do you? Naah, didn't think so.'
Tiddles then walked disdainfully around the chamber for a few seconds, before scratching violently on the walls and removing enough metal flakes to catalyse a reaction with the purified air and render the whole experiment invalid.
'Of course,' he concluded. 'All this happened 80 years ago, so I should be dead by now anyway but I may or may not have decided otherwise, because, at the risk of repeating myself, I'm a cat. Hey, Erwin, I fancy some fillet steak now - let me out of here and I might condescend to sit on your lap later ... No? Ah well, your loss. See that - that's my arse, that is.'
