In a bold move aimed at reducing the budget deficit, Chancellor George Osborne has announced the Government’s intention to privatise the UK’s stockpile of orphans and children in care within the year. Speaking to a stunned audience at the British Association of Social Workers AGM, the Chancellor outlined his plans.
“One has only to read the works of Charles Dickens to see that once orphans are freed from the shackles of state intervention they are free to explore their full potential. They can go on to inherit untold wealth from a well wisher or long lost relative, or be mentored by a nice old man to form some kind of business collective in the East End of London where they can sell on silk handkerchiefs and drink Gin. As part of this Government’s ‘Big Society’ program, local volunteers known as ‘Beadles’ could look after the orphans in local communal buildings known as ‘Houses of Work’, where they would be employed to earn their keep in a sort of apprenticeship scheme.“
Going on to explain how selling orphans could cut Britain’s CO2 emissions, he said “Every one of these children is an asset to the country, and assets are there to be sold off in times of need. These children could be sold to companies here who would make footballs, training shoes and cheap tat for pound shops in this country rather than importing goods made by child labour half a world away.”
Many in the Audience were clearly moved to tears by the Chancellor’s words, while others had to be restrained from storming the stage, presumably to show their appreciation, before he could continue.
“The UK currently has some 61,000 children in care costing the taxpayer many of millions of pounds a year. In the current financial climate we simply cannot continue to carry this burden. Every child in care is taking money that is needed to pay six figure salaries to council bosses, heads of Quangos and BBC management. Without this privatisation, how can we as a nation continue to fund million pound pension pots for senior civil servants? It is simply a question of priorities. “