A pair of cloned Kray twins is to be released into the East End of London as part of a new conservation project aimed at restoring law and order.
‘The locals are always saying how things were better when the Krays were in charge,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May, ‘well now we have an opportunity to test that theory.’
This is the first time that Krays will have been released into the wild since the last pair was taken into captivity in 1969. ‘We are hoping that reintroducing Ronnie and Reggie into the area will put an end to petty crime,’ said the Home Secretary, ‘of course there will be a price to pay, but that’s how protection rackets work.’
The clones, created from DNA extracted from the original Kray twins, have been nurtured at a secret gangland conservation park, cared for by surrogate mother Barbara Windsor and raised on a diet on Jack ‘the Hat’ McVitie’s biscuits.
‘I can’t wait to see these wonderful creatures back in their natural habitat,’ said conservationist Bill Oddie, ‘what a privilege it will be to watch them as they follow their natural instincts towards arson, armed robbery and pub-based murder. I have already set up a hide, and I suspect many others will be doing the same.’
‘Things will be just like the good old days,’ said one delighted Bethnal Green resident, ‘you always knew where you were with the Krays, even it was pinned up against a wall with a knife to your throat.’
However, some experts believe that the arrival of the twins could upset London’s delicate gangland ecosystem. ‘It will be like the grey squirrels all over again,’ warned naturalist Chris Packham, ‘the Krays will squeeze out the native species of hoodlum as they start to move in on their turf. Before long they will totally dominate the area.’
‘Don’t worry, we’ve thought of that,’ said Home Office advisor ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser, ‘To keep them in check we will also be introducing a cloned Richardson Gang. Nothing can possibly go wrong.’