I found a sheet of paper on the underground near the South Bank. At first I though it was an MI 6 document, then i realised it was even more top secret than that! It's a page from the sript of the next James Bond movie...
ONLY SPIES AND HORSES - SHOOTING SCRIPT - PAGE 12
INT: A FLAT IN PIMLICO - DAY.
JAMES BOND IS WATING. FRUSTRATED, HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. HE HURRIES TO OPEN IT. HE IS SURPRISED WHEN A SMALL MAN IN A CAMEL COAT, DRIPPING WITH GOLD, PUSHES HIS WAY IN CARRYING A SPORTS BAG.
DEL: Bonsoir, bonsoir, my son. Oh, encore une fois, what nice place. I've got a little flat like this myself.
DEL: Nah, just off the Peckham High Road.
BOND: I was expecting someone from MI6, one of the technical boffins with some new kit for me to try out.
DEL: That's right, I've just come from the head poncho himself.
DEL: Nah, nah, I got straight in to see him. Anyway, he give me this for you.
DELL HANDS OVER THE SPORTS BAG.
BOND: (UNCONVINCED.) A sports bag?!
DEL: That's where you're wrong my son. This isn't just any old sports bag.
BOND: (SNIFFS.) No, it's a smelly sports bag.
DEL: Yeah, sorry about that, young Rodders used it for his football kit this weekend. A bit of air freshener and that'll soon go. No, this is a 'transforming' sports bag.
BOND: A 'transforming' sports bag?
DEL: Mondo rapido! If you get into trouble, you climb in it, press a button, and, Bob's yer Uncle, Fanny's yer Aunt, it turns into mini-submarine.
BOND: (LOOKING INTO THE BAG.) Where's the trigger?
DEL: He's down the Nag's head with Uncle Albert.
BOND: When should I use it?
DEL: A soon as you get the signal on this.
DEL HANDS HIM A MOBILE PHONE.
BOND: A Blackberry?
DEL: Not exactly no, this is a Raspberry...
DEL PRESSES A BUTTON AND THE PHONE LET'S OUT A LOUD RASPBERRY.
DEL: (CONTINUES) See? It's an Amstrad knock off. British through and through, made in Taiwan. As soon as you hear that sound, jump in the bag and you'll be safe as houses. Right, bung me a monkey and I'll be out of here.
BOND HANDS DEL SOME MONEY.
DEL: (CONTINUES.) Cushty! Listen John, it might be an idea to check it out first, just to be on the safe side. Pop it in a bath of water, and climb in. You know it makes sense. Anyway, can't hang round here all day chattin'. Air Lingus, as they say in France, time flies.
WITH A SIGH, BOND HEADS FOR THE BATHROOM.