Police investigating the death of mathematics graduate Gareth Williams whose body was found in a holdall in the bath say they are treating his death as “suspicious and unexplained” prompting millions of people to ask: ‘Just what is it they pay you for exactly because from where I'm standing it's not immediately obvious ? ‘
Police had hitherto been working on the theory that Williams had applied his analytical mind to a practical demonstration of the Archimedes principle using his own body mass as a means of water displacement and had simply forgotten about the dangers inherent in zipping yourself up inside a sports bag and improbably levering yourself into a bath given that both your arms are inside it.
Indeed, many working on the case have ruled out a link to his work for MI6
and instead devoted a substantial amount of man hours to the ‘Blaine Hypotheseis’.
They believe Williams, an impressionable and unassuming man, may have nursed a secret admiration for the flamboyant US attention-seeker and sought to copy one of his less-publicised stunts - carried out when he was struggling for fame. In that incident, Blaine can be seen zipping himself up inside a Berghaus rucksack before shuffling to the edge of a canal and throwing himself in. The stunt attracted 6 hits on Youtube and a number of disparaging comments ranging from ‘twat’ to ‘a pleasant day’s fishing no doubt ruined for someone.’
Meanwhile police are treating the death of a man found decapitated at the bottom of the Thames with his feet encased in concrete and owing thousands of pounds in gambling debts to a notorious East End gangster as ‘a bit iffy’ ; especially following the discovery of a note at the man’s flat which read: ‘Pay up now you bastard or I will fucking kill you. Probably in the traditional manner by, first, removing your head with a chainsaw ,then standing your corpse in cement so that you sink like a stone because I am one bad mutha you don’t want to mess with. ’
Detective Brian Wilkins of the Met said:
‘We are not ruling out anything at this stage. We don’t know whether the victim had access to a particularly large supply of quick drying cement and was just really really clumsy or whether the note was intended in a playful light-hearted way – a joke between friends so to speak that was making a subtle point. Added to that, there are some very unpleasant fish in the Thames who will persistently gnaw at a man’s head given half the chance. I’m thinking radioactive salmon. ’
And relatives of a man found outside a pub in Tower Hamlets with multiple stab wounds and the imprint of a boot etched into his face were shocked to learn that the police are treating his death as suicide. ‘
But Wilkins was quick to play down suggestions of foul play:
‘We know this individual had been going through a particularly rough time following the break up of his marriage and had embarked on a series of reckless affairs with the wives of borderline psychotics. Many of these men have a huge number of convictions for violent behaviour - shootings, crossbow to the face, drowning, machetes and what not but thanks to the excellent rehabilitation work by the prison service have successfully managed to turn their lives around and renounce violence’
‘Surely you’re not suggesting one of them could have done it?’
*as unused elswehere at time of posting