Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR
The UK will set aside £5bn on drones to determine if a ball has crossed the line, with the precision normally reserved for missile trajectories. Predator drones will hover over the pitch to confirm whether a striker’s toe is existentially offside. And instead of slow-motion replay, you will get a 3D battlefield reconstruction narrated by someone deeply serious, probably Jeremy Bowen. An MOD spokesman explained, 'It's about priorities and, let's face it, we all prefer footba
Keir Starmer to serve popcorn for leadership election
Following his charitable visit last week serving popcorn to students in a Milton Keynes Odeon, Keir Starmer has announced he will be setting up his own popcorn stand in the corner of the Labour Party’s upcoming leadership election. ‘He really got into the swing of it, scooping it into bags and adding toppings,’ said the Downing Street Press Secretary. ‘He said it felt like the first time in two years he was doing something that mattered. So he has decided that he will cont
Those new Burnham policies in full
As the nation looks forward to a proper northern Prime Minister, with proper northern policies, Newsbiscuit presents a handy guide to what we can all expect. More investment in the north. 'Currently the north's benefits bill is a huge drain on the rest of the country,' said Andy Burnham today. 'Instead, we should send just as much money north, but call it investment. Which would in some way be better.' The national anthem to be replaced by the music from the Hovis ad, or the
Zia Yusuf 'Happy to accept explanation'
Home affairs spokesman for Reform UK Zia Yusuf has said he is 'completely satisfied' with Nigel Farage's explanation as to why he has been blocked from standing as a candidate at by-elections. Yusuf refuted suggestions that the block has anything at all to do with the colour of his skin. 'Yes, of course this idea crossed my mind at first,' said Yusuf, 'but I challenged Nigel about it, and he was frank and honest with me. He said he could give me five million reasons if he wi
Warm sunshine and lack of drizzle slows the advance of Mancunian Burnham
Keir Starmer's grip on power has proved more slippery than a Peter Mandelson background check. Starmer has the look of a man with his own dark grey Mancunian rain cloud permanently drizzling on him - and with good reason. Scientists now believe that if Sir Keir was accidentally exposed to direct sunlight, he would melt faster than his own waxwork. However, a recent spell of hot weather has helped Starmer out, as the Armies of the North find UV intolerable. The sun is the
Thikipedia: Andy Burnham
Andrew Murray Burnham, aka Andy Murray or Andy Burnham, is a British Labour politician. He was born in 1970 in Aintree, Lancashire, more famous for the Grand National. Although already English, he studied English again at Fitzwilliam College, Cambridge, which makes him a proper toff. He is marred to Mandy Burnham, who he met at uni. They have three children, Candy, Sandy and Randy. He has worked for many famous Labour failures including Tessa Jowell, Chris Smith, Tony Blai
Rachel Reeves transforms UK's gold reserves into lead
The Bank of England has released the shock news that chancellor of the exchequer Rachel Reeves accidentally turned all the 310 tons of gold in its vaults into lead, damp leaves and slime. "We should never have let her near it," sobbed a spokes-cashier for the Bank. "She said she just wanted to pop her head round the door and see how much of Britain's wealth was left for the government to squander. I swear she was down there for less than two minutes. "But when we went to lock
MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader
MPs have lined up to express their anguish and anger over the fact that Sir Kier Starmer didn’t have a secret life. A recently elected representative (who wished only to be known as ‘AB’) said “I am deeply upset that someone who claimed to be a leader was not a serial womaniser or embezzler. I mean he didn’t have numerous affairs or parked an illegitimately gained camper van outside number 11. We knew when we elected him that he seemingly didn’t have a dodgy past, had a good
Trump vows to repair well-oiled machine
A meticulously-maintained machine is the new target of US President Donald Trump and his mission to make everything better. According to the White House, President Trump will fix the model of reliability so that it’s the most reliable machine ever seen, whereas President Barack HUSSEIN Obama only made the machine operate like clockwork. Under the same policy, clocks that work like clockwork will also be mended. There is reportedly no need to invite any qualified organisations
Britons warned about new scam
Experts are warning Britons about a sophisticated new scam. The scam is devastating because the financial consequences are severe for everyone, but the full impact doesn’t become clear until it’s far too late. ‘We’re called it super-bait’n’switch,’ said an infeasibly young so-called scamspert. ‘We want to tell everyone about it so that they can recognise the signs and avoid getting ripped off. ‘Here’s how the scam works. Leader A gets elected on an agreed manifesto, that ha
