Contact has finally been established with 53 million people trapped under a collapsed debt mountain in a struggling first world country. The beleaguered consumers are said to be alive and fairly well informed about celebrity gossip, despite not having been able to afford their Sky subscriptions for the past 14 months.
Rescuing the trapped, who are sheltering on a small rainy island just 240,000 square kilometres in area, may take years, financial mining experts have warned. "Of course, we're not going to tell the poor bastards that," said the chief of rescue operations. "Moving heavy financial instruments into place would take months and, frankly, we're busy saving our own arses at the moment."
Video contact was established Sunday through a narrow tunnel illuminated with false hope. "It was heartening to see the bewildered incomprehension in their eyes," said rescuers. The good citizens, stuck some 900 billion pounds inside the mountain, sent a note to the surface that simply read "WTF!"
Consulting psychologists and disaster pundits have been offering advice to the trapped: "Tighten you belts, make do and mend and construct wild fantasies about the government doing all they can to get you out," they quipped. Super strength cider, daytime television and a moralising tone are being pumped into the debt dungeon round the clock.
33 miners trapped 700 metres underground in Chile are said to be cheered by the news. "And I thought we were in trouble!" chuckled one. In a statement Monday the Chilean government announced that it has halted rescue operations and decided to let the miners dig themselves out since: "they are bloody miners after all!"
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