Josef Fritzl to stand as a Reform UK MP
Rumours abound that Josef Fritzl, the convicted rapist and Vincent Price lookalike, who fathered seven children by his own daughter, could stand for Reform UK at the next election. A spokesman for Reform told Newsbiscuit, "Mr Fritzl is currently in a prison for ‘mentally abnormal’ inmates, so sounds incredibly well qualified to represent our party in Parliament." "Despite the fact that he is Austrian, it is understood that Fritzl is considering applying for UK citizenship and
Oil firms voice concern that Strait of Hormuz may reopen
"Since the US and Israel started bombing Iran, and Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz to oil traffic," said a spokes-louse for the world's leading energy companies, "we have seen the price of crude increase by 50% and the price of petrol also soar. "Purely by coincidence, this is boosting our revenues to frankly obscene levels. "Our greatest fear now is that peace may break out and Iran will reopen the Strait of Hormuz, thereby replenishing oil supplies, bringing prices back to
Khamanei’s son ditches playboy lifestyle to become Ayatollah
Following his father's death, Mojtaba Khamenei - Mojito to his friends - has been forced to abandon his playboy lifestyle to become the new Ayatollah and Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran. ”I guess I always knew it couldn’t go on forever,” he said ruefully, speaking on Zoom to a reporter from Condé Nast Traveller from his penthouse in the Palm Jumeirah. “Only last week I was doing lines of coke off a hooker’s ass along with Don Trump junior, Netanyahu’s son and s
Country run by religious fanatics being systematically destroyed by country run by religious fanatic
Analysts believe that the situation where a country is being destroyed by another country, with both countries run by religious fanatics, is happening right now, in real time. 'Either the United States is destroying Iran with sheer brute force and technological superiority or Iran is destroying the United States with careful pre-planning and an abundance of not-giving-a-shittery. We can't tell right now, it could be either,' said an analyst. 'Of course it could be Russia de
Trump invoices Iran for US war costs
President Trump has demanded five billion dollars from Iran 'on account', until the war is over and the final bill can be calculated. A White House official explained. 'Iran has forced the US to incur massive costs in staff, expenses and munitions. All of these costs could have been avoided if Iran had just surrendered unconditionally at the outset. So it's only fair and reasonable that Iran should reimburse all our costs. We can take cash, or oil. Or we could take payment in
Starmer to deploy very strict regulations to the Middle East
"I regret to say that HMS Puff the Magic Dragon is not yet ready to sail to the Eastern Mediterranean,' Sir Keir Starmer told the nation in a prime ministerial broadcast, 'preferring to live by the sea in a land called Honah Lee - otherwise known as Portsmouth. 'So instead, we will be sending to the war zone a set of very strict rules and regulations. 'In the event of the Islamic Revolution Guard Corps launching missiles on RAF Akrotiri in Cyprus or the Mall of the Emirates i
Starmer makes a dis statement outside Number 10
The UK Prime Minister, wearing some clip-on sunglasses fixed over his spectacles, read out a carefully crafted dis. “'n response to The Notorious DJTs recent comments about us not helping them with an illegal war, I will quote what he said recently about our troops in Afghanistan, we’d only just end up staying a little back, a little off the front lines, so why should we bother? Remember, we’re not dealing with a Roosevelt here.' He carefully placed the mic on the floor and s
Trump explains why he picked on Iran
'I chose to bomb Iran, rather than anywhere else on the planet, since its name strikes a real chord with me,' Trump told the drone fleet in the White House press corps. 'That's because I ran away from military service in Vietnam, and I ran away from my creditors in Atlantic City. 'Also, I ran away from the Epstein investigation by gratuitously starting this war. 'The next place I'll be bombing is Havana. 'That's because I've been Havana great time throwing my weight about as
USA explains the "special" in special relationship means retarded
A four-star General explained: 'We are very mindful of using inclusive language and avoiding harmful labelling. In no way do we want undermine or devalue an individual on the basis of physical impairment, but we can all agree the British are f$*king mental.' The backwards manner in which the UK follows America into one illegal war after another, is a clear sign that the lights on but no one is home. Sending British troops to their death just to get a tickle under the chin by
UK to unleash its top drone in Iran conflict
"In times of war, this is the most effective weapon at Britain's disposal," said a Ministry of Defence spokes-ammunition dump. 'It can throw cold water on any conflict and overwhelm every aggressor out there with feelings of stultifying weariness and lethargy. 'Developed out of the dessicated remnants of a crashingly boring lawyer, we have codenamed our drone the Keir Starmer. 'It can drone for hours on end in the Commons without getting tired of itself, invoking this or that
