Software developers in the Islamic Republic of Iran have entered the fray in the battle of social networking services with the unveiling of its home-grown 'Karrar' Instant Messenger of Death communications system.
Speaking at Karrar's launch ceremony at a military bunker in Tehran, President Ahmadinejad praised the new instant messaging program: 'We must make efforts to render all the enemy's communicators useless with our messaging potential. The Instant Messenger of Death is a messenger of honour and human generosity and a saviour of mankind - providing that all of mankind is using an operating system no older than Windows XP.'
'The Karrar Instant Messenger of Death has all the features a user would normally expect of an online communications package, including basic text messaging, voice and video chat options,' revealed the president. 'The system also boasts a sophisticated peer-to-peer functionality, enabling the user to share files such as photos, MP3s and 500lb precision bombs from a range of 1,000 kilometres. This enables us to reach out to countries on our buddy list - like Israel, to take a completely random example.'
Ahmadinejad was keen to highlight the fun side of the Instant Messenger of Death by demonstrating the wide range of emoticons available. 'As you can see - we have everything from winks and smileys to fist-shaking Ayatollahs declaring jihad against the imperialist western lackeys of the Great Satan - all designed to make your contact's heads ROFL.'
Answering questions regarding the response of other regimes to this new system, Ahmadinejad was bullish: 'There are many nations that are jealous of our technological prowess, but anyone worried about sending flaming anti-American rhetoric can rest assured. Simply change your user status to 'appear offline' and you can avoid all retaliatory sanctions.'
The unveiling of the Instant Messenger of Death then culminated with the surprise announcement that the President would celebrate the occasion by personally ordering the launch of 500 previously hidden nuclear missiles at strategic targets in Europe, America and the Holy Land via the system: 'I hereby send a message to our enemies that- pardon? What do you mean program not responding? Have you tried control-alt-delete? Look up the error code then, or try turning it off and back on again then.'