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shitsu_tonka
offlineMember
In a few weeks a close friend is getting married. It's halfway across the country, I don't know anyone apart from the groom - yes I have, he was all rightish - and I really can't be arsed to go.
Was wondering if any of you witty, creative Biscuits could sort me out with a decent excuse. All I've got so far is 'I've fallen and I can't get up' which probably isn't too convincing.
Extra points if the excuse includes white slavery and/or a Zepplin race. Thanks.
The All New Jeni B
offlineMember
You have a an unspecified friend who was back-packing through the Far East when they were kidnapped by a band of renegades who subsequently sold them to the local important person as a slave.
As this is a very remote area of the world, there is no access via normal means such as planes, trains or cars.
The friend has managed to alert you by pigeon post, having first captured, domesticated and trained the pigeon, and as you have the relevant hiking experience, plus your own tent and camping stove, you are the only person who can save your friend.
To get there you will have to endure all manner of hardship and peril, culminating in a crossing of a desert/mountain range/jungle (Choose whichever suits you) by Zeppelin.
At the last minute, you expect to be almost thwarted in your attempt by the important but very bad person's fleet of military Zeppelins, allowing a race to save your friend.
The All New Jeni B
offlineMember
Thanks Shitsu.
I've been working on suitable excuses for when I start Uni.
fernandomando
offlineMember
Try this- tell them that you have to be in a crown court (your choice) to defend yourself against ridiculous charges of sexual assault. Say that it is all very embarrassing, and that you'd still love to come, but your energy is being focused into your defence.
£50 says they will understand.
Quaz
offlineMember
Say that you'd love to come but can't because you are still married to him and are worried about causing a scene when the vicar asks if there is any lawful impediment to the wedding. Pad it out by saying that he has a gambling problem and you still hold it against him that during the Honeymoon in China he put you up as his stake in a bet over a Zepplin race, which he lost and that you have spent the last 2 years held captive by the white slavers he was betting with. Attempt to smooth over any shock by sending them a "congratulations" card with a picture of kittens on it, and buy them the cheapest gift on the list.
The All New Jeni B
offlineMember
Quaz, you've actually done this, haven't you?
brownpaperreporter
offlineMember
Ah Rikkor, this may be true but that 20 miles would entail 5 hours of arduous traffic, single lane roads and a whole gamut of anti-car obstacles, such as tractors, milk floats, horse and carts, morris dancers (god I hate them) and other traditional English hold-ups
Sympathies with Shitsu - personally I would feign an enormous panic attack "after all, we had, and it left a profound affect on me" and pass on excuses after the event
seymour totti
offlineMember
"I'm sorry I cannot come to your wedding. I have a prior engagement, namely a field trip to the Amazon. I am searching for a tribe who's only previous contact with the world was hearing a radio broadcast of the song 'Stairway To Heaven'. This has led to them being dubbed 'the Zeppelin Race'.
What vows is your 'wife to be' going to make. Love and Honour should be fairly standard. However, I am concerned that, if she promises to Obey (coupled with her dress colour), this could be constituted as white slavery. I only hope your honeymoon isn't cut short with a trip to the European Court of Human Rights.
Your loving friend,
Shitsy"
Time for my tablet and a little lay down I think.
Sharpehunter
offlineMember
Dear Ex-shag, Many thanks for the delightfully surprising invitation to your wedding, it really raised a smile to know that you still think of me. Believe me when I tell you that I don't have much to smile about these days, when you don't have many teeth left and the disease has ravaged your facial features its generally best not to smile at all. Passersby find it rather disturbing you know.
Anyway, back to the Wedding. I am afraid, despite holding a fond place for you in my heart that I will not be able to attend. The drugs kind of work, and on good days I can walk a few steps, but generally I am not much fun to be around. I hope you understand?
Please find enclosed an invitation to my forth coming funeral, which will be held at the Terrence Higgins Trust Congregational Church in the next few months it is hoped. Also I have enclosed a copy of my test results, which technically I should have shared with you before we engaged in no holds barred bottom sex all those years ago.
Enjoy the wedding and best wishes to your darling bride. Hope you enjoy the die cast metal Zeppelin which will hopefully remind you of that night night when you made me go down on you like a white slave..
Love
Shitsy
rikkor
offlineMember
Brown Paper, I hear what you are saying about driving in Britain. In my very American way, I decided one time to drive from London to Edinburgh. I figured that it would take 4 hours when I got out of London traffic. No one ever told me that the highway going north becomes a cart track five miles outside of London. I think it took me almost ten hours. But, Edinburgh was worth the wait.
shitsu_tonka
offlineMember
Please find enclosed an invitation to my forth coming funeral, which will be held at the Terrence Higgins Trust Congregational Church in the next few months it is hoped. Also I have enclosed a copy of my test results, which technically I should have shared with you before we engaged in no holds barred bottom sex all those years ago.
So this is a 'joke' about someone dying of AIDS? Hilarious. Oh wait, no it's not.
Sharpehunter
offlineMember
Oh I see, it's all right to joke about terrorists, plane crashes, Fergies muff, ground zero, prostate cancer, the blind, car accidents, murders, skin cancer and so on.. and of course none of us sent any jokes about Raoul Moat, or the police man he shot in the face at point blank range, or for that matter - human trafficking, the white slave trade, muslims, but all of a sudden we have a conscience when it's about Aids.. Bravo!
The All New Jeni B
offlineMember
I still think my suggestion is the funniest thing I've ever written.
rickwestwell
offlineMember
Nice work Jeni - I'm sure I'll rip it off soon. With due credit, of course.
Hunter's comment shouldn't go unapplauded either - very stylish.
The All New Jeni B
offlineMember
Thank you both, *sob* that means a lot. *Parping sound of nose being blown loudly*
Yes Rick, Hunter's suggestion allows a degree of lee-way which my very specific excuse doesn't, but credit also to the Whisperers beautifully crafted piece.
sauce
offlineMember
This one is sooo cute, too, Shitsu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBrO1qWNY_k&feature=fvw
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