The people of Iraq were last night planning a huge farewell party to thank the troops who have worked so hard to bring about a stable democracy in their country, despite the lack of any formal invitation.
As the country hovers perilously on the brink of civil war, crowds laughed off the imminent danger and gathered in Baghdad High Street dressed in colourful party garb. It was clear many people had brought gifts for the departing soldiers and had even taken the day off work to celebrate.
‘This might look like a car packed to the brim with powerful explosives,’ said Ali Muktar, a resident whose family was wiped out in the so-called Shock & Awe attacks, ‘but in actual fact – each one of these.. er canisters, contains a specially hand-wrapped gift . No – what are you doing? Don’t touch that. It’s very fragile. Is delicate glass swan - took me many hours to make.‘
‘You know, when I lost my wife, I was initially very unhappy about the western pig-dog imperialists and vowed I would avenge her death with every fibre of my being. But now that I’ve had time to think about it, she did have a tendency to bang on about random pointless shit especially when I watch English Match of the Day transmission and Alan Hansen is explaining why Gareth Barry is essentially flawed as a holding midfield player. I’m better off without her. God rest her soul.
‘And as for my five beautiful children – it was always Gameboy this, Playstation that. You know - kids can be a real drain on the family budget . And when one is listening to the great oracle Andy Gray on Sky TV and he is circling defenders with a highlighter pen, only you cannot see which defender is out of position because my blessed three year-old Zeinab is standing in the way holding a toy Meerkat shouting ‘Simples!’ ; then on reflection you realise you’d have been much better off just to buy a dog and rent a one bedroom flat. Liven the place up with a few Pet Shop Boys CDs, and one of those tasteful posters from Athena. That kind of thing. ‘
‘Incidentally, due to the strength of the economy , toy Meerkat now only 9-99 from Total garage’
‘Thank you George Bush and Tony Blair. Because of your generosity every child in Iraq can own toy Meerkat and re-enact Great Battle of Fearlessness with opposing Mongoose army on living room carpet .‘
‘Or at least the few that are left who had the good sense not to stand in the way of one of your excellent cluster bombs.’