ASBOs to be replaced with community-treadmill service, providing green energy.
Northamptonshire Police are working in partnership with the local Borough Council to replace ASBO's with a new form of community service for young offenders, entitled "Work It Out Utilities", or WIOU's. The scheme will see youngsters, who would previously have been placed under an ASBO, given a Wattage-Order. They will be made to walk (or run, if they can be bothered) on treadmills connected to the local authorities Utility grid where the power is then harvested and stored. The energy stored will be used to power all manner of public services from essentials like air-conditioning in the council offices, and web kiosks that translate local service information into 37 different languages, to non-essentials like street lighting and refuse collection, using the new fleet of electrically powered trucks.
In a joint statement (in English only), the Constabulary and Council said, "This scheme offers offenders the opportunity to really give something back to the community. The sentence will be measured by the number of Watts produced, with repeat offenders welcomed, especially during hot months when the office air-con needs running longer". "It will also keep these yobbo's off the streets during Cruise-Season, you can't drive a crappy Corsa with a broken exhaust and no tax, insurance or MOT, while you are on a treadmill". No food or mobile phones will be allowed during the 15 minute treadmill sessions, "we had to come up with a simple name for the scheme so the youngsters could text their mates an acronym they COULD spell, before entering the stations, to indicate they would be away from their mobiles for an extended period". "So many young people today get seriously stressed when their mates do not respond to a text immediately, we had to make it easy for them to pass on the message quickly with an acronym", said Councillor Boyne.
Local medical professionals also backed the new initiative, stating "It would help increase the overall fitness of young people", adding, "the courts should consider greater Wattage Orders for obese people to encourage weight loss, but only as part of a calorie controlled diet regimen", "we don't want them dropping down dead do we".
Local residents are concerned that the installation of the Work It Out Utilities stations, near their homes, will simply create a new place for kids to congregate instead of the local shops, parks or pubs. The Council sought to dispel these fears, saying it had been approached by a number of fast food chains in the town, offering to give over part of their car park to WIOU stations, in return for advertising space inside the stations. "Any Council resident may use the WIOU stations at any time to obtain Citizen Credits", Councillor Boyne explained, "you do not need to be under a Wattage Order to use the WIOU's, anyone can come along". The credits can then be used to, bribe council officials, obtain council services unfairly, or simply 'jump the queue' at the library/benefits office/lottery kiosk and a host of other local and national public service points.
Virgin Active Gym have labelled the initiative unfair, "giving people the opportunity to work-out for free denies our boss of long holidays", the spoke-person said, "we provide these same services, people can both work-out for short periods and congregate aimlessly, waiting for equipment to come free in our facility".
Concern amongst those who oppose the scheme that a long term reduction in offender numbers would lead to power shortages, have been assured by the Constabulary “There will be no shortage of offenders”.