A Middle Eastern consortium is in talks to buy the London Olympic Stadium after the 2012 Games and turn it into a modern-day Coliseum.
The shadowy forces behind the bid are believed to be senior figures in Al-Qaeda who see the revival of the ancient Roman tradition of persecuting Christians as the latest move in their war on terror-stricken Westerners. Hapless churchgoers will be forced to fight for their lives against some of the meanest and most violent warriors ever assembled this side of the Britannicus Oceanus.
The bloodthirsty audience will demand nothing less than a victory for their gladiatorial heroes, and organisers are expected to load the odds in their favour. Early indications are that the gladiators will have the very latest in armour-piercing weaponry, while the Christians will have nothing more than a paper plate and the spork from a Pot Noodle.
The consortium’s spokesman, Omar Aziz Al Jaber, currently Director of Public Persecutions at Tower Hamlets Borough Council, said, ‘We enjoy two things most of all: sport and religious genocide, and this provides us with the ideal opportunity to combine the two. Plus it gives us an excuse to rid the world of a few Christians. I hate them all: Christians, The Christians, Terry Christian, and most of all, that big gay Christian off Eastenders. I look forward to seeing them all hacked to pieces.’
Should the deal go through, it is believed the consortium may be seeking a ‘name’ to headline its first bill. Celebrity God-botherers such as Tony Blair and Sir Cliff Richard have already been warned about their safety, while Sister Wendy is believed to be in hiding somewhere on the continent.
Predictably, Christian groups have already begun to air their concerns. The Archbishop of York, the Most Reverend John Sentamu, said, ‘To think of Cliff rolling around with a naked, oiled demi-god hewn from the sturdiest oak, square of jaw and tight of buttock, is enough to make one’s gorge rise. And the idea would be absolutely abhorrent to him. Sir Cliff Richard would rather stick his penis in the mouth of another man than engage in this sort of activity.’
Even if the consortium is able to do the deal to purchase the stadium, acquiring a licence for gladiatorial combat may prove slightly trickier. However, the Arabs have already engaged the services of leading UK lobbyists, BP, to manage the negotiations on their behalf, and they remain confident of success.