Citing decisions made (or not made) by his past self that have severely inhibited his current freedom, Matthew Borey of Orpington, Kent, today formally declared war against his past self.
The declaration explained that "Since it has become apparent that my past self was a bit of a twat, and since I have yet to receive any apology or reparations for the twatty decisions made by my past self, I have no choice but to declare myself to be at war with myself in the past."
The declaration went on to explain that "It will be necessary to invent time travel in order to wage war with the directness and ferocity required, but this is a minor obstacle now that I am formally on a war footing. I shall direct all my resources and all my rage into eliminating this and all other obstacles to me obtaining my revenge."
Rumours in Orpington pubs suggest that once Mr Borey has successfully punished his former self for inhibiting his freedom, he intends to launch a punitive war against 'all external factors' that do the same. "He certainly does love freedom," one anonymous drinker said. "So I don't think I'll be betting on 'external factors'."
Matthew Borey's declaration of war against his past self is the culmination of years of complaining about decisions he himself made and the effect they had on his life. "I think he'd had enough of talking about it," said one friend. "He just couldn't take his past self's nonsense any more and decided it was time to act."
Mr Borey has said that he will respect the Geneva Convention at all times, though he will regard all versions of his former self as combatants.