Hundreds of wheelclampers are preparing to return to their former activities of intimidation, beating and blackmail after the government announced a ban on clamping.
“Over the years we’ve made good money from things like loan sharking and protection rackets,” said Richard Turpin, of Dagenham Personal Security. “But when this clamping idea came along we left all that stuff behind. It’s been a much better way of extorting money from people. It’s easier, and avoids all that unnecessary violence. Usually.”
All that changed when the government today announced that clamping will be banned on private land.
“It’s been good while it lasted,” said Turpin. “I guess we’ll just have to go back to other forms of daylight robbery instead.”
Julia Amos of the Home Office said, “Private firms have been taking a fortune from unwitting members of the general public for years now, but it’s immoral and it has to stop. Only the government should be doing things like that.”