By New Joisey Gazette's diplomatic correspondent, Hugh Yascrewindontknowineverbintothezoobefore
President-erect Sir Donald Trump Sir today held a meeting with Nigel Farage, the People's Prime Minister of Europe, and rewarded him for his unique assistance provided in making Sir Trump Sir the glorious victor in the presidential election.
In a move that made many commentators laugh like drains, especially Jonathan Agnew and the late Brian Johnston, Sir Mr Trump Sir called Mr Farage to the White House - and handed him the throne of the United Kingdom as a reward.
In a hastily-arranged press conference, Sir Trump Sir said: "This guy here, he is a really great guy. So I am giving him the throne of your lovely little museum island as a reward. So quaint, your island, very quaint. Yet again, there's rather a lot of gold on that throne, so I might have it myself for the en-suite, and make him a replica."
The Right Honourable Mr Farage, smiling like Peter Pan's crocodile, seemed both delighted and taken aback by Sir Donald Sir's next statement.
"To thank Mr Farage for being a really great guy and good people, very good people, I have decided to give him Great Britain and all its protectorates, such as the rock with the monkeys and the rocks with the penguins, for his own use and which he can pass on to whoever he wishes should he not be like me and immortal. My advice would be to turn it all into a theme park. And if you see any Mexicans visiting it, that's just great, because it means they're not in the United States Of America causing mayhem with their sombreros and donkeys. Only kidding there folks. Some Mexicans, I assume, are good people. As are their donkeys. Unless they are drug mules."
Turning to Mr Farage, Sir Donald Sir added: "Anyway, King Neil, go ahead. The England UK is all yours. Make the most of it for now, because by the time I have finished with the environment, it'll be a boating lake."
Mr Farage, 37, as pleased with himself as ever, said: "I am delighted. This is the greatest day of my life since the last one that was great - I forget what that was as I had rather too many real ales that day. I shall be delighted to rule the UK, and I promise to be a benevolent, firm but fair monarch, ruling for the ordinary people, just like His Royal Majesty Emperor Donald The First. I am cool and I must rule, OK."
Her Majesty The Queen was not available for comment at press time, or any other time. But royal insiders say she was not amused.
