[in anticipation of Tuesday...]
Up and down the country, thousands of pretty teenage girls lived out the traditional British summer coming of age ceremony yesterday by looking happy and radiant for the cameras as they celebrate their A’level results. The Department for Education has claimed that gorgeousness among students has reached an all-time peak this year this year.
'I’ve got A*s in Blondeness, Legginess, Pouting and General Erotica and I’m going to Cambridge!” squealed willowy Jenifer Atkinson, a sixth-former at Cheltenham Ladies College. Her pert young breasts bobbled in the sunshine under her thin white blouse as she ran to hug her best friend Charlotte Connors. Both girls celebrated their 18th birthdays last month - so it's OK, they're legal.
Connors, a lissome brunette, also had cause to rejoice. She giggled coquettishly, her long, shapely legs gleaming in the morning light, as she revealed to watching camera crews that As in Style, Wholesomeness and Connections plus a B in Charm would be enough to see her into Durham.
It was also celebration time for pretty girls at state schools yesterday. In Manchester, Laura Smallwood, a foxy redhead from Corbetts Hill College in figure-hugging jeans, beamed with delight as she opened her results to show two Bs and two Cs, more than she needed to get into a combined Drama and Sultriness course at Salford University.
Meanwhile in Sheffield, Sally Lumb smiled shyly – but you know what they say about the quiet ones, eh? – as she told waiting journalists about her row of Bs. 'I’m on my way to Edinburgh for a four-year MA course in Media Appearances,' she said.
Critics have claimed that standards have been ‘uglied down’ in recent years and that this has made it all too easy for girls to look lovely on Results Day. However, Education Minister Michael Gove said: 'The girls deserve full credit for all their hard work in getting their lithe, honey-toned bodies in perfect shape for mid-August. Cor...!'
According to unconfirmed reports, some ordinary-looking girls also got their A’level results yesterday. And some boys, apparently.