"Christianity in general and Jesus in particular. Thats where the roots are" Said the statement. "Every child from an early age has it drummed into them, Jesus turns water into wine, why? Because it is cheaper than going to Tescos! Holy Communion, the blood of Christ, wine again! Its no wonder this country is wallowing in its own holy vomit on a Saturday night"
Although the statement seemed vitriolic, a recent discovery of thousands of scrolls in Israel seems to confirm that wine played a huge part in Jesus' life. The rumour that Joseph was as a newt when Mary, said she was pregnant may explain his comfort with the situation rather than him landing one om that travelling gourd salesman who had stopped by some time ago.
The scrolls reveal that Jesus wasnt taken with the middle-Eastern wine but preferred a subtle Argentinian Pinot Grigiot. They also explain that the miracle of the loaves and fishes was the biggest ever session of the Munchies known at that time. Why else would people eat such a mix? A little salsa please!
They also reveal that Judas Isacriot, a known tee-totaller, just didnt gel with the disciples and had dobbed Jesus in to the Romans
The government statement concluded "In an effort to curb the drink-fuelled bedlum, churches will be closed down with immediate effect"
Tescos believe drink sales will be unaffected