In a major announcement today, leading American business leaders and politicians revealed that a new range of paper sizes is to be introduced to the world in September.
“This will bring about the biggest revolution in printing since William J. Caxton III invented the printing press in Boston, MA, in 1797,” said Bill Gates at the launch press conference.
“No longer will people have to struggle with outmoded Old World paper shapes and sizes such as ‘Letter’ and ‘Legal’ which are useless when you need a quick enlargement or reduction. Efficiency gains for office printing and copying will be beyond human imagination.”
The standard paper for letters and documents will be known as US4 and will measure a convenient 11.5 inches by 8.13 inches, with US3 being twice the area, US5 half the area and so on. In order to steal a march on the rest of the world, U.S. manufacturers are understood to have re-tooled their production lines in China ready for a large-scale release of new ranges of printers and copiers.
Steve Jobs refused to attend the launch, saying that paper was history, though a source said his secretary had misfiled the electronic invitation. Although she later found it and sent it to his iPad, he was unable to read it because the sun was shining.
In response to a suggestion that the Europeans may have already developed a similar range, with A4 measuring slightly larger than US4 at 297 by 210 millimetres, a White House representative said that U.S. operatives would go ‘the whole nine yards, including the use of commensurate force’ to prevent any such measures.