Passengers enjoying the sweet, sweet smell of bacon at Finsbury Park Underground station this morning were horrified to discover it was really the body of a suicide victim cooked by the high voltage rails.
The unknown individual threw themselves in front of the 8:23 service to Cockfosters. Mike Horsham was waiting on the nearby southbound platform: “This gorgeous smell came wafting through the station,” he said, licking his lips at the memory. “I’d missed breakfast and I could have murdered a bacon roll.
“But obviously, when I found out it was some guy who’d jumped on the track I was distraught. It’s put me off pork for at least a week.”
A spokesman for Transport for London said, “Clearly this is an extremely distressing situation, particularly for any vegetarian passengers who might be tempted back to eating meat as a result. We’re now providing trained counsellors for anyone affected.”
But Mike Horsham has found some comfort in the situation: “At least now if I ever get trapped in the Tube and have to resort to cannibalism, I know I can just close my eyes and pretend I’m eating a bit of lovely smoked Danish.”
Electrocution on the Underground is currently the third most popular method of suicide in the capital, after jumping from the windows of Canary Wharf, and running through Stockwell Tube station dressed as a Brazilian electrician.