Police and paramedics were called to a house in Strathbone Close, Lincoln this evening after a serious scrimmage broke out between a number of competing TV production companies.
The trouble began as Linda Barker of ITV's 60 minute makeover was about to reveal the results of her team's hasty labours. As the home's owners were led into the living room, Matt Allwright of the BBC's Rogue Traders burst out of the sideboard, accusing the ITV team of leaving dozens of properties in a parlous state following their very brief, chaotic visits.
Mr Allwright's air of chafing smugness soon took effect, causing the ITV producer to lunge at him with a loaded paint roller and a length of skirting board.
Fortunately for the BBC crew, a team from 'Don't get done, Get Dom' had been lying in wait among the umbrella plants in the conservatory for several days, as they'd heard that an unscrupulous carpet fitter was cruising the area looking for opportunities to defraud unsuspecting members of the public by fitting cheap, rubber backed underlay instead of the more durable felt and wool fibre variety, that offers a much more hard wearing solution at a very reasonable £12.99 per square metre.
Things were going badly for the BBC crews at this point when the timely arrival of Nick Knowles and the DIY SOS team, who had been shrewdly called in by the house owner with the foreknowledge that they'd make a reasonable fist of putting right the results of the 60 minute makeover, looked like turning the tide.
As the purple-shirted wideboy plasterers set about the ITV production crew with gusto, a blood curdling scream was heard from the rear of the property. All parties rushed out into the back garden to find Charlie Dimmock from Ground Force laying into several members of the production crew with a trowel.
Meanwhile, Billy the sparks who had been left in charge of the DAF Sherpa, reversed into a skip on the front drive, crushing Dominic Littlewood as he was taking shelter from a fierce assault by 3 burly carpenters sporting automatic nail guns.
With equipment damages alone running into the thousands of pounds, televsion bosses are said to be furious at the presenters' lack of restraint and the directors' failure to contain the situation. However producers have managed to salvage something out of the fracas - a forty-five minute DIY special: Casualty Ward in the Attic.