There was pandemonium at London's Prince of Wales theatre last night as talk show host Jeremy Kyle invaded the stage to determine which of three men who had slept with an airheaded singer in the late 1970s was the father of a 22-year-old woman called Sophie. The results of a DNA test are expected shortly.
'Let me get this straight,' Kyle said to Sophie's mother, Donna. 'You claim that you spread it about so much you don't even know who your daughter's father is, yet you keep their personal details in a diary that she found shortly before her wedding. I don't buy it. I think you owe Sophie the truth after all these years.'
Audience members were reportedly up in arms, but were restrained by security personnel while Kyle berated the cast. It later emerged that Sophie herself had contacted the producers in order to confront Donna, ahead of her impending wedding with Sky. She admitted that Sky's poverty - he does not even own any shirts - played a role in this decision.
The recording will be transmitted next Wednesday under the title 'You Shagged Three Blokes In A Month And Pretended You Didn't Know Which One Got You Up The Duff. Now They've All Turned Up On This Greek Island For The Wedding Of Someone They've Never Heard Of And I Want The Truth. You Slag.'
Kyle then brought out the three men, who identified themselves as Sam, Harry and Bill. All claimed to be totally ignorant of Sophie's existence until the wedding invitations arrived a month ago. They told the audience that they then decided to travel to Greece together on Bill's speedboat, only to be intercepted by Donna as soon as they set fit on the island.
'And I suppose none of you obviously wealthy men who'd never heard of their daughter helped this single, non-working mum to buy her own hotel on a prime piece of real estate, eh?' Kyle asked. 'I simply don't believe you. A lovely young girl is shortly about to get married and the time for lies is over.'
Kyle told the audience that he would read the DNA tests out to them after a short break. His crew will then move on to the Lord Chamberlain's Players production of Hamlet at Shakespeare's Globe to record another show entitled 'Mum, You're Shagging My Uncle Who Murdered My Dad, But I Still Quite Fancy You'.