The people of York have issued an impassioned plea for a less 'cringeworthingly embarrassing duchess,' following recent revelations that current incumbent tried to solicit money from an undercover reporter in return for access to her ex-husband.
According to residents of the famous northern city, Sarah Ferguson has done nothing but besmirch their image. 'The woman's a liability,' complained one local, 'I mean Andrew's alright - keeps himself to himself mainly, but her - she only kept the title as part of the divorce settlement, along with the kids, the house and the silver spoons. We've got a great city with great historical attractions and absolutely loads of pubs, only to have that greedy toe-sucking cow associated with us.'
The cause to have a new duchess installed at York has also been taken up by local newspaper the York sentinel. 'She's an overweight, ginga minga with bad dress sense and an ability to write books that accurately reflect her mental age. Should someone who has to label her own sock drawers be in such an exulted position?' blasted a recent editorial. 'Who is going to visit our glorious Minster, the evocative Shambles or our high-tech Viking museum when the only thing that most people associate with York is her foolish upper-class blundering?'
However not everyone is so keen to see Sarah Ferguson removed from office: 'She's not all that bad,' admitted one former soldier, 'I won't say I fancied her as such, but I always found her more attractive than that winnowy charity-monger Droopy Di and besides, looking like a horse is not a bad thing with the Royals. Calling for her expulsion smacks of communism if you ask me - who's next up against the wall - Caroline of Brunswick or Princess Daisy of Pless?'
Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Duke of York has called for restraint and understanding amid the furore: 'Sure, she's not the sharpest royal in the jewellery box, but like the parents of a slightly backward child, we just need to love her, support her and keep for from doing anything stupid. Oh, and lock her up in the attic bedroom whenever anyone comes to visit.'
Written with the help of our royal correspondents from this chat thread - especially Sharpehunter, Phlegm, MrChigleysAunt, rikkor and arrghgarry.