http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9070 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 18 May 2013 16:15:46 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9070#post-24431 Sun, 25 Jul 2010 08:56:58 +0000 Basil_B 24431@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The National Trust are not going to like that.<br /> 5 of the best Edward </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9070#post-24422 Sun, 25 Jul 2010 07:21:39 +0000 Hunter F. Thompson 24422@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is absolutely thrilling Sunday Tabloid stuff. Well done. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9070#post-24407 Sat, 24 Jul 2010 23:29:31 +0000 arrghgarry 24407@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>good 5 </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9070#post-24378 Sat, 24 Jul 2010 15:22:01 +0000 edward hack 24378@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A castle in North Wales has been forced to close to the public following attacks on staff by medieval knights dressed in full battle regalia.<br /> The knights, believed to be renegade robber Barons from the West Country, are thought to be the same gang responsible for the Norman Conquest of Mid Wales and Herefordshire during the Middle Ages. The attack took place just after midday when the gang knew caretaker Mr. Hargreaves would be taking an afternoon nap in his office.<br /> It is thought the gang, wearing full body armour may have taken the castle by storm, scaling an unguarded battlement before lowering the draw bridge and allowing other gang members to come charging across the moat on horseback.<br /> The leader of the gang Sir Roger De Quincy of Aradorff had tried to gain access to the castle earlier in the day but was stopped at the ticket office by Mrs. Eldridge.<br /> It is thought De Quincy may have been put off butchering Mrs Eldridge there on the spot when Little Alfie, her Border Terrier Cross started growling.<br /> De Quincy then left the castle but returned later with an army. When asked if he would like to become a ‘friend of the museum’ which would get him in for half price, De Quincy was seen to flash a membership card at curator Reg Todd before slicing him in two with a single swipe of his mighty broadsword, but it turned out to be an old library ticket.<br /> The gang then went on the rampage, looting the gift shop and slaughtering staff where they stood.<br /> One member of staff, who had only popped in to drop off some fruit scones for the weekend tombola was found hanging from her feet, entrails spilling out with her head skewered on a spike<br /> ‘She was a lovely lady’ said Elsie Mosgrove, a neighbour from Rhyll ‘she didn’t deserve to have her head chopped off, not like that.<br /> We think she may have left a portcullis open and that’s how they got in.<br /> I don’t know how Dennis is going to cope on his own. He didn’t much like her coming up on a Tuesday, said it was too much for her, what with doing two mornings a week for the Air Ambulance as well.<br /> He was always going on about how those blood thirsty Cluniac armies defeated by the French, looting and murdering their way northwards would be nothing but trouble.<br /> Nobody gave it much thought at the time. Well, looks like he was right after all’.<br /> The castle had been the target of trouble before, most recently when local youths stole a bottle of cider and some cigarettes from the newsagent and had drunk it in the castle car park.<br /> ‘I don’t know what the world is coming to’ said Daisy Fullford who helped out in the canteen and only escaped death herself by hiding under the stairs ‘they came banging on the doors and shouting obscenities. One called Elsie a ‘scurvy pig-roast harridan pup’, well she was recently diagnosed lactose intolerant, which can lead to a little bloating but that was completely uncalled for. Then they chopped her head off.<br /> We tried tipping boiling oil and excrement over them but they still refused to go away.<br /> We’ve had trouble with them in the past, but nothing like this has ever happened before. Well it has, but not for at least 900 years.<br /> They have installed some Earl as leader now.<br /> He is insisting we bring all our gold, silver, jewellery and livestock to the castle before dawn or we will all be slaughtered. He has even demanded the ‘youngest fair maid virgin of no more than twelve summers hence’ from each family.<br /> It’s all very well him making all these demands but quite frankly it’s impossible.<br /> Some of it’s easy enough to get hold of but this is North Wales, where the hell are we going to find a 12 year old virgin at such short notice? </p>