http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 18:27:27 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164788 Mon, 25 Feb 2013 10:42:18 +0000 Oxbridge 164788@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>At the risk of recycling others' opininons, neat idea, but the execution is wrong for this site. I'd be happy to help with a rewrite. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164786 Mon, 25 Feb 2013 04:15:50 +0000 Username 164786@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Strong central idea, but needs editing down. Pare it down to the really funny parts, and make sure that it still flows.<br /> It's a bit Bob Mortimer / Viz for my tastes, but that's just me. And, unless they are as famous as Bob Mortimer or Viz, you can safely ignore the redundant critics.<br /> And, don't forget - Newsbiscuit isn't the only publishing channel for written comedy... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164771 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 22:44:12 +0000 Ironduke 164771@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Slante, nice central idea; I agree with the comments regarding the editing, and I think you've caught Paddy with the painters in.</p> <p>Look forward to your next one! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164769 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:58:47 +0000 Tripod 164769@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>And a genuine thanks to the constructive critics</blockquote></p> <p>You sound like a good person. There's still time to get out of here, you know... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164768 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:55:07 +0000 Bob 164768@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks Paddy, your comments made me smile (they reminded me of Doug Stanhope's funny and well observed piece in the most recent episode of Weekly Wipe). </p> <p>And a genuine thanks to the constructive critics :-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164760 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:23:18 +0000 Squudge 164760@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like the concept and the headline alone drew me in. The advice I would give is similar to DVO's. Get it down to NiB length. I'd cut out all the revolting scatalogical details as the original funny was spot on. When you open a packet of ham, the 'protective atmosphere' has always been a bit suspect.</p> <p>Just tweaking the headline to suggest the chap has finally retired, and a short but gentle article commending the last master craftsman in his field. Maybe.</p> <p>Shame the guidelines would prevent you calling him J R Fartley. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164759 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:17:30 +0000 Lens Cap 164759@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>FFS paddy, what have we said about having an opinion. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164757 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:11:23 +0000 Tripod 164757@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>typewritten garbage</blockquote></p> <p>But how do you <em>really</em> feel? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164755 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:09:13 +0000 sydalg 164755@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>God, that's a bit harsh, PB, I found it funny, though maybe it's more Viz than NB. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164748 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:01:32 +0000 Paddy Berzinski 164748@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's just bad. Sorry for being honest but it's typewritten garbage. Personally, if I need to take a dump I have the good grace to do it in private. It isn't remotely funny and it demeans the site and its contributors. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164735 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 20:06:31 +0000 Bob 164735@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Guys, thanks for your comments. Yep, maybe I've tried a bit too hard with this and the fart jokes a little too frequent :-) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164731 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:57:44 +0000 Perks 164731@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A touch long and a subject that has been done to death. For future posts, make it look like a newspaper article. So styling wise, don't do the update. You wouldn't get that in a paper and it doesn't add to the piece. Also I wouldn't do the 'hidden identity then reveal the identity' thing. Again it's a very worn idea and I think no longer funny. Same with the piece about being a lazy journalist.</p> <p> That said, you managed to get some stand alone jokes in there, and if you write pieces in the future I would concentrate on trying to get that many jokes in, just make sure they are original.</p> <p>Welcome and good luck </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164730 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:56:21 +0000 Idiot 164730@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not sure whether the Viz/Purple Ronnie-style humour works on here. Don't let that stop you trying though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164728 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:49:36 +0000 Stan Laurel 164728@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Welcome SD. Suggest you have a look at the <a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/about/guidelines-for-contributors/">Guidelines Here</a>. Hope this is helpful. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164727 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:49:15 +0000 Tripod 164727@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Welcome... But a whole sub about farting? Oof... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164726 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:48:32 +0000 dvo4fun 164726@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Okeydokey Slante. For what it's worth. </p> <p>A tad too far along the Viz wing for me.</p> <p>Somewhat over-long [see guidelines' link at top of page]even for a FP and not very many laughs over &amp; above the central theme. You might consider taking a chainsaw to it and reduce to 'News in Brief' length leaving in what you think are the funniest bits.</p> <p>Feel free to ignore; much of my own funny has pissed off on a long holiday. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164725 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:39:50 +0000 sydalg 164725@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good one. Could do with a bit of editing, e.g. "Now Brian W is aware of the truth..." should be "Now that Brian W..." etc. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56885#post-164720 Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:27:21 +0000 Bob 164720@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It has come to light that manufacturers of low-cost packets of ham have been using human arse gas as a means of preserving the meat for longer periods.  This appears to be the explanation for the shit curdling reek that is released when a cheap packet of ham is opened.</p> <p>Specifically, the manmade methane was provided by professional pant worrier 'Brian W' (we have concealed his full identity for safety reasons).</p> <p>For the last fifteen years, Brian W has been bottling his turd vapour prior to it being pumped into the packets of ham before sealing.  The accusation levelled at the manufacturers is that whilst they couldn’t possibly add any more preservatives to the meat without it losing its classification as meat entirely, the methane gas could add a further 1 month to the product’s shelf life.</p> <p>The manufacturers (who cannot be named due to lazy reporting reasons) refused to be interviewed but released a statement claiming the allegations to be nothing more than “posturing” and “hot air”.  </p> <p>We aren’t entirely sure if that is an statement of innocence or guilt.</p> <p><strong>Fear of fart backlash</strong></p> <p>It would appear that Brian W is in fact the innocent party in this sordid business.  In order to increase his output, the manufacturers had been feeding him a diet high in Greggs and Red Bull; a concoction that has left him simultaneously lethargic and hyperactive all the time (not to mention the recurring piles). Unaware of the true purpose of his efforts, Brian W had been told by the manufacturers that his farts were solely being used by the companies’ aroma departments which were attempting to simulate his meaty whiff for their vegetarian burgers.  In reality, the manufacturers do not even have 'aroma departments', their veggie burgers just naturally smell of shit.</p> <p>Now Brian W is aware of the truth going on behind his behind, he is concerned there may be a public backlash and indeed is fearful for his safety. It appears he is right to be concerned. We spoke with Brian W's neighbours on the Brook Estate in Hull and without exception, they all wanted to see the unnamed culprit hang.</p> <p>“I’m genuinely concerned I’ll be attacked in the street, so I appreciate you concealing my identity” commented Mr Winters.</p> <p>This story is likely to linger a lot longer than one of Brian’s farts so further details will be reported as they are released.</p> <p>--------</p> <p><strong>Update</strong>: since this news report was written, Brian has indeed been attacked in the street. At this stage, no one is sure how he could have been tracked down and identified. Hull locals found him unconscious and trouserless outside an Iceland supermarket. His attackers had left him with assorted frozen fish canopes wedged up his chapped bottom - certainly a new take on the 'Iceland prawn ring' - though on a happy note, the shellfish enema froze off his piles. </p> <p>-----------------------------------</p> <p>[This is my first post here so would appreciate constructive thoughts... I wonder if I've overworked it a bit. Thanks, Slanté] </p>