http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56234 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 00:27:34 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56234#post-162360 Tue, 12 Feb 2013 11:25:20 +0000 Tripod 162360@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Pontiff will break with centuries of papal tradition by retiring to a villa in a gated community on the Florida Keys, surrounded by his loving family, rather than dying in bed, aged 94, alone except for a cabal of scheming Cardinals, hatching machiavellian plots. He is realistic about his time as leader of the Catholic Church, and God’s representative here on earth. </p> <p>“The best part about being Pope was the hats”, he said. “You might imagine that Papal Infallibility was the deal-breaker, but, well, once the novelty has worn off, it’s a bit of a drag, frankly. It gets boring being right all the time. You’re trying to have a lively discussion down the pub, with a bunch of cardinals, and all they do is kiss your ring and agree with every word you say. And they never make a joke about ‘kissing my ring’, like any normal guys would. Even when I suggest the Vatican gift shop should start selling ‘Pope on a rope’ bathroom novelties, these guys never crack a smile.</p> <p>“My biggest regret was that, unlike my predecessor, John Paul II, in 1982, I was never lucky enough to meet Jimmy Savile. He was a personal hero of mine - Jimmy Savile, I mean, not John Paul II - for getting away with abusing children for so many years... while looking like what you’d get if you asked a talented artist to ‘draw someone who looks like a paedophile’. They say you can’t fool all the people all of the time, but Saint Jimmy - bless him - demonstrated that you <em>can</em>. Apparently, he even ‘fixed it’ for me to be Pope! Truly, as my wife always says, 'God moves in mysterious ways'.”... </p>