http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56031 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 22 May 2013 17:12:02 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56031#post-161812 Sat, 09 Feb 2013 02:25:18 +0000 Paddy Berzinski 161812@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As recently as last week, the Office Of Statistics budget was rumoured to be facing funding cuts reported to be in the region of 38%, but the recent national obsession with percentages of all descriptions, as depicted in news headlines appears to have allayed any fears of impending cutbacks.</p> <p>"It's good news for us, and no mistake," said Operations Director, Graham Finch. "We've never lost our conviction that we're a vital, multi million pounds taxpayer funded component in the smooth running of the national machine, and our dedicated number-crunching team are absolutely delighted that we have proved that we can justify our existence." </p> <p>Renewed confidence in statistical analysis experienced an unexpected upsurge as the news media picked up on the statistical probabilities of an asteroid colliding with our planet in coming days at odds of 139,000,000/1, the odds of horsemeat being traced in a variety of supposedly 100% beef products at evens, the odds on "horsemeat traces" being found in 93% of pre-prepared frozen food products at 8/1 on, and somebody running amok on a shooting spree in the USA at any given time as a 5/4 on certainty. (Although the latter statistic appeared to depend on statisticians hedging their bets.)</p> <p>"This may be bad news for everyone else, but it's just the shot in the arm we needed," Finch smirked. "Morale had been low among staff, fearing scything cuts in our budget and a wave of projected redundancies. But we kept the faith. We continued to work as a team, collating seemingly useless and trivial information in order to educate and enlighten the public. Who are generally less well dressed than my people, smellier, and certainly less well spoken. We didn't deserve an ignominious fund slashing fate, and the current round of statistically terrifying news serves only to confirm our faith in ourselves. As a team. I'm convinced that we've proved our worth to the nation. We're the people who see beyond the reredos, all the way to the choir stall, and we tell it like it is."</p> <p>Statistics currently reveal that there hasn't been a more statistically significant month in the field of statistical analysis since the Office Of Statistics revealed that 97% of British nationals have no idea what a 'reredos' is, much less how it relates to a choir stall, (Apart from the occasional Times Crossword participant or dictophile) 99% of Roma Gypsies would probably come to the UK from Romania in 2013 and proceed to harass British citizens with endless incidences of racing shabby ponies pulling traps in the streets, lighting bonfires in blocks of flats, and aggressive begging in UK city centres. (98% chance whilst the pubs are open, 0% after closing time when nobody can be arsed and everyone starts fighting anyway.)</p> <p>"I'm proud of my people," Finch said in closing. "It's fair to say that the percentage of horsemeat in value burgers and lasagne ready meals furore, and the probability of an asteroid collision may have helped. But do bear in mind, that we did say there was a 99.9999% degree of probability that Gazza wouldn't be able to resist one 'last' pint on his way to rehab, and that Chris Huhne was lying all along about that speeding ticket." </p>