Forum » Topic: By-passed villagers “dismayed” about lack of opportunity to moan about HS2

Forum » Topic: By-passed villagers “dismayed” about lack of opportunity to moan about HS2 http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55512 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 22:25:07 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php Boutros on "By-passed villagers “dismayed” about lack of opportunity to moan about HS2" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55512#post-160456 Wed, 30 Jan 2013 19:46:12 +0000 Boutros 160456@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ yes indeed! nickb on "By-passed villagers “dismayed” about lack of opportunity to moan about HS2" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55512#post-160455 Wed, 30 Jan 2013 19:27:38 +0000 nickb 160455@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Residents of the chocolate box village of Aynton in Berkshire are stunned and shocked by the Transport Secretary’s decision not to route the controversial High Speed 2 rail link close to their homes. “Of course we don’t want the thing through our village, blighting the countryside, decimating our house prices and raping our daughters, ” says Mrs Mary Smyth. “But now, troublingly, it’s not threatening to destroy the very fabric of our civilisation with sweaty Eastern European navvies poised to steal our handbags and abuse our livestock. In later years we won’t be blighted by train noise so loud it will deafen our kittens. And that is of equal, if not greater concern.” Ms Smyth is not alone in her disappointment. With HS2 not passing within 70 miles of the village, it means fewer journalists in the pubs and B and B’s, less opportunity to highlight the “save our mobile library” campaign and fewer sales of Mrs C Jameson’s “special” marmalade. Plans for a lyrical BBC 4 documentary about a 100 year competition to grow vegetable marrows, cruelly threatened by the transport secretary’s callous decision to route the railways through private allotments have been abandoned. Intern associate runner Lucy Cavendish, who had hopes to work on the delightfully quirky programme now says she has “no plans” for the spring. “Now we’re not getting HS2 I probably won’t have sex with that married assistant producer after all” said the attractive public school gap year student (19) “I for one was hoping for some media attention for my moustache,” rues Bob Smyth, landlord of the Dog and Duck. This has taken me three years to grow, and I was going to threaten to shave it off live on TV if HS2 threatened the village. “Now where am I? If I shave it off, nobody will notice, and if I leave it on I’ll just look a fool. With no HS2 to protest about the whole place seems gloomier by the day.” One answer is to take the village’s campaign to Westminster with the eye catching slogan “Threaten us with HS2 or we will lose our save our horse-trough campaign”. But the man organising the protest, Mike Smythe says he has had very few takers. “In any event, my minibus is in for repairs” he told reporters. "Just as well really because my drink problem’s getting worse with all this “No HS2” business. I’m seriously thinking of moving to one of those villages where they are lucky enough to be threatened. I’d love to live in a place where they’ve started a real old fashioned pub-based protest movement. Then, as me boozing got worse I could kill myself in protest over what this ill-thought out scheme was gonna do to my beloved home. That’d turn a few heads. Worked for the A-rabs, didn’t it?”