http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Mon, 20 May 2013 16:53:37 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-160281 Tue, 29 Jan 2013 14:10:52 +0000 Quaz 160281@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You have been invited to attend a social event consisting of drinking in many bars, tavelling on foot, in a Northern city, in January. What is the correct form of attire?</p> <p>a) A warm overcoat or ski jacket<br /> b) A fairly heavyweight suit jacked, possibly something in tweed or with a good wool mix.<br /> c) A sleeveless shirt or T-shirt for the man, and possibly have your hair shaved in a 'number 1'. For the woman, two 5 inch wide strips of tight elasticated cloth covering the chest and pelvis, and a pair of shoes that would be hard enough to walk in even if it were not for the snow and ice.<br /> d) Burka</p> <p>(note: c is correct, b is only acceptable in the Cotswolds, country pubs in the home counties, and certain areas of West London). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-160273 Tue, 29 Jan 2013 13:58:23 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 160273@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Q3,741. Are you still sitting here? You must really want to become a British citizen. Why? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-160267 Tue, 29 Jan 2013 13:45:26 +0000 Jesse Bigg 160267@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can you spend Scottish bank notes in London?<br /> You'll have a job trying to spend them in Newcastle, lad. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-160252 Tue, 29 Jan 2013 12:42:20 +0000 Son of Barnabas 160252@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>When boarding a train, which of the following should you do:<br /> 1) Shake hands with all the passengers in the carriage, wishing them "a spiffing good morning, old bean"<br /> 2) Place your rucksack on your knees, look around nervously, and mutter: "72 virgins, here I come!"<br /> 3) Pick your nose, cough over everybody, spit on the floor, fart ostentatiously, grope fellow passengers and expose yourself.<br /> 4) Stare straight ahead and avoid all eye contact.</p> <p><em>Note to examiners: top marks for either 3 or 4. Candidate is clearly familiar with local customs</em> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-160058 Mon, 28 Jan 2013 14:34:38 +0000 Midfield Diamond 160058@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What footwear goes best with open-toed sandals?<br /> a) white ankle socks<br /> b) black ankle socks<br /> c) patterned ankle socks<br /> d) long socks pulled up to the knee</p> <p>Complete the following football chants:<br /> a) I'd rather be a ______ than a _______<br /> b) Two World _____ and One World _____<br /> c) We're ______ and we're beating you<br /> d) Eng____land, Eng____land, Eng____land</p> <p>How long does it take for the locals to accept you after you move in to a Somerset village?<br /> a) 20 years<br /> b) 30 years<br /> c) 40 years<br /> d) you will never be accepted</p> <p>(@Squudge - Layby lunches (that is a good line) are prevalent round our way, I always give them a friendly toot on the horn as I pass) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-160032 Mon, 28 Jan 2013 08:07:27 +0000 Squudge 160032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You are heading off for a little weekend break with the kids, staying within the UK. Which items below should you pack<br /> (tick all that apply):<br /> a) wellies and cagoules<br /> b) snow shovel<br /> c) sandwiches in tupperware plus folding chair for layby lunch<br /> d) sunscreen<br /> e) euros</p> <p>NB: for assessor, bonus points for (c) as respondents have clearly been resident since the 1950s. Anyone ticking (e) <em>may</em> be a deluded tourist - watch list rather than 'deport' (d) is a 'red flag' answer </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159998 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 23:19:07 +0000 Titus 159998@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"... we'll see if we can't get the whole bisuit barrel deported ..."</p> <p>Fat chance. Who'd have 'em? (OK apart from Haiti, Iran and North Korea) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159997 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 23:11:27 +0000 bonjonelson 159997@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Q173. What will happen if Scotland votes for devolution?<br /> a) The Scottish people will devolve back into apes.<br /> b) Irn Bru will become illegal in England and Wales.<br /> c) Hadrian's Wall will be rebuilt<br /> d) All of the above. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159995 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:36:47 +0000 custard cream 159995@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Q.46 Which of these animals can be legally eaten in the UK?</p> <p>a) Badgers<br /> b) Swans<br /> c) Squirrels<br /> d) All of them if they are packaged correctly</p> <p>Q.47 You are caught by a speed camera travelling at 34mph in a 30mph zone. What is the correct procedure to ensure you comply with UK law?</p> <p>a) Deny everything<br /> b) Get your partner to take the rap<br /> c) Insist you are registered blind so couldn't possibly have been driving<br /> d) Offer to attend a speed awareness course </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159991 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 22:02:28 +0000 Squudge 159991@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>BSL - I am out of clean glasses, but I have a nice Jim'll fix it mug you can use </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159984 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 21:25:54 +0000 writinginbsl 159984@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Q5-village protocol</p> <p>When you are told "OOhh, bit chilly, today"<br /> Do you:<br /> 1. Agree, and provide jaunty anecdotal evidence, including dramatic shudder.<br /> 2. Disagree and provide wistful anecdotal evidence, whilst taking off jacket or coat.<br /> 3. Completely mishear and say something completely irrelevant.</p> <p>squudge-are you putting that glass in the dishwasher-cos im not </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159982 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 21:17:18 +0000 Squudge 159982@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5. Who is Prince Harry's father?<br /> a) HRH Prince Charles, of course<br /> b) some bloke called Hewitt<br /> c) Darth Vader </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159981 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 21:14:16 +0000 bonjonelson 159981@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>48. You are walking at night in Stockwell, South London. A stranger comes up to you and says "'scuse me mate, have you got a light?". What do you do?</p> <p>a) Hand over your wallet and iPhone 5<br /> b) Apologise and tell him you don't smoke.<br /> c) Offer him a 60watt lightbulb<br /> d) Nothing. You're about to be stabbed in the stomach and die a painfull death. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159980 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 21:13:30 +0000 Squudge 159980@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>&lt;uncorks bottle of red&gt;</p> <p>come round to mine and we'll see if we can't get the whole bisuit barrel deported </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159979 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 21:09:27 +0000 Titus 159979@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can't we keep this one running for a while in the writers' room or in the chat room?</p> <p>There is so much potential in the theme, and there are plenty of talented people here - it could take ages to exploit all the possibilities. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159977 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 20:59:21 +0000 Squudge 159977@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>oh - I'd better scatter some stars on that too - forgetting my manners </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159975 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 20:49:59 +0000 custard cream 159975@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Great start - well done Squudge! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159974 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 20:34:22 +0000 Squudge 159974@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>ha HA - two birds with one stone</p> <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55365&amp;replies=1#post-159972">stick a cork in it</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159970 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 20:28:43 +0000 Squudge 159970@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>bugger - you beat me to it<br /> I am cogitating on these... and quite miffed to pass the test. I was hoping to be deported.</p> <p>Right:</p> <p>1. What are essential to a fish and chip supper?<br /> a) sliced white bread and butter<br /> b) lurid mushy peas<br /> c) a pot of strong tea<br /> d) all of the above</p> <p>2. Which Supermarket is advertised by Kerry Kaytona<br /> a) Lidl<br /> b) Iceland<br /> c) Aldi<br /> d) Poundland</p> <p>3. Can you spend Scottish bank notes in London<br /> a) Yes<br /> b) No<br /> c) Fuck off<br /> d) Only in black taxis</p> <p>4. Who put the cunt in Scunthorpe<br /> a) Ordinance Survey<br /> b) Viz magazine<br /> c) Neither, it is an urban myth, all the cunts are in Woking </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55364#post-159969 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 20:27:29 +0000 custard cream 159969@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Central Office of Information has published rejected questions for the new Citizenship Test for UK applicants. These include:</p> <p>'What is the UK flag called at sea?' - This was rejected because we no longer have any ships so there is no need for any flags at sea.</p> <p>'What is the price of a litre of unleaded fuel?' - Rejected because fuel in the UK is still sold by the gallon.</p> <p>OK, I've made a start - over to you for more suggestions for rejected questions. </p>