http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 06:26:39 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150420 Sat, 24 Nov 2012 10:01:02 +0000 riesler 150420@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>and fucking Gravesend! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150318 Fri, 23 Nov 2012 22:12:53 +0000 Squudge 150318@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd be concerned about a 'stealth tax' emerging where the ordinary public could be penalised just for saying where they live, particularly in S<strong>cunt</strong>horpe, <strong>Sod</strong>bury, <strong>Crap</strong>stone, oh and Gosport. Obviously. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150317 Fri, 23 Nov 2012 22:00:49 +0000 Maverick 150317@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fuck me! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150316 Fri, 23 Nov 2012 21:53:57 +0000 Yikes 150316@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think this is a fantastic idea and Steve's ideas are great - but it is getting a bit long ... so I have taken a bloody liberty and tweaked by 100 words to get it just under 400 words ...</p> <p><strong>Osborne to introduce Swearing Tax</strong></p> <p>In an attempt to get Britain’s beleaguered finances under control, Chancellor George Osborne has revealed that a Swearing Tax is to be introduced in the next Budget. At a basic rate of 25p per expletive, he hopes to raise more than £1 billion over the Easter period alone and intends to use it to finance good causes such as quantitive easing and bank bailouts.</p> <p>“It is planned that every workplace, home and drinking establishment will be equipped with a Smart Expletive Meter,” announced Mr Osborne this morning whilst fisting in the Regent’s Park Canal. “And a fucking huge team of civil servants will be recruited to monitor postings on Twitter for any sign of foul-mouthedness,” he added. “This simple measure will raise much needed monies and get us out of the fucking crap.”</p> <p>It is expected that certain profanities such as cockburger and bitchtits will attract a much higher rate of tax than everyday curses such as butt plug and dickweasel, although relief will be available to specified groups such as tourettes sufferers, serving police officers, and careless builders.</p> <p>Barry Flintlock, a plumber from Hatfield Peverel, is not so sure. “We had one of those boxes in the Rotary Club. It worked for a while, but people soon started to use the word ‘feck’, like they do on Father Ted. Before we knew it, our coffers were empty and there’s some kid in Darfur with a sodding great worm in his leg.”</p> <p>George Osborne is not impressed by such arguments, and already has legislation in mind that will clamp down hard on avoidance schemes.</p> <p>“We have partnered with Google to produce voice translation software for the Expletive Meters. It will detect ‘fecks’, as well as shady offshore schemes to swear in Swiss-French or curse in an Isle of Man accent. As soon as the software is tweaked to recognise Billy Connolly and Geordies it will be all go and people will be shitting fucking cash in my direction.”</p> <p>A spokesman for a prominent TV chef last night refused to be drawn on the matter and simply said “Jesus H. Christ. That minging scrunt has really pissed on his chips this time. I’m not sure if he’s a dirtbox or a plain old-fashioned arse biscuit, but he certainly knows how to get on my fucking tits.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150287 Fri, 23 Nov 2012 19:17:15 +0000 Landfill 150287@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ha ha, excellent ideas, Steve. At the risk of turning it into a novel, I've added a few sentences. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150248 Fri, 23 Nov 2012 16:55:16 +0000 steve_l 150248@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent proposal and rewrite.</p> <p>Some other ideas. </p> <p>-somehow get it called the "Bollocks tax" -the first tax where even saying its name is taxable.<br /> -mention how the north of england is complaining about being discriminated against, though Newcastle is exempt as nobody understands what they are saying.<br /> -Attempts to swear in swiss french -at a lower tax rate will also be cracked down on.</p> <p>I could imagine an indoors/outdoor tax the way you get with food -takeway swears would cost less than swearing in a pub, and you'd still be able to swear on private property </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150236 Fri, 23 Nov 2012 15:25:47 +0000 Queen of Tarts 150236@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Stars for rewrite </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150234 Fri, 23 Nov 2012 15:17:30 +0000 Landfill 150234@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm not sure how rude you can be on this site, but I was tempted to write something like the following. Typo noted, Dusty:</p> <p>In an attempt to get Britain’s beleaguered finances under control, Chancellor George Osborne has revealed that a Swearing Tax is to be introduced in the next Budget. At a basic rate of 25p per expletive, he hopes to raise more than £1 billion over the Easter period alone and intends to use it to finance good causes such as quantitive easing and bank bailouts.</p> <p>“It is planned that every workplace, home and drinking establishment will be equipped with a Smart Expletive Meter,” announced Mr. Osborne this morning whilst fisting in the Regent’s Park Canal. “And a fucking huge team of civil servants will be recruited to monitor postings on Twitter for any sign of foul-mouthedness,” he added. “This simple measure will raise much needed monies at a time of national austerity, and protect impressionable fuckwit children at the same time.”</p> <p>It is expected that certain profanities such as cockburger and bitchtits will attract a much higher rate of tax than everyday curses such as butt plug and dickweasel, although relief will be available to specified groups such as builders, serving police officers, and any registered voter from the Newcastle or similar metropolitan area where the dialect is confined to and only understood by family members. Despite threats of having his “kite bashed in fuckin’ proper” by unhappy Mancunians, Mr. Osborne intends to offer no verbal relief to northerners in general, however.</p> <p>Barry Flintlock, a plumber from Hatfield Peverel, is not so sure. “We had one of those boxes in the Rotary Club. It worked for a while, but people soon started to use the word ‘feck’, like they do on Father Ted, and before we knew it, our coffers were empty. There’s some kid in Darfur with a sodding great worm in his leg thanks to that brilliant idea.”</p> <p>George Osborne is not impressed by such arguments, and already has legislation in mind that will clamp down hard on such avoidance schemes.</p> <p>“People may think that they can take the piss out of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs, but they’ll be shitting cash in my direction once we have the technology integrated into fucking set top boxes and mobile fucking phones,” he told Newsnight host Jeremy Paxman who was, for once, lost for words. “I’m gonna screw their wallets with the longest dry fuck you can imagine,” he added.</p> <p>Johnny Foreigners who attempt to ingratiate themselves by learning our swear words abroad will be particularly singled out for swear tax evasion. “Monsieur Jazzy l'aurez dans le cul” said Mr. Osborne to Daily Mail reporter Anna Frimpton, whilst cheerfully waving his middle finger to a baying crowd of Swiss tourists visiting the Westfield Stratford shopping centre.</p> <p>A spokesman for a prominent TV chef – who wishes to remain anonymous at this time – last night refused to be drawn on the matter and simply said “Jesus H. Christ. That minging scrunt has really pissed on his chips this time. I’m not sure if he’s a dirtbox or a plain old-fashioned arse biscuit, but he certainly knows how to get on my tits.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150116 Thu, 22 Nov 2012 22:21:50 +0000 Squudge 150116@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><strong>#@UUUUH#!</strong> you are fined two credits for violating the verbal morality code...</p> <p>Imagine the revenue potential during party political broadcasts, and the Budget, and in-car swearboxes... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150023 Thu, 22 Nov 2012 10:52:24 +0000 DustyBinLaden 150023@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Agree, nice idea, but too few funnies and certainly not enough swearing. Also, typo in 2nd par: 'whilst fisting in Regent's Park' surely? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-150017 Thu, 22 Nov 2012 10:28:26 +0000 Oxbridge 150017@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice idea, execution might be better. I'd personally make it sweary the whole way through then end in an absolute belter from the aforementioned chef. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-149997 Thu, 22 Nov 2012 09:20:58 +0000 AReader 149997@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In other news, confirmed cases of Tourette's rise 200,000% </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=52073#post-149894 Wed, 21 Nov 2012 17:07:01 +0000 Landfill 149894@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In an attempt to get Britain’s beleaguered finances under control, Chancellor George Osborne has revealed that a Swearing Tax is to be introduced in the next Budget. At a basic rate of 25p per expletive, he hopes to raise more than £1 billion over the Easter period alone and intends to use it to finance good causes such as quantitive easing and bank bailouts.</p> <p>“It is planned that every workplace, home and drinking establishment will be equipped with a Smart Expletive Meter,” announced Mr. Osborne this morning whilst fishing in the Regent’s Park Canal. “And a team of civil servants will be recruited to monitor postings on Twitter for any sign of foul-mouthedness,” he added. “This simple measure will raise much needed monies at a time of national austerity, and protect children at the same time. So I for one think it is awesome.”</p> <p>It is expected that certain profanities will attract a much higher rate of tax, although relief will be available to specified groups such as builders and serving police officers. </p> <p>Barry Flintlock, a plumber from Hatfield Peverel, is not so sure. “We had one of those boxes in the Rotary Club. It worked for a while, but people soon started to use the word ‘feck’, like they do on Father Ted, and before we knew it, our coffers were empty. There’s some kid in Darfur with a sodding great worm in his leg thanks to that brilliant idea.”</p> <p>George Osborne is not impressed by such arguments, and already has legislation in mind that will clamp down on such avoidance schemes.</p> <p>“People may think that they can make a monkey out of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs, but they’ll be shitting cash in my direction once we have the technology integrated into set top boxes and mobile phones,” he told Newsnight reporter Jeremy Paxman.</p> <p>A spokesman for a prominent TV chef – who wishes to remain anonymous at this time – last night failed to be drawn on the matter and simply said “Jesus H. Christ. That little dirtbox really knows how to get on my tits.” </p>