http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 12:25:18 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148135 Sat, 10 Nov 2012 14:00:27 +0000 beau-jolly 148135@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>a mono-digital salutation? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148124 Sat, 10 Nov 2012 13:14:27 +0000 Squudge 148124@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>BJ - I'm saluting, but I only need one finger for MBA speak </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148089 Sat, 10 Nov 2012 10:48:27 +0000 beau-jolly 148089@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Happens a lot in acedemia too. My theory here is that if you publish something about "one side knowing more than the other" someone could quite easily use a similar phrase with no reference. If, on the other, you say "Hetrogenous expectaion" and shorten it to HE, anyone using it without a ref gets shot for plaguarism. I was once fluent in <em>MBA speak</em> but now just use English.</p> <p>Anyhoo, thought I'd just run that up the flagpole and see if anyone saluted it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148043 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 23:43:32 +0000 The All New Jeni B 148043@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I was in a class rep meeting a few weeks ago, and to relieve the monotony decided to throw some random 'business-speak' in. </p> <p>Turns out, they think I'm a forward-thinking go-getter who can optimise the targeted goals of the Students' Association.</p> <p>Fuck.</p> <p>(Great sub btw, fully aligned Barbary's for you.) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148032 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 21:29:45 +0000 custard cream 148032@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Upscale the granularity? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148030 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 21:17:44 +0000 antharrison 148030@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I use the term "Sub-optimal" quite often, in the sense of "I've just stepped on some sub-optimal" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148025 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 20:45:03 +0000 reforse 148025@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not bad, but I think you really need to push the envelope on this one </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148015 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 18:44:52 +0000 Squudge 148015@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My personal bête noire at the moment is 'Tiger Teams' - these aren't new, and are characteristically energetic groups of thrusty twats charged with the heady responsibility of Doing-Something-Special-For-a-Bit. Recently though I have stumbled across at least one 'Leopard Team' in my organisation (Tigers no longer being special enough), and am now eagerly awaiting the emergence of an 'Ocelot Team'.</p> <p>Fckers.</p> <p>Typical life cycle: form shouty team, nick all the resources, shit everywhere, slink away without having done anything tangible other than a poster session in the corporate corridors.</p> <p>....I am so annoyed I may sub this some time </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148014 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 18:38:13 +0000 Squudge 148014@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Custard... you are pushing the envelope with that one </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148011 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 18:22:11 +0000 Sinnick 148011@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've been bored enough to look up "leverage" and "paradigm shift". Several times. I still can't work out WTF they mean. Maybe it's because I fell asleep halfw......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz</p> <p>Great material for a Left Alert, btw </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148008 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 17:22:38 +0000 custard cream 148008@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I think we are looking for an asymmetrically leveraged, goal orientated, client focussed, synergistic, Think-Outside-The-Box individual who through a paradigm shift can create a win win scenario for clients, intermediaries and end users, whilst at the same time keeping all the plates spinning and shooting at the stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148004 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 17:00:22 +0000 beau-jolly 148004@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A great peice of advice from a bloke I met who <em>"used to run a bank"</em> and was trying to be less dictatorial in meetings. Rather than saying "That's bollocks, here's what we are going to do" He taught himself to say. "Great: Let's call that plan B".<br /> Made me laugh! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148003 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 16:59:42 +0000 custard cream 148003@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant. Max. stars! Really funny and original. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-148002 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 16:52:29 +0000 Des Custard 148002@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nicely done rant, but I'm not sure that spelling it out like this is helpful, as it could use up all the good expressions in one go when they could be spread over a number of subs. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-147981 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 14:35:22 +0000 Midfield Diamond 147981@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Customer-focus: Many mistakenly interpret customer-focus as delivering a good product that the user will be happy with. What management actually mean by customer-focus is that we should all be focussed on how to screw the maximum amount of money out of the customer for the minimum of effort.</p> <p>Schedule-adherence: The ability of a company to deliver on time, irrespective of whether it works or not.</p> <p>(Heavily influenced by a quote from a manager yesterday: "We're not here to deliver something that works, we're here to meet a contract") </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-147973 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 13:55:58 +0000 dvo4fun 147973@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'Thinking outside the Box'. Don't succumb to temptation and use this little retro-number from the 1990s. It is now used to encourage a busy male executive to indulge in a little more foreplay </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-147969 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 13:45:56 +0000 button 147969@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5 stars by the way </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-147967 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 13:43:26 +0000 button 147967@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The K.I.S.S Principle. If you should happen to stumble into middle management and find yourslef with 5 young turks under you greased and ready for action. Don't panic if they start to use terminology which sounds as if someone in your position really should understand, but you have absolutley no idea clue they are talking about. Simply look at them knowingly and say "Remember, KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid". The pick up your Blackberry, swear under your breath, and walk off. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-147964 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 13:34:43 +0000 Midfield Diamond 147964@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can't help thinking that Scott Adams has covered plenty of this with his Dilbert books (and I think I saw a Dilbert cartoon about Meeting Bingo too). But on the other hand, there is always new material coming along. I went to a 'burn-down plan presentation' the other day at which we were urged to 'pick the low-hanging fruit'. I don't think it was about arson in orchards but I really can't be sure. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-147943 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 11:35:46 +0000 grottymonty 147943@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Years ago, when I was younger, dafter and had even less respect for my elders, we used to play meeting bingo, which involved emitting a high pitched "beep" if you won. Ducks in a row was always in there, we also had some twat who would "align his mallards".</p> <p>The "information cascade" was a thinly veiled attempt to pass the blame just before something went tits up, and allocating someone a timeslot for a meeting was "touching windows" - which I never got. </p> <p>The idea of adding "-orama" to the end of a shit thing to make it sound good seems to have been replaced by adding a fucking "i-" to the start of it.</p> <p>There, now you've got me angry again... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-147941 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 11:25:28 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 147941@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Started writing this a while back and thought it could make a decent Left Alert, then kind of ran out of ideas. Feel free to add to it. Feel equally free to ignore it completely, or to give it 1* and some abusive tags. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51420#post-147940 Fri, 09 Nov 2012 11:24:11 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 147940@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Does blue sky thinking leave you staring into space? Do you accept disorderly and disorganised ducks? Were you unaware that you had ever been thinking inside a box? Succeeding in business is not about what you know or even who you know, but all about how well you hide the fact that you are completely and utterly incompetent.</p> <p>If you sound confident as you spout buzz words and clichés then nobody will realise that you are a moron, they won’t mention that they are unsure exactly what ‘synergy’ actually means, or question why you are switching between using it as a noun and a verb at random.</p> <p>Our handy guide to the language of business will help you understand just how clueless your boss really is, and have you climbing the corporate ladder in no time.</p> <p><strong>Dot the i’s and cross the t’s</strong></p> <p>Many interpret this phrase as an expression of a desire for thoroughness. But look more closely; where is the mention of dotting lower case j’s? Are the j’s to go undotted? What about capital Q’s? Will they be left uncrossed? Is the intention therefore to express a desire for a half-finished job? No. This is actually a thinly-veiled threat to eliminate all lower case j’s and capital Q’s from a document.</p> <p>Beware the i dotter, anybody ruthless enough to target a letter of the alphabet will not think twice about stabbing you in the back.</p> <p><strong>Send that to myself / I’ll send that to yourself</strong></p> <p>Short words impress nobody, even when they are grammatically correct. So replace the words ‘me’ and ‘you’ with ‘myself’ and ‘yourself’. They sound similar enough that people will understand what you mean, and you will be taken much more seriously if you use longer words. Don’t worry, you’ll soon get over the embarrassment of speaking like a six year old with learning difficulties once you realise that everybody else is doing it too.</p> <p>Try to replace as many short words as you can with longer ones and people will respect you more. Why plan details when you can strategise granularity?</p> <p><strong>Maximinimise</strong></p> <p>A combination of maximise and minimise. If you maximinimse a project you may be maximising the benefit while minimising the risk, all the time maintaining that feeling of doubt that comes with people not quite knowing what you mean but not daring to ask.</p> <p>Ok, so we made that one up. But do you see how easy it is? If you invent a word and use it confidently nobody will want to risk asking what it means in case everybody else already knows. Why not give it a go yourself?</p> <p>Next week – fully utilising leverage in order to maximise synergisation of strategic gains. </p>