http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49252 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 16:47:57 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49252#post-142168 Sun, 07 Oct 2012 15:27:37 +0000 nickb 142168@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>wos all this capital letters stuff? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49252#post-142166 Sun, 07 Oct 2012 14:52:31 +0000 vertical 142166@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>funny first half but kinda wains towards 2nd half </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49252#post-142161 Sun, 07 Oct 2012 14:33:42 +0000 The Secret Cabal 142161@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>THE CABAL DEEMS THIS 83% AMUSING. IT IS ALSO DEEMED 'CHARITABLE' TO TAKE THE E I E I O JOKE OUT FOR A BIT OF A RUN AGAIN. TAX DEDUCTABLE MEDALS ALL ROUND AND A PYRAMID OF SWAN NECK PASTE SANDWICHES PLEASE, SIMPSON. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=49252#post-142158 Sun, 07 Oct 2012 14:18:23 +0000 nickb 142158@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Farmers bought at suburban farmers markets all over the country are being set free after owners find them “unmanageable”. This has led to an outbreak of “feral farmers” roaming wealthy suburbs, trying to break into luxury four wheel drive vehicles, whistling inappropriately at dogs and holding up bistros and off licences. The Association of Police Officers are warning of an epidemic of “cider crime” committed by confused and displaced agricultural workers, while the National Union of Famers is warning people not to buy farmers unless they have a real farm on which they can live and work. “A big garden will not do” warned a spokesperson for the NUF</p> <p>Margaret Latimer, who would prefer not to be named said she had bought what was billed as an “organic free range farmer” at Chiswick Farmer’s Market in West London. “He looked rather sweet in his wellingtons. We took him to our allotment and expected him to farm immediately, but he seemed listless and unresponsive, even when we let him listen to the Archers. I have my doubts about whether he was organic but he was certainly free range, despite the comforts we had provided in his little shed. One night he got as far as Battersea, where he had met up with other urban farmers in a pub, and he refused to come back unless we called a tractor. I think he may have been Welsh. I asked him the name of his last farm and he said something I didn’t understand. I asked him to spell it and he wrote down the letters “E I E I O”</p> <p>Ms Latimer took him back to the market, but said the trader who sold him to her refused a refund but offered 10 kilos of organic molasses in return. “We had no option,” said Ms Latimer. “Now we may have to sell the molasses on the black market.”</p> <p>Jeremy Craven, a financial trader from Islington had a similar problem: “I too am stuck with a farmer I do not want, and may have to turn him loose. I was hoping he could help me claim compensation under the Common Agricultural Policy, when produce fell below an agreed level. I was assured by our local Farmer’s Market that the farmer I had chosen had the expertise to put this into effect. He could also castrate bull calves and make his own cheese. So I got him home, gave him some tea, sat him in front of the computer, and left him to it. When I got back he wasn’t on the European Union Agriculture site at all. He was looking at a page called “Farmers’ Wives “ which he hastily shut down. It seemed to feature large blousy looking women running about with sharp knives.”</p> <p>Previously, Craven had met with some success trading in professional football players, but his experience with farmers hasn’t matched up. “Footballers are much easier. You buy them cheap in the middle east or West Africa, put them up in the Raddisson, Hyde Park, exercise them daily and just before the transfer window closes, sell them for an undisclosed sum to Fulham or Everton.” </p>