http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 16:19:04 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-142141 Sun, 07 Oct 2012 09:18:24 +0000 The Secret Cabal 142141@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>THE SECRET CABAL CONGRATULATIONS ITSELF ALL ROUND FOR AN OTTER FP.THIS REMINDS CABAL MEMBERS IMPORTANCE OF PROMPT GRATUITIES VIZ-A-ZIV SHOWING OFF TO EACH OTTER ON FACEBOOK. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-141500 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 21:25:50 +0000 Runestone Cowboy 141500@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Is this about Jimmy Savile? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139736 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 16:58:41 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 139736@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I haven't lost my temper. I never had one to start with. And my Mum died in 2003. And I don't live in her house. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139735 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 16:53:00 +0000 Skoob1999 139735@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I knew this would happen. We said no tantrums in this nice place. You keep losing your temper everywhere we go. I want us to move out of your Mum's but you keep proving you can't cope with the real world. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139734 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 16:34:34 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 139734@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You're all obviously barking mad. I have one ID here. The same one I've always had. Check with your admin. I have no yen to join in your little circle, or to conform to your style. You can attack me all you like! I don't give a toss. I really don't care. Or is that too complex a concept for you to get your heads around?</p> <p>Having said that, I may hang around for a while just to piss Gerontius off. And Jeni B. When did I ever mention anything about a conspiracy? You're all paranoid. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139664 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 09:36:35 +0000 writinginbsl 139664@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>the commas give the game away </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139662 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 09:27:12 +0000 Skoob1999 139662@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hi Martin, it's the voices in your head, you need better lighting otherwise they can't understand you. Get the woman to do it </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139640 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 07:41:18 +0000 Squudge 139640@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Loved the 'special sauce', and the gnawed chicken bones and gimp masks.</p> <p>Wondered if more might be made of how the under-age are seduced by the promise of gherkin slipped into their buns, and realise (years) too late that they have been ruined. It seemed all right at the time, they didn't know that what was being done to them was wrong.</p> <p>From Dantes Inferno... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139639 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 07:22:07 +0000 Gerontius 139639@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Let's face it Martin - the reason your stuff gets overlooked is because (like most of us) you're not very good at this sort of thing.<br /> When I say 'not very good' I obviously mean crap.<br /> And don't think I'm being critical, I'm not.<br /> It's jut that you're definitely crap.<br /> Not just you, but ALL the usernames you log in under.<br /> Absolute crap.<br /> But nobody minds and worst of all, nobody cares.<br /> You're the obsessive around here - most people have real lives to get on with.<br /> I imagine you get overlooked in the real world too. That must hurt.<br /> But please keep subbing and then commenting on your own stuff, it's very entertaining. Sadly, for all the wrong reasons, but nevertheless still entertaining.<br /> No sorry, not entertaining...I meant embarrassing<br /> It's a shame you don't like to be the centre of attention - your opinion is very important to us.<br /> Sounds like you're a prolific writer.<br /> So, which one of your comic masterpieces are you most proud of?<br /> Why not post it here.<br /> Prove me wrong.<br /> I've been posting instantly forgetable crap on here for over four years now, so I know crap when I see it.</p> <p>They say you should write about 'what you know'...so if Wayland, Charlie, Button and VCG write about sex tourism in Thailand then you should try and learn from it...not criticise it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139633 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 05:40:07 +0000 Yikes 139633@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like it.</p> <p>Seems a bit risky to say more than that ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139624 Sun, 23 Sep 2012 00:12:40 +0000 The All New Jeni B 139624@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I can assure all involved that I didn't gush. In fact, while I did actually 'laugh out loud' at the line I quoted, I didn't have a full-blown 'cup of tea sprayed on the keyboard' moment.<br /> (Which if you're as much of an old hand as you claim to be, you'll know is the ultimate accolade of this site)</p> <p>And while we're on the subject of how long we've been here, I think I pretty much win that one hands down old chap. Other than shitsu and Quaz, I don't think there's too many of the original gang left.</p> <p>While I appreciate that you don't wish to conform, there is little point in railing against the site style if you don't make an effort to at least tailor your work to suit it, and if having written thousands of pieces makes you an expert, well, good.<br /> I'm happy for you.<br /> It doesn't, however, actually mean anything more than that you've written thousands of pieces.</p> <p>Please, please don't try to make more out of my comment than was intended. If you notice, I did say that the five stars were to spread among the four contributors. Hardly the 'gushing' you claim.</p> <p>I've tried to take on board comments that you've made to me, I've read and 'listened' to what you've said, but now all I hear is "Blah, blah, blah. Out to get me. Blah, blah, blah. Conspiracy..."</p> <p>We all have our opinions, and we are all equally entitled to hold those opinions, and even voice them.<br /> More and more, I am choosing NOT to comment on subs unless I have a really strong reaction to them BECAUSE OF YOU! </p> <p>I am frankly fed up of you, your little bunch of acolytes (aka multiple usernames), and your petty feet stamping.</p> <p>How dare you claim to know this site better than anyone else, and how dare you make judgements on comments I make in support or otherwise of a sub.</p> <p>Please, don't respond to this with another rant against all that has made this site a success. I will not read them. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139613 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 23:16:22 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 139613@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fucking well said Martin!</p> <p>Erm...Damien.</p> <p>Where's me pipe? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139606 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 22:57:45 +0000 Anonymous 139606@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I enjoy subs like this that are whimsy.</p> <p>Just to confirm, I am not Martin,so if anyone is peperring my subs with 1 stars not because you think they are shit but because you think I have two usernames then please don't. I am Damien.</p> <p>Thanks</p> <p>Martin </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139597 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 22:27:32 +0000 FlashArry 139597@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Forbidden perversions in Bangkok ? the mind reels.<br /> Does it involve one of Dustys 'milking' machines ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139595 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 22:24:39 +0000 waylandsmithy 139595@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And that sir, is tantamount to a flounce!</p> <p><img src="http://cigline.net/image/22.jpg"></p> <p>Tantamount, I say! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139594 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 22:22:22 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 139594@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Move on you prick!</p> <p>Talk about the sub! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139593 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 22:20:05 +0000 rikkor 139593@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yikes. A bitch fight. Again. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139591 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 22:17:12 +0000 Perks 139591@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"A bit OTT with some of the comments methinks. It was hardly the fucking parrot sketch..."</p> <p> It's a mini flounce ;) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139589 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 22:12:40 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 139589@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Perks</p> <p>I don't do 'flouncing' mate. Not my style. And I have had a NiB. I really have no axe to grind.</p> <p>See entry above.</p> <p>Now then, can we get back on topic? Contrary to popular belief, I'm not really all that keen on being the centre of attention. I just made my mind up and gave this five. I hope those involved work together some more. I can envisage them getting pretty good at it. Writing in a team is tough. Good luck all. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139588 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 22:10:22 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 139588@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers Smithy.</p> <p>I don't expect anything. You've been fair enough with me here since I came back, and that's appreciated. Others not so fair, but that's okay as far as I'm concerned. I'll continue to look in to see what my chum's up to, as long as he's still here. I just don't do conformity. It seems to defeat the object. If everyone took the conformity route we'd still be watching 'Love Thy Neighbour' and 'Terry And June' on the box.</p> <p>Must admit though, I am kind of interested. And there is some good stuff on here. Maybe I'll hang around for a while and see how it pans out. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139587 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 21:58:06 +0000 Perks 139587@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>On a sub about a burger character and you complain 'puns seem to cut the mustard'. Lovely.</p> <p>Just a thought, your experiment involved adopting an attitude of a tad aggressive to see if you would be made to feel welcome? If I walked into pub and was a tad aggressive I wouldn't expect to make a lot of friends.</p> <p>I personnaly don't think your a bad sort, but you keep banging on about how badly newcomers are treated in a week where 2 or 3 have got FP and a couple of nib's. It's becoming a bit tedious.</p> <p> I think Jeni was far from gushing. What she said was i like this, this is my favorite line, have some stars in a way that reflects this sub. Maybe if you stop flouncing every time someone says 'i like this' about a sub thats by a 'regular' writer, people would be more friendly towards you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139586 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 21:54:50 +0000 waylandsmithy 139586@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Martin, it's not about 'armour'. If you listen to the criticism, your subs might start to fit the site style.</p> <p>It can take a while, sometimes it's frustrating. But you've already said you've no interest in adapting to the style, so there's little point posting stuff.</p> <p>Most of the ratings are made with the 'site style' in mind. If it doesn't fit, it tends to get ignored. The big difference between this site and others is that it has editorial input. If it doesn't fit, it won't get used. The feedback is generally a guide towards what the editors might like.</p> <p>Having said that, the star ratings are a red herring. Stuff with no comments or stars get used regularly, and stuff with lots of stars and comments are often overlooked. It's no biggy.</p> <p>If you want to get your stuff used, adapt to the style. If you don't want to adapt, get used to negative comments. That's not a criticism, it's genuinely meant to be helpful.</p> <p>There are some great new writers on here. Dustybin Laden is extremely good and bound to have a great deal of success. If its you posting as Cockshuffle, then you obviously grasp the idea of fitting the site style. </p> <p>But then there's lots of people who post stuff for their own amusement, are rarely picked up and often ignored. That's the way of it. Just don't expect the site to adapt to you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139583 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 21:30:19 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 139583@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I was referring to Jeni's comment. Gushing would appear to cover it. It just seems strange to me that many similarly funny subs get wildly different evaluations. Some get lauded from the rooftops, whilst similarly amusing entries are damned to Dante's Inferno.</p> <p>Believe it or not, I am trying to be constructive on this site. I am certainly not a troll either. I've contributed thousands of articles to satire sites, and devoted a great deal of time and energy into promoting creative writing.</p> <p>For the most part, I've been slagged off to arseholes since I resurfaced here. I don't know why that should be, but if you get the impression that I'm about to go on an arse kissing spree - you can forget that.</p> <p>Admittedly, I did appear to be a tad aggressive when I first came back, but that was a response to a PM complaining that new people weren't made very welcome here. So I did a little experiment to see if I found that to be the case.</p> <p>Surprise surprise! </p> <p>One stars all round and no explanation why.</p> <p>I've been registered here for almost two years now. Nice to see that nothing's changed and that cringe inducing puns seem to somehow cut the mustard.</p> <p>I'm quite an old hand at this game, so your one star ratings and your bullshit comments fail to penetrate the armour.</p> <p>I'm not a bad sort really. I think waylandsmithy might confirm that, at least to a degree. I just don't like people getting in my face. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139572 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 20:14:18 +0000 button 139572@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Martin, apart from you, only 3 people have commented. Charlie didn't praise or damn it, Perks said he really liked it but gave some constructive criticism, and Jeni said she liked it. I hardly think thats OTT. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139568 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 19:55:42 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 139568@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A bit OTT with some of the comments methinks. It was hardly the fucking parrot sketch... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139565 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 19:37:48 +0000 The All New Jeni B 139565@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like it, with my favourite line being, <blockquote>the fugitive appeared dishevelled and stained with special sauce,</blockquote>.</p> <p>I'm going to award the full five training stars, to be shared among you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139563 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 19:33:09 +0000 charlies_hat 139563@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Such an irony that the Hamburglar ended up as a respectable CEO of an accountancy practice. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139561 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 19:26:04 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 139561@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You probably think I'm going to take a pop at you gents for this, as some sort of revenge. I'm not. I haven't rated it yet, because I can't make up my mind how much I like it. Reading it was a little confusing. It seemed disjointed. The fact that it was a committee effort as revealed at the end kind of explained that. I did a story about Sherlock Holmes the other day, and somebody kindly pointed out that Holmes is a fictional character, so it didn't work. The same could apply to this. But it did work for me. To a degree. Some nice touches - like the Merv Hughes vegemite part especially. But overall it doesn't quite flow. I'll reserve judgement for now and leave it to others. I did sort of like it, and for what it's worth, I'd like to see you all collaborate on something else. Maybe something a little less disjointed.</p> <p>Hope this proves useful. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139560 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 19:24:19 +0000 Perks 139560@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I really like this so stars from me one and all. Just one style point. Is it intentional that it is more narrative and less report with no quotes. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48484#post-139556 Sat, 22 Sep 2012 19:08:53 +0000 waylandsmithy 139556@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Missing food clown Ronald McDonald has finally been discovered, living a sick double-life in Bangkok. Thai police confirmed they’d arrested a 45 year-old with a fake Scottish passport, after a disturbance at an adult cinema. According to reports, the fugitive appeared dishevelled and stained with special sauce, and had refused to leave after propositioning a female member of staff to give him a ‘McShake’.</p> <p>Speculation surrounding McDonald’s private life has been rife. At 6’5”, the larger-than-life food fetishist had a control over many of his victims, and would convince them to stuff their young full of crap. But with internet forums full of rumours about the exact nature of his bun obsession and where he stuck his gherkins, he was quietly dropped by sponsors and replaced with carrot sticks as a carrot on a stick with a promise of 5 a day.</p> <p>Ronald not only disappeared from the nation's TV screens, but also seemingly from the face of the earth. Some speculated about an assassination by the shadowy Burger King, whilst others believed he’d succumbed to BSE. Other more far-fetched theorists believed he had been hiding out in former Australian fast bowler Merv Hughe’s moustache, living off Fosters lager and vegemite. These latter rumours were completely unfounded.</p> <p>The truth was sadder than any internet based rumour. McDonald was reportedly found in the southern part of Bangkok, disguised in a cheap ‘Where’s Wally?’ outfit and wearing a girdle. Sleeping rough on Colonel Sander’s sofa in the basement of a brothel, he was discovered surrounded by gnawed chicken bones and gimp masks.</p> <p>Like the Little Chef before him and a retired soldier known only as ‘Wimpy’, he had been taken in by the Colonel in an apparent act of kindness. And there he remained, addicted to forbidden perversions and the Colonel’s secret recipe (which forensics experts later discovered wasn't a 'blend of 11 herbs and spices', but a mix of salt and glue).</p> <p>The road to recovery will be a long one for Ronald, but there is hope that one day he will once again enjoy happy times, and meals. </p> <p>Created in a dank basement by Button, Charlie's Hat, VCG and Waylandsmithy </p>