http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47575 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 09:38:05 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47575#post-136633 Sat, 01 Sep 2012 11:10:42 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 136633@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers Squudge. Not far from Winchester meself these days. Where I am we haven't graduated to a Starbucks yet. I expect somebody's working on it.</p> <p>Shuttlecock. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47575#post-136613 Sat, 01 Sep 2012 08:06:54 +0000 Squudge 136613@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tarquin Twonk is a lovely sobriquet (I am assuming his real name is Twat).</p> <p>I have a friend who thinks he is a rebel in refusing to give his name to the barista at Starbucks. Last time we went for a coffee I offered 'Torquil' on his behalf.</p> <p>This being Winchester no-one batted an eye. </p> <p>He swears he went to Uni with a Swedish chap called 'Uric Hunt' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47575#post-136577 Sat, 01 Sep 2012 03:00:57 +0000 Martin Shuttlecock 136577@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's just been confirmed that Conservative stand up comedian, Tarquin Twonk has been commissioned by the BBC to produce a six part television series showcasing his unique brand of right wing comedy.</p> <p>Twonk, 24, a graduate from Burnley College of Arts and Technology wowed the crowds at this year's Edinburgh fringe festival with remarkable lines such as:</p> <p>"Don't talk to me about poverty. As a child, my bed was only the size of Albania."</p> <p>Twonk's agent maintains that the artiste remains philosophical about the BBC commission.</p> <p>"In fairness," said the agent. "Tarquin is going to have to forego a life of luxury in Mayfair, and make do with life in Salford for six weeks. On a crap salary. To be honest, he's dreading it. Living in fear he is. And who can blame him? The poor sod might have the misfortune to bump into the likes of Peter Kay, John Bishop and Wayne Rooney. Not to mention psychopathic Ordsall gunmen and Mario Balotelli. But at least it's a clear statement that the BBC is an equal opportunities employer."</p> <p>Twonk, as inspirational a comedian as the nation has ever seen cites Margaret Thatcher as his inspiration.</p> <p>"She was utterly brilliant!" he enthused in a recent interview. "Not only did she single handedly build Canary Wharf and destroy the trade unions - she also taught us that it's totally acceptable to break batons on striking miners heads for no apparent reason, that it's the done thing to needlessly harass black people, and to allow Rupert Murdoch to effectively run the country. And still, without mercy, down the Falklands kill 1,300 Argies as they were doing a runner. And I'm not even mentioning the fact that she inspired the IRA to ever greater outrages because she flatly refused to take part in dialogue. She was a card was Maggie. Destroyed our manufacturing industry with the stroke of a pen, and focussed on banking. Sheer genius. Those were the days when her and Ronnie 'The Genius' Reagan ruled the world. They didn't mess about. Divide and rule! That's the way to do it! These left wingers say that Mags took her inspiration from Peter The Great, and they say that's ironic. They're having a laugh aren't they? Have they ever watched Jeremy Kyle?"</p> <p>Tarquin Twonk will record his shows before a live audience in Media City, Salford, living off pot noodles and Alaskan scrumpy cider in a squat in Lower Broughton.</p> <p>With Paul Calf.</p> <p>According to a BBC spokesperson.</p> <p>More as we get it. </p>