http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 01:22:29 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134194 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 18:26:21 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 134194@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hope you weren't wearing the pants at the time dvo </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134192 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 18:17:12 +0000 Perks 134192@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I work in Oxford city centre and deal with this academics daily. This is spot on. It's a fine line between fact and satire. 5 stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134189 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 17:48:18 +0000 dvo4fun 134189@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've just read some snippets out to mrs 4fun, who was fulfilling gender stereotyping by ironing my pants, and she was so concerned about my wheezing &amp; snorting that she's dialled 999 </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134188 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 17:42:52 +0000 antharrison 134188@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Arselumni? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134187 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 17:38:10 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 134187@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cracking. You'd have to be an arsehole not to like it</p> <p>5 tightly squeezed stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134183 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 17:30:30 +0000 dvo4fun 134183@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Now that - Ladies &amp; Gemmum - is a first class sub. Actually brought a tear to the eyes. </p> <p>I thought of cut 'n' pasting m'favourite but couldn't choose [para 3 still has me pausing for breath tho'] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134180 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 17:08:15 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 134180@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134179 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 16:48:39 +0000 antharrison 134179@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love it.</p> <p>I came-up with the term "To pomposs" for when such an arsehole says something pompous. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134178 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 16:45:55 +0000 ginty 134178@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A 5 star synopsis on arseholes. If that doesn't make the front page, then I think you've probably struck a raw nerve! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46640#post-134176 Thu, 09 Aug 2012 16:27:18 +0000 waylandsmithy 134176@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Britain’s top universities are still capable of churning out endless arseholes, despite recent attempts to force the odd prole through their doors.</p> <p>That’s the claim made by bursars at Oxford and Cambridge universities, home to colleges with a proud history of arsehole production. In fact, many of the arseholes who have graduated from the region widely regard themselves to be ‘the envy of the world’.</p> <p>“It’s not all inspirational Olympians and dedicated research scientists”, insisted Dr Jeremy Hogg, chair of Oxford’s St. Windolene’s college. “We’re still knocking out the sort of bore that orders breakfast in Latin. For every scientist researching cancer there’s a misunderstood director making wilfully difficult ballet about the fagging system. They're both arseholes, but only one of them makes a song and dance about it."</p> <p>Hogg wants his illuminati of glittering arseholes to make more of an effort to promote themselves, a feat that many who've met them would scarcely believe possible. "A lot of our graduates don't do anything useful at all" boasted Hogg, himself a Fellow of Jazz Harpsichords and a keen proponent of classical Marmaladeology. "With the correct accent, a bit of tweed and a patronising sneer, even a harmless Mathematician can create a sphincter-like aura. There's never a wrong time to remind those in earshot of where you went to college, or hand relatives your business card, and explain what all those letters mean."</p> <p>Hogg believes there are some simple steps that an arsehole can take to draw more attention to themselves. "If you host visitors at work, why not keep a swan in your office?" advised Hogg. "Litter your conversation with Shakespeare, and references to obscure Russian sonnets. There’s plenty of history that you can draw on, particularly those years you spent at prep school. Complaining noisily about that is bound to really piss people off." Speaking louder than necessary comes naturally to the majority of arseholes, but Hogg thinks they can go further, if they revive the Victorian tradition of ‘bragging through a trumpet’.</p> <p>Hogg is very proud of his college, which has benefited members of his family for generations. “Whether I’m at my private members club or listening to opera in my chamber, I hear very few complaints about the arsehole system”, he claimed. “Who could criticise these elite places of learning, with their archaic traditions, elaborate architecture and complete isolation from the real world?” </p> <p>With most of his peers remaining in higher education until retirement or a career in politics, it’s no surprise that they support Hogg 100%. “We’re a tight-knit little circle that pulls together in times of stress”, claimed Hogg. “In that respect, we're proper arseholes.” </p>