http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39650 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 26 May 2013 09:21:33 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39650#post-112580 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 08:52:40 +0000 Perks 112580@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep. Nice fp good work. Late stars from me </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39650#post-112577 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 08:41:45 +0000 dvo4fun 112577@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>cracking fp stan </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39650#post-112499 Thu, 08 Mar 2012 17:21:21 +0000 dvo4fun 112499@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not trying to hijack your sub stan, but I'd been thinking of rewording this one from a couple of months ago when I read the above. Not sure there's room for 2 on similar angle so if any of it useful feel free.</p> <p>A senior Government minister has refuted reports that insurance has been obtained to cover potential losses, should the Queen not live until her Diamond Anniversary celebrations in June 2012. </p> <p>Speculation about the monarch's health has been growing in South East Asia, the economic area which has most to lose by virtue of its dynamic ceramics and tea-towel industries. Danny Alexander Chief Secretary to the Treasury addressed the issue in the Commons today. </p> <p>"Of course, Her Majesty is not getting any younger, but she was given the once over by her personal physician only last week. As a dummy run for NHS selling off confidential patient data to the private sector, we then obtained a copy of the Doctor's report in exchange for some cash and I can tell the House that Her Majesty is in fine health. Or at least as fine as one might reasonably hope for in an octogenarian fished out of a very limited gene pool. Hopefully that'll make the HSBC knobend who sold her the long-term care bond wince!".</p> <p>Mr Alexander explained that the UK's exposure to loss is extremely small. An insurance quote was therefore not asked for, although a long series of letters from 'Saga' had been received offering quotations in exchange for a Parker pen. As with the Olympics, very little Jubilee merchandise will be produced in the UK, whilst the retail side is contracted out to a French firm based in the tax haven of Andorra. However, the pre-Olympic Diamond Jubilee celebrations are seen by UK security forces as a useful warm up for the main event later in the summer; giving the opportunity to test out procedures amongst short-term contract security staff. They will be recruited mostly from Eastern Europe or South America and may be unfamiliar with common English phrases such as 'Stop Mr. de Menezes, or we'll shoot'.</p> <p>"Let me put your minds at rest" Alexander told fellow MPs "we all expect Her Majesty will be around for the whole of next year, indeed for many years to come. But, if the worst should happen before next June then, as you will readily appreciate, there will not just be one event there will be two. First the funeral. Then the Coronation. We have a Rapid Response Funeral Unit standing by, ready to deploy in 45 minutes. Many of the logistical arrangements for the Diamond Jubilee would also apply for a Royal Funeral. Obviously we'd have to ease back a little on the bunting and balloons and tone down the street parties, marching bands and clowns. Except for the Highgrove area of course; we have to be realistic."</p> <p>"Just to be on the safe side though, we've pre-recorded some Jubilee celebrations; splicing together some unused footage from The Last Night of the Proms and Britains Got Talent with a Battle of Britain memorial flight documentary from 'Yesterday' TV channel. I don't honestly think anyone would spot the joins but we may not need it anyway. To be frank, the 'ideal' would be a tightly grouped series of events. First the Jubilee. Then a fatal heart attack, say brought on by the Jubilee 42 Gun Salute. Then the Olympics. Then we fit the Coronation around the August Bank Holiday weekend. Stranger things have happened you know. I'm a Lib Dem and look mum, I'm in Government!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39650#post-112498 Thu, 08 Mar 2012 17:14:13 +0000 Stan Laurel 112498@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It may be tasteless or even treasonable, but I bet the Whitehall mandarins have a cunning plan. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39650#post-112496 Thu, 08 Mar 2012 16:40:41 +0000 Golgo13 112496@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>May I?</p> <p><a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21567" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21567</a></p> <p>This thread also includes lengthy debate on the legal predicament faced by those who imagine the death of the sovereign... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39650#post-112490 Thu, 08 Mar 2012 15:53:13 +0000 medici2471 112490@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Funny...although it may be treason to "imagine" the death of the sovereign, in which case you're on your own! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=39650#post-112474 Thu, 08 Mar 2012 14:20:51 +0000 Stan Laurel 112474@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following advice from top level contingency planning experts, it is understood that the Government has taken steps to ensure that the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations will not be marred by her untimely death, by engaging the services of Helen Mirren to stand in, if necessary, reprising her award winning role in <em>The Queen</em>.</p> <p>‘Her Majesty will be 86 in June and we can’t take any chances,’ revealed a Whitehall source, ‘there is too much riding on these celebrations to allow them to be derailed by the Queen ruining everything by popping off just before the big day. We’ve taken advice and our consultants have recommended that we hire a double for the ceremonies and pageant to keep the nation happy, and, of course, the economy moving.’</p> <p>‘The plan is to delay the announcement of her passing until after the celebrations,’ he continued, ‘perhaps attributing it to the excitement of meeting Sir Cliff yet again. Then we can cash in on a Royal Funeral, something we British do so well. ’</p> <p>Although her agent is maintaining a regal silence, it is known that Dame Helen’s appointment diary has been blocked out for the next six months, adding to speculation that her reign may be extended to include the Olympics which Her Majesty is scheduled to open at the end of July, assuming that she survives that long. ‘Whilst my lips are tightly sealed,’ whispered a member of the Mirren inner circle, ‘I can say that Helen is on 24 hour standby. If a certain person so much as sneezes, Helen will be rushed into emergency make up.’</p> <p>The contingency planner’s mantra is ‘If you plan for the worst, the worst very rarely happens’. This may be rather bad news for the Duke of Edinburgh who, after studiously watching an old <em>Caligula</em> DVD, is considering the purchase of a little red swim suit as a welcome gift in anticipation of another Oscar winning performance from Dame Helen as she does her patriotic duty. </p>