http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38621 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 12:19:07 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38621#post-109365 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 19:43:07 +0000 Qoxiivi 109365@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cheers peeps. Have a few hours now to try and find a punchier ending - before the editing window closes. Hmm. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38621#post-109357 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 18:17:30 +0000 Immunis 109357@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's good and wury wuvly </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38621#post-109346 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:25:22 +0000 dvo4fun 109346@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>5 laughoutloud (starting at para 3) stars Qoxiivi. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38621#post-109344 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:22:37 +0000 Qoxiivi 109344@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"Perhaps even a suicidal badger with the horn." I'm trying to imagine that but I just can't. Maybe it's for the best. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38621#post-109340 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:01:01 +0000 waylandsmithy 109340@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's like a cry for help. Qoxii, I'm sure someone will send you a dewy-eyed horse or a cow that's a bit mopey. Perhaps even a suicidal badger with the horn. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38621#post-109338 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:46:21 +0000 Qoxiivi 109338@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Note: I think this could do with a punchier ending, but have hit a wall and am feeling brain-dead now. Any suggestions? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38621#post-109337 Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:44:25 +0000 Qoxiivi 109337@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A study by the Medical Research Council has established a direct link between saccharine merchandise produced by the greetings card industry and the diabetes epidemic sweeping the developed world.</p> <p>‘Of course, we’ve known for years about the enormous damage an A5 card featuring kittens in a pram can have on someone’s IQ, but, until now, no one had really examined horrendous physical effects.’ said Professor Joseph Harris, who headed up the study.</p> <p>‘We started off by splitting ten apes into two groups. The first, our control group, we locked in a room full of Haribo and flapjacks for a month. The other five we pushed into Clinton Cards.’</p> <p>‘The results were disturbing. Three of the ‘Clintons’ batch fell into a diabetic coma on their way past a shelf of polyester bears, while the other two came back hypoglycaemic and had to be immediately taken into care. Sadly, they died some time later after one of our team sent them each a Forever Friends get well card.’</p> <p>The research has also prompted a wave of whistle-blowing, from within the industry, regarding the inhuman conditions experienced by many of those whose job it is to create the syrupy products.</p> <p>‘We hate them just as much as you do.’ said one anonymous designer. ‘But after seven years of photoshopping big grins onto pigs or applying soft lighting effects to some ducklings clambering around a hamper, most of us simply aren’t fit to do anything else anymore.’</p> <p>‘There’s even one guy who does nothing but sew ‘I Wuv Woo!’ onto little frogs. He spends half his day crying and the other half on an intravenous insulin drip.’ </p>