http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 12:10:19 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103483 Tue, 03 Jan 2012 00:13:36 +0000 the coarse whisperer 103483@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You`re wasting your time.</p> <p>You say: "You`re a cunt"</p> <p>Narcissist hears: "You`re great!"</p> <p>Best you can hope for is to provoke him to ever greater hubris for your own amusement. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103473 Mon, 02 Jan 2012 22:04:54 +0000 shitsu_tonka 103473@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hack his X-box live account. Ten seconds on Google and you'll find out how. </p> <p>Or get one of those little gizmos for your key ring that can turn off TVs. Every time a race gets going you can simply shut it down. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103467 Mon, 02 Jan 2012 21:09:59 +0000 The All New Jeni B 103467@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My late M-i-L was an absolute darling, and I miss her dreadfully.</p> <p>Those who didn't know her very well were often intimidated by her larger-than-life personality, but she was a big softy.<br /> Unless someone messed with her nearest and dearest, then the dragon was unleashed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103462 Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:42:23 +0000 Ironduke 103462@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There is no sensitive readership here Poey!</p> <p>There was a little incident years ago of our bedroom door being quietly opened during the day and a strangled gasp from Mother-in-Law who had a perfect view of my bobbing backside.</p> <p>Perhaps I should have ensured that the lingerie under the Xmas tree was crotchless and tassled? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103461 Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:35:00 +0000 Poecheng 103461@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>At risk of being indelicate and offending a sensitive readership:<br /> You are already half-way there in that you have had and, I hope, still enjoy relations with Mrs Duke. Be indiscrete and drop reminders of the fact that you are having relations with his daughter - the more extreme the better.</p> <p>PS: I am blessed with a wonderful father in law but cannot wait until someone poses the M-in-L question ! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103399 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 22:31:07 +0000 godly1966 103399@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sadly you’ll have to get a better car than him and learn to beat him on the Xbox, or I wonder is it possible to divorce a father in law? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103397 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:36:44 +0000 Runestone Cowboy 103397@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Heart condition? Sneak up behind and shout BANG!</p> <p>Tell him you're 'just testing'. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103395 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:06:24 +0000 Ironduke 103395@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have you got a trade, Fernando? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103388 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 18:54:27 +0000 fernandomando 103388@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A middle aged father in law obsessed with playing driving games on an x-box? Albeit it is a very cheap way to have a mid-life crisis, this man sounds great. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103387 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 18:38:18 +0000 Scroat 103387@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have you tried telling him he's a c*nt? </p> <p>I'm sure that would piss him off! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103385 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:41:52 +0000 Ironduke 103385@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'd say he was a right horn-abuser...new term, old message! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103367 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 12:45:37 +0000 John Ffitch-Rucker 103367@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Here’s one for you, duke:<br /> <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/news/8968283/BMW-drivers-top-league-of-horn-abusers.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/news/8968283/BMW-drivers-top-league-of-horn-abusers.html</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103365 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 12:09:10 +0000 dvo4fun 103365@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Short and to the point. Works for me </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103364 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 12:05:41 +0000 Ironduke 103364@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><a href="http://photobucket.com/images/stop%20being%20a%20cunt/">I think I've cracked it</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103359 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 10:50:45 +0000 dvo4fun 103359@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Could also provide him, without comment, literature about erectile dysfunction and/or a list of local acredited counsellors (available via British Association for Counselling &amp; Psychotherapy website). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103343 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 23:24:24 +0000 Ironduke 103343@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Jeni...being gifted in the olfactory flatulence department, that is taken as sound advice and I shall report its employment.</p> <p>Al...re.Xbox...details please. I like it very much...I would tend towards accelerating the pace rather than decelerating, otherwise we will have to suffer his lecture on how his reflexes / intelligence etc are so advanced for his age.</p> <p>Ffitchy, a link would be appreciated and employed with gratitude</p> <p>Rikky-babes, wise words as ever darling. Have employed this technique but in the past I realise I have given up too soon. efforts will be redoubled.</p> <p>Happy New Year to you all, you cynical buggers! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103342 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 22:43:05 +0000 rikkor 103342@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is somefink which me dear departed mum taught me, and it has never failed:</p> <p>When any person is telling grand stories, the stories eventually get to a point where the listener is expected to make a huge, awed response. The key is to keep your face completely expressionless during the whole story, no nods, no "oh yes", no nothing. It absolutely drives the braggart crazy, and forces him to tell even bigger whoppers to get a response. Of course, the response will never come from you.</p> <p>They will never stop, but they will never get satisfaction from you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103337 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 19:22:03 +0000 Al OPecia 103337@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Or you could tell him that in the East End of London they were known as "Black Man's Wheels". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103336 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 18:58:59 +0000 John Ffitch-Rucker 103336@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Some old chaps, being unable to have carnival knowledge of attractive women, transfer their affections to their motors. If this is the case here, point out that his car has a really poor:<br /> 1. Safety record.<br /> 2. Reliability record.<br /> 3. Depreciation record.<br /> 4. Customer satisfaction record.<br /> 5. All of the above.<br /> Better still, post him a newspaper article that highlights these deficiencies. It works beautifully, especially if done anonymously, as he will suspect you but never be able to prove it.<br /> Happy New Year to all.<br /> JFR. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103335 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 18:24:50 +0000 Al OPecia 103335@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have you thought of overclocking the X-box processor so it gets faster and faster? Or better still, slower and slower? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103332 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 18:07:31 +0000 The All New Jeni B 103332@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This was used to great effect by a friend to mortify his snooty M-i-L, and you may use it if you choose...<br /> Whenever you and he are alone in a room together, let off a silent but deadly fart.<br /> (This works best if you hear someone else approaching)</p> <p>Once everyone's eyes stop watering, glare accusingly at your F-i-L but say nothing. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103323 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 17:48:34 +0000 Ironduke 103323@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>background info:</p> <p>'Went to in-laws for Xmas. Father-in-law, just for a little background, is an obnoxious braggart, but we were rather hoping that a mild heart attack and brush with mortality would make him, perhaps, a little more appreciative of his family and less materialistic.</p> <p>He stuck a present 'to everyone' under the tree, which was a special steering wheel for his XBox driving game, under the pretext that he would let everyone else have a go so it was really a present for everyone.</p> <p>He shouted at HIS father-in-law, an extremely frail ex-RAF pilot, for not moving fast enough into the dinning room.</p> <p>Christmas Day, 9pm, he was pissed, cursing his Xbox as a 'piece of shit' because he couldn't get his game to load.</p> <p>Finally he loaded it, had to use his old joystick, said he was going to test it, and treated his family to the sight of the back of his head and the noise of snarling engines and screaming tyres for the next three-quarters of an hour.</p> <p>When my wife included him on the passing round of offerred chocolates, he snapped 'I'm in the middle of a race'.</p> <p>We retired at 10.30, leaving the miserable cunt lecturing his wife and uncle about how to play Xbox bowling.</p> <p>Thank you for listening. This has been most cathartic.'</p> <p>The Grandfather-in-law is a quiet and dignified gentleman, now extremely frail. In earlier years he showed me the log books of his Lancster bomber missions, and had some great tales to tell. In part, I am angry with myself for not piping up in support as my wife told Braggart to stop shouting at the old boy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103317 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 17:31:53 +0000 dvo4fun 103317@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ironduke</p> <p>I have had the great good fortune to have acquired as a F-i-L several decades ago, along with Mrs 4fun, one of the sweetest, gentlest (is that a word?) men I have ever met. He never spoke about his war service with Mrs 4fun when she was growing up but did so with his grandchildren; I hear that this is not uncommon. My understanding is that turning up at Belsen in his tank a couple of days after it had been 'liberated' affected his approach to life which thereafter was dedicated to education of children and in particular to those who needed a bit of a boost. </p> <p>As far as your's is concerned you have my sympathy. Had you considered burning your bridges and casually asking:- "Err [insert father-in-law's name].. just checking and please forgive me for asking but do many others that you know think that you're just an obnoxious **nt, or is it only me?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103310 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 17:13:58 +0000 Al OPecia 103310@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How about asking him "what are you doing to combat climate change"?</p> <p>Please let us know how Arrgharry reacts. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103307 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 17:08:20 +0000 dvo4fun 103307@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As also posted on another thread:</p> <p>"Ironduke - perhaps steam off a 'Sarsons' vinegar label and glue it to the 'house wine' bottle?" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103298 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 16:18:59 +0000 Ironduke 103298@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...and before you get there first, we'll take 'visit him more often' as read, shall we? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36832#post-103297 Sat, 31 Dec 2011 16:18:17 +0000 Ironduke 103297@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...please could you share your best tips for pissing him off? Believe me, the 'BMW erectile dysfunction' story was a great start. </p>