http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 08:08:08 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-84900 Fri, 09 Sep 2011 12:43:33 +0000 Scroat 84900@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A titter ran round the room. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83998 Fri, 02 Sep 2011 14:19:54 +0000 rickwestwell 83998@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>- My brother thinks he's a chicken.<br /> - Why don't you take him to see a doctor?<br /> - We would, but we need the eggs. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83996 Fri, 02 Sep 2011 14:15:00 +0000 beau-jolly 83996@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>... I want to poison them, not kick them to death. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83981 Fri, 02 Sep 2011 11:15:15 +0000 Oxbridge 83981@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>...and the Englishman said "If you don't shut up, you'll soon be the ghost of the BROWN toilet paper".</p> <p>You can probably infer what led up to that. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83901 Thu, 01 Sep 2011 14:08:00 +0000 f0zz 83901@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Right. Well, only much later in life did it occur that this joke has a particularly obvious flaw, but in spite of that elephant in the room (revealed in the very next paragraph) it was an oft-told and heartily laughed-at ouevre, probably because we were nine and it was naughty.</p> <p>This is all I remember. The female protagonist was a lovely lass named 'shaggerarder' There's the elephant, obvious to anyone with half a brain who wasn't nine. The punchline has practically marched to the front of the joke and, well, punched you, firmly. In the dick.</p> <p>And it concludes after some considerable rambling with the oddly-named lass being shouted for and the reply coming from upstairs: 'Shaggerarder? I'm doing me bloody best!"</p> <p>Oh, our aching sides. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83877 Thu, 01 Sep 2011 10:00:27 +0000 charlies_hat 83877@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can you spot this one BJ ?</p> <p>...and she said: "Well I don't think you're a fishmonger. I think you've got a plop in the wrong lavatory...." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83811 Wed, 31 Aug 2011 11:24:06 +0000 beau-jolly 83811@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>When I get drunk with old school chums we fall about laughing telling just the punch lines of old jokes. It saves a lot of valuable drinking time.<br /> Two firm favourites are:<br /> "I'm not a real plumber you know"<br /> and<br /> "Don't just stand there, stick another pig on the end." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83799 Wed, 31 Aug 2011 09:19:06 +0000 charlies_hat 83799@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>VCG :<br /> It's a definite fave in the CH house - I'm sure my kids teachers are pleased with me...</p> <p>Another favourite in CH towers:</p> <p>Why did the baker have brown fingers?<br /> Becuase he kneaded a poo.</p> <p>(kind of one of those that has to be told rather than read...) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83710 Tue, 30 Aug 2011 12:27:03 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 83710@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Charlie, that 'Knock knock - who's there? - I dunnup.....' one has kept me amused for days.</p> <p>I've also told it to several other people who should be old enough not to find it as funny as they did. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83602 Sun, 28 Aug 2011 20:22:59 +0000 the coarse whisperer 83602@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I do not understand the hilarity of poo, a perfectly commonplace bodily function. Whereas the selectivity of the tight junctions between endothelial cells in CNS vessels restricting the passage of solutes cracks me up every time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83580 Sun, 28 Aug 2011 14:05:39 +0000 arthurminnit 83580@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>why do elephants paint their toenails red? so they can hide in cherry trees.</p> <p>why do the animals leave the jungle at 4 oclock? thats when the elephants jump down from the cherry trees.</p> <p>why do cobras have flat necks? they dont leave the jungle at 4 oclock.</p> <p>whats white and lives up a tree? a fridge.</p> <p>whats white and falls out of a tree? a dead fridge.</p> <p>if you have one green ball in your left hand, and one green ball in your right hand, what do you have?</p> <p>the incredible hulk at your mercy.</p> <p>what do you call a deaf eskimo? anything you want, he cant hear you!</p> <p>sadly, i never progressed beyond this level of humour.<br /> however it DOES mean that i would laugh at a dog having a shit. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83495 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 19:28:01 +0000 The All New Jeni B 83495@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As a borderline Dyslexic, with Dyscalculia and Dyspraxia thrown in, I find Dyslexic jokes hysterical.</p> <p>Did you hear about the Dyslexic Anorexic? She choked on her own vimto.</p> <p>Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse.</p> <p>Did you hear about the Dyslexic agnostic? He wasn't sure if there really was a dog.</p> <p>I'll get me cote </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538&page=2#post-83490 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 16:43:37 +0000 bonjonelson 83490@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>And additionally:</p> <p>A man goes into a bakers and asks for a loaf of bread. "Sorry", says the baker, "we only have wholemeal"</p> <p>"That's ok", says the man, "I've left my bicycle outside". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83489 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 16:37:51 +0000 bonjonelson 83489@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>At school our favourite surreal joke was</p> <p>"What's the difference between a duck? One of it's legs are both the same." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83487 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 16:32:19 +0000 thisisall1word 83487@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>what did the pervy male cateripller say to the lovely lady caterpiller that walked past him?<br /> There goes a lovely pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of leg, pair of legs, pair of leg, pair of legs, pair of leg, etc...</p> <p>From (I think) the awesome Ha Ha Bonk joke book;<br /> <a href="http://www.penguin.co.uk/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9780140314120,00.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.penguin.co.uk/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9780140314120,00.html</a></p> <p>How many people had that and how many still use it as source material for this site? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83435 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 12:08:53 +0000 charlies_hat 83435@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Actually - looking at the start of this string - most of us are still at the giggling at the word "poo" stage aren't we?</p> <p>(poo and wee in one sentence - I thank you). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83383 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 08:57:05 +0000 The All New Jeni B 83383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What do you call a blind dinosaur?</p> <p>A Doyouthinkhesaurus. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83382 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 08:56:49 +0000 fernandomando 83382@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What's the difference between an elephant's backside and a postbox?<br /> I don't know.<br /> That's the last time I send you to post my mail.</p> <p>What's the difference between an elephant's backside and a postbox?<br /> I don't know.<br /> That's the last time I send you to put letters in an elephant's backside. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83379 Fri, 26 Aug 2011 08:45:55 +0000 Oxbridge 83379@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What do you call an elephant with a hangover and a machine gun?</p> <p>Sir. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83253 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 09:46:40 +0000 charlies_hat 83253@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Favourites of mine (and recently passed down from Father to Son as part of traditional ceremony) :</p> <p>Knock knock - who's there? - I dunnup.....</p> <p>Why do girls wear make up and perfume? - because they're ugly and they smell. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83129 Wed, 24 Aug 2011 07:51:57 +0000 andhrimnir 83129@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@Fernandomando - you describe an evolution of the original. Which, of course, was the sale of a horse and trap to a man of the cloth by an embarrassed villager who had taught it to stop with "Amen" and go with "Jesus, Mary and Joseph". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83117 Wed, 24 Aug 2011 00:46:16 +0000 fernandomando 83117@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Another joke I remember was the very contrived voice operated motorbike that had the unwise controls of 'shit' to brake, and 'fucking hell, that was close' to accelerate. From such a desperate premise, the joke wrote itself. The middle aged man, in the midst of a mid life crisis would go riding his machine with stupid voice controls, only to forget himself, panic, brake inadvertently and just in time, and then provide an expletive filled commentary of his near death escape that sadly caused the motorbike to accelerate wildly over the edge of the cliff.</p> <p>Looking back, the choice of acceleration phrase was unrealistic, and was no more than an extremely poor attempt to set up the punchline from the beginning. But we were children and swear words were cool. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83116 Wed, 24 Aug 2011 00:35:58 +0000 fernandomando 83116@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I have always been an admirer of a slightly surreal absurd style of humour that could be both inane and magnificently funny, depending on the audience. I made up a joke when I was about 9:</p> <p>Why wouldn't the gate open?<br /> Because Farmer Giles's head was cut off. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83050 Tue, 23 Aug 2011 16:08:11 +0000 The All New Jeni B 83050@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £20.<br /> Is that too dear?</p> <p>What do you call a deer with no eyes?<br /> No eyedeer</p> <p>What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?<br /> Still no eyedeer. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83045 Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:40:33 +0000 andhrimnir 83045@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Three chaps captured by natives<br /> ramble ramble<br /> given the choice of firing squad or "mawumba"<br /> first chap asks what "mawumba" is - ramble ramble and so chooses firing squad over a good rogering<br /> second chap etc etc<br /> third chap decides that "mawumba" can't be that bad and given his mates are now dead nobody will ever know ramble ramble<br /> ....and the chief stands up and pronounces "Death by Mawumba". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83044 Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:28:21 +0000 button 83044@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Here's one we used to like to say to the girls at school:</p> <p>Young Button: "I dreamt about you last night"<br /> Lovely lady: "Did you..?"<br /> Young Button: "No, you wouldn't let me"</p> <p>And another cracker from the playround:</p> <p>Young Button "Have you ever been caught sniffing your mum's knickers?"<br /> Unsuspecting victim "NO"<br /> Young Button "You must be good at it then!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83042 Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:24:37 +0000 button 83042@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I have another joke with the same punchline:</p> <p>Q. What do vegitarian worms eat?</p> <p>A. Linda McCartney </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83036 Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:43:24 +0000 brownpaperreporter 83036@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>@Mr Stanton - Linda McCartney </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83031 Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:07:24 +0000 Oxbridge 83031@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What's white and crawls up your leg?<br /> Homesick sh*t.</p> <p>Made me giggle when Andrew Brown told me it at St John the Baptist Junior School in about 1972 and still does. He was later apparently cashiered out of the army for threatening his commanding officer with a gun. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29538#post-83022 Tue, 23 Aug 2011 13:05:35 +0000 Gary Stanton 83022@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>What d'you call a dog with wings? </p>