http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2440 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 22:03:58 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2440#post-7221 Mon, 12 Apr 2010 22:14:27 +0000 Anon_Mouse 7221@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>‘Where the fuck have you been and what the fuck do you think you’re doing?’ The benefits of a pint of bitter shandy and a steak and mushroom pie shared with a quietly simmering trained killer turned to indigestion-inducing dust in my stomach as I got to campaign HQ to be faced by a rather salty and really rather personal outburst from the self-effacing student doing some work experience for their politics thesis. I gave him a withering stare. ‘Now don’t start crying on me, you big baby’ was the response.<br /> I took Campaign Manager Les, and the local Chairman aside to have a word about the attitude of the support team, and it seems I might have got a bit confused about the hierarchy around here. From what I could gather there may have been some job title inflation. Les, the Campaign Manager, is basically the campaign driver but he’s not getting paid, and he likes to wear a tie, so they called him Campaign Manager. But the guy who’s going to be telling me what to do on a daily basis is this spotty young Sebastian, who apparently is a PhD in political theory and is using the title Campaign Guru. Mavis who brings me my cuppa is apparently Tea Tsar, and the chatty middle-aged lady who answers the phone is Reception Titan. I already seem to be known by a variety of names, and you can tell they’re referring to me as it’s always followed by a long weary sigh and eye rolling.<br /> But anyway, I was being harangued by a pubescent Mandelson for making rookie errors, and not picking up calls or emails on my mobile. I think this is what they mean when they talk about being off-message in the papers, but really if they’d wanted me to be in touch all the time couldn’t they have got me an iPhone? Then I’d happily have been led around by it like those people on The Apprentice, making those big career-changing decisions about how best to market home-made jam to the consumers of Whitstable, or whatever half-arsed task they’ve been sent on. I’d quite enjoy talking at a phone held three foot from my face while making faces to Les if I could be playing that new Psycho Tweetybird game app at the same time. Apparently the main thing I missed in my absence is a briefing on the contents of the party manifesto, and I’m genuinely gutted, because now it means I’m going to have to read the cursed thing itself - it’s about the size of an Argos catalogue, but without the lingering possibility of seeing a glimpse of naked lady arse on the pages for home sunbeds or electric showers.<br /> Apparently I have to be au fait with the contents by first thing tomorrow, and so far I can’t get over the cover, which looks like an idealised picture from a public safety leaflet on what to do in the event of a nuclear war showing the cheerful future of Britain after we emerge victoriously from beneath our under the stairs makeshift bunkers following four weeks living on tinned corned beef and Carnation milk. Still, best try get a grip on the basics, as apparently so far I’ve not being doing enough to get out and meet the voting public outside the snug in the Wetherspoons, and canvassing starts in earnest at the ungodly hour of 10 am in the morning. I wonder if we’re offering a 30 day money back guarantee? </p>