http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 18 May 2013 18:30:35 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6612 Fri, 09 Apr 2010 00:41:19 +0000 Quaz 6612@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You could try<br /> "Sorry to disturb your hymns, but can you smell sh*t?"</p> <p>It's a friendly yet practical conversation opener and might later shame them into either wiping their feet or their asses properly. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6589 Thu, 08 Apr 2010 21:32:57 +0000 smyke 6589@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sighing loudly? Good Grief, no. I pretended that I hadn't noticed a thing. And, of course, I hadn't. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6554 Thu, 08 Apr 2010 19:08:13 +0000 The All New Jeni B 6554@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Did you do that terribly British thing of sighing loudly but saying nothing?</p> <p>If it were America, no one would stand for it, and rightly so. </p> <p>For the record, I'd have said nothing either, and then at some point the red mist would descend and I'd have ended up stabbing them all with the little plastic stirry-thing from my coffee.</p> <p>(Why have "No Hymn Singing" carriages not been introduced yet?) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6552 Thu, 08 Apr 2010 18:56:55 +0000 smyke 6552@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yesterday morning I headed to London by train and, having boarded, found myself the perfect spot with a table and a powerpoint. I flipped open my laptop and started work.</p> <p>At the next station the doors zizzed open and in piled two chubby mummies, a skinny daddy, four kids and a distinct smell of shit.</p> <p>They flopped down on the seats opposite and then I heard the dreaded words, "We'd better do something about it now."</p> <p>Fast-forward a couple of minutes, and this strange band - who by now had revealed themselves to be American visitors all the way from California - settled back and did what I can only describe as the uptight English commuter's worst nightmare.</p> <p>They started singing hymns.</p> <p>It can only have been a very elaborate wind-up. So which one of you was it? Own up. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6522 Thu, 08 Apr 2010 13:54:39 +0000 virtuallywill 6522@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'll have a Tizer at work, and raise a plastic cup. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6520 Thu, 08 Apr 2010 13:52:02 +0000 Mary Evans 6520@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Enough said. We'll raise some fizzy pop to you. Or organic cranberry juice. This is Surrey after all. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6519 Thu, 08 Apr 2010 13:30:03 +0000 virtuallywill 6519@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It is a lovely offer Mary, though It is my weekend in work, on Sunday I am the only Photolithography Equipment cover, and I think you know what that is like. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6514 Thu, 08 Apr 2010 13:14:05 +0000 Mary Evans 6514@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bless you Will - had a good old pukey night with her, but she's woken up with the appetite of Jabba the Hutt's love-child, so she's clearly on the mend. Young Master Mary seems fine and touch wood so are we, so all being well, it'll be cupcakes and bouncy castle on Sunday as planned... You're very welcome if you fancy a ham and dairylea butty? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6508 Thu, 08 Apr 2010 12:53:00 +0000 virtuallywill 6508@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Better today Mary?, will the birthday party go ahead? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6375 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 18:28:44 +0000 AdrianJ 6375@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Incidentally, what is it about Thomas that brings out the worst in parents? Many years ago, while escorting my two progeny around a meet Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends event in the Forest of Dean, an irate fellow parent actually invited me to accompany him, "outside now!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6370 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 18:10:53 +0000 AdrianJ 6370@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>If I may proffer my own suggestion for wreaking your revenge?</p> <p>Viruses do have a nasty habit of mutating, so after a brief sojourn in your poor daughter's lower gastrointestinal tract, there's a fair chance that Mrs. Inconsiderate and her precious offspring will be susceptible to infection once more.</p> <p>Just keep a few "samples" in a nice warm and moist place, then simply administer a fresh dose to your nemesis, when she pops round for coffee on Friday. You can then relax, sit back, and enjoy the Diocalm before the storm. Keep it up for long enough and you might even earn yourself a nice new epithet: "Norovirus Mary".</p> <p>If that all sounds like far too much effort, you could always resort to simply sneezing on her cupcakes to make her pregnant too.</p> <p>In the mean time, I hope the all the Mini-Marys get well soon. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6366 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 18:00:37 +0000 virtuallywill 6366@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I'm a father of 5, It's never too late to wipe down handles and taps.<br /> Would "My children are ill and I think your ill advised trip is to blame" suffice, wear your suicidal tendencies skate t-shirt when you tell her.... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6363 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 17:55:33 +0000 Mary Evans 6363@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks Jen - I love having Scottish mafioso mates. And there's little worth watching in my lap these days. This great big fat bird has sat down on it and refuses to leave.<br /> I'm not sure what Thomas is getting in that photo, Will, but not entirely sure it's the squits... And you're right. I should decontaminate the house, although after spending an hour at lunchtime knee-deep in kiddie vom, I suspect any damage may well already have been done. LMM has kept down a bit of water and has gone back to bed, without even giving a thought to her nightly Scotch, so hopefully she will feel better in the morning.<br /> But how to couch this matter with my 'friend'? Do you think a vomit-soaked brick through her window might be interpreted as a little hostile? Or should I just trash her on the Surrey dinner party circuit? I could tell everyone that her beef bourguignon is actually ready-made from Waitrose - that would be social suicide round here... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6362 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 17:45:19 +0000 virtuallywill 6362@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A screenshot from Thomas gets the squits....<br /> <img src="http://www.moonbattery.com/Thomas-the-tank-en_1432699c.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123&page=2#post-6361 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 17:42:57 +0000 virtuallywill 6361@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mary,<br /> have you wiped everything in the house with anti-bacterial liquid... handles, taps, cups, children, pets, carpet, shotgun (It gets the prints off as well) and all those fucking nauseating Thomas dvds/videos. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6355 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 17:34:07 +0000 The All New Jeni B 6355@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Right, this thoughtless, selfish mother. I've told you before, just send her address and a recent photo to me, and I'll pour puke through her letter box, and leave disease ridden shit in her kitchen.</p> <p>What a cow! I do hope that you will be telling her what has happened, and point out the health implications of a pregnant woman being in close proximity to this virus.<br /> And then nut her. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6342 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:32:24 +0000 The All New Jeni B 6342@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Will come back to you about the bitch mother from hell, but am sooo impressed that you can use your lap as VDU.</p> <p>How cool are you?!<br /> x </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6341 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:23:13 +0000 Mary Evans 6341@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bless you gang. Stoopy - what an ungrateful cow, I hope you gobbed in her tea.<br /> Thanks Sauce, I managed to get hold of the doc, who was more than happy to proffer some helpful advice, thanked me for not bringing the bug to the surgery and said she'd call back tomorrow to see how we were.<br /> Ta Scroaty - she's a tough old bird, she'll be fine - has responded to the whole business by falling asleep all afternoon, which is the best thing for her. Young Master Mary was a little traumatised by watching his little sister perform her exorcist routine, so has retreated to watching The Incredibles on Mummy's lap, occasionally asking how Little Miss made fishfingers come out of her nose.<br /> Will be speaking to plague-bearing mother. Possibly with my daughter projectile vomiting at her as I do so.<br /> You have all been wonderful. I thank you. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6337 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:05:49 +0000 Scroat 6337@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mary. Hang on in there. Keep the fluids up if you can. If not seek advice. </p> <p>Once they start to get better they pick up very quickly, but you know this already. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6334 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 14:59:09 +0000 sauce 6334@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mary, you should be able to get advice from the nurses on NHS direct; much more helpful than fecking receptionists who think it's their job to deter patients. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6332 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 14:57:46 +0000 StoopyDeGunt 6332@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mary,</p> <p>Hell is other mothers.</p> <p>I got funny looks once, just because I didn't wash my hands after changing a nappy.<br /> And the silly cow didn't touch the sandwich I'd just made her.</p> <p>I think some people just like complaining. </p> <p>Do you think feminism has gone too far? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6325 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 14:41:47 +0000 Oxbridge 6325@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I may have done this one at the time but WTF.</p> <p>Many moons ago, when Mrs Oxy and I still lived in the land of Competitive Mums, there were loads of the little hens clucking around the headmaster at my daughter's, then my son's, infant school. He was a screaming Friend of Dorothy, BTW; it was the aura of power around him, I suppose. He certainly loved his little in crowd. We didn't get involved, so our children passed through the school without being noticed.</p> <p>Anyway, at the end of school performance for Master Oxy, who as usual was playing the third spear carrier from the left, one of the darling darling ladies got her son up at the end to present the head with his large showy present while all the others fumed and tossed their expensively crimped hair jealously. </p> <p>Only on the way home did we remember that said son was (a) three years gone from that school, (b) off school from the juniors because (c) he had Bird Flu. Stupid f*****g cow, f******g exposing 100 or so children and adults to f******g Bird Flu so she could show off how 'in' she was FFS.</p> <p>Kill 'em all, I say. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6321 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 13:19:24 +0000 Mary Evans 6321@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bless you Dr Simon. And judging by the Jnr tag, obviously the doctors are getting younger... I'll steer a course for the downstairs loo, trying to avoid the hall carpet and low-lying shoes.<br /> Thanks to the kind majority of you who have tolerated my temporarily turning the site into mumsnet. And for those who haven't, you are of course quite right, this is a place for comedy contributions. I look forward to your first ones. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6319 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 13:13:15 +0000 simonjmr 6319@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Try and get a telephone consultation and see if the quack will proscribe anti-nausea tablets for the little un. But probably the doc will say they are too young and you just have to sail through the storm of poop and vom. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6314 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:59:09 +0000 fun and games 6314@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Very good Stanley. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6313 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:57:59 +0000 Mary Evans 6313@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It's feeling very over-rated currently, Stanny...<br /> The world has gone mad. I was due to take the febrile and poorly Little Miss M to the docs later, but now I know the source of her under-weatherness, I shall keep her germs at home. I just called my GP surgery to say that I will cancel the appointment so I don't spread a vomiting virus around a roomful of already sick people, but could the doc give me a quick call just to check I'm doing the right things to keep her hydrated etc as she can't even keep water down currently. The shit-for-brains receptionist told me that if i want a doctor's advice, I'd need to make an appointment and come to the surgery myself.<br /> Bloody hell, I picked the wrong trimester to quit drinking. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6310 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:52:28 +0000 Stan Laurel 6310@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Personally, I think Thomas the Tank Engine is highly over rated. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6307 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:44:53 +0000 Zadok the second 6307@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The act is bad enough, but the comparison with her earlier actions really puts her in the category of heinous hypocrites. Much sympathy Mary. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6303 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:34:59 +0000 Scroat 6303@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Never had this type of experience Mary, but other kids' parents were always a source of consternation for me. And it gets worse when they're teenagers and start pushing the boundaries. Different parents have different rules, and some seem to have none whatsoever.</p> <p>For practical reasons I'd keep your distance from the offending parent - simply because of the germs. See a doctor BTW? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2123#post-6301 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:25:24 +0000 fernandomando 6301@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You have a phone you can put in the car? And you can afford utterly butterly? How the other half live </p>