http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238 The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Tue, 18 Jun 2013 08:01:49 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-57819 Thu, 17 Feb 2011 10:46:53 +0000 editor 57819@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is a strong satirical idea but needs a rewrite - any one fancy having a go? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54580 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 19:53:22 +0000 euanc 54580@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I believe Capt Mannering's banker's bonus may be in jeopardy if he were to participate. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54569 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 17:47:40 +0000 4ty2 54569@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>where's dad's army? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54561 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 16:08:30 +0000 euanc 54561@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In the theatre of war a surgical operation can cut out the cancer of insurgency. Only now you'll be able to choose, SAS, Securicor, or Neighbourhood Watch? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54553 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:57:25 +0000 4ty2 54553@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought this was about going privat. I could get the leak in my head fixed choosing a military operation. Perhaps we should do that in a seperate sub.5stars just for the confusing headline </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20238#post-54538 Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:36:32 +0000 euanc 54538@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The model for NHS reforms, under which consumers of the service will be given control of the budgets, is to be extended to the Ministry of Defence. From as early as 2013 countries in need of liberty, freedom and democracy will no longer have these changes delivered by an invading force. Instead they will be provided with the finance needed to purchase liberation services from whatever source provides the best value.<br /> “We believe that providing choice for the people actually consuming these services is the right way forward,” said a government spokesperson, “Throughout the Labour government we saw examples of waste, bureaucracy and inefficiency in the armed forces. A lack of control of costs, poor equipment and mistakes in deployment were all the result of a centralised, command and control approach. Change is needed and we believe that placing the decision in the hands of consumers and introducing a competitive element into the procurement of invasions is the right solution at the right time.”<br /> General Sir Huge Witting-Fernleystall said “ We have the finest soldiers in the world and are confident that we can compete to provide invasion services wherever that they are needed.”<br /> We understand that within 12 months a website will be set up enabling countries to apply on line for support. “The process will be quick simple and efficient. All of the bureaucrats in the Ministry of Defence will be replaced by a short questionnaire, just like applying for a loan. An offer will be made immediately and, if accepted, the applicant’s account will be credited with the agreed sum (up to a maximum of £30bn) within 3 days.”<br /> We understand that the applicant’s details will be passed to the Chief of Staff of the Armed Services who will make contact, initially by phone, to discuss their requirements. The applicant is expected to be free to seek competitive tenders from other providers and it is believed that organisations as far afield as Italy and Columbia may be interested in the new business opportunities.<br /> “This breaks new ground and shows the coalition’s determination to stop at nothing to modernise the provision of public services,” the spokesperson explained.<br /> It is understood that a new regulating authority (OFWAR) will be set up to monitor the use of the finance provided. Countries who, following the allocation of a grant, fail to achieve targets for liberation and democracy will be issued with a notice to improve and their Ambassadors in the UK will not be invited to Buckingham Palace garden parties until there has been a satisfactory follow up inspection.<br /> A man in a funny hat sitting on a rock in Afghanistan said “We very much welcome the UK Government’s innovative proposals and look forward to receiving the money. Just mind that trip wire as you are leaving” </p>