http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=women The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 20 Jun 2013 02:23:28 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182048 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 20:00:17 +0000 Psycadelic Squirrel 182048@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yep nice one Mary </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182043 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 19:39:30 +0000 Wrenfoe 182043@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good story Mary. A *wave* if you are a newbie. A *slap in the face* if you are one of the old lags hiding under an alt. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182042 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 19:32:25 +0000 FlashArry 182042@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Like the style and tone - welcome aboard ! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182035 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 18:03:20 +0000 Lindy Moone 182035@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good on you for tackling this. It's obviously not an easy subject to make funny, but well worth satirizing. The totally serious tone works for me.</p> <p>BTW, I'm curious to know why you chose your name. Or have you risen from a watery grave? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62508#post-182031 Thu, 13 Jun 2013 17:34:14 +0000 MaryJoKopechne 182031@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An abortion clinic and pregnancy crisis centre has been told it must do more to diversify its clientele or risk losing its funding. The centre, based in Cambridge, has been given two months by the local council to attract patrons from underrepresented groups, such as the elderly, lesbian women, and men. If the clinic fails to improve, the council have warned they may withdraw public funding, as a result of failing to meet equality targets set last September for all bodies receiving financial support from local government.</p> <p>Marline Swinn, the clinic’s director, has said she intends to appeal the council’s decision, while admitting that “very few of our clients are lesbian, and we have not treated a man during the eighteen years I have been working here.” Her staff “believe strongly in non-discrimination and would never turn away anyone who contacts us” but “should not be blamed” for the lack of diversity among their clientele, Swinn said. </p> <p>Figures released by Cambridge city council show that well over 95% of those using the clinic last year were women aged between 16 and 50, while this group represents less than 30% of persons resident in the city.</p> <p>Joan King, the Equality Officer for Cambridge city council, said these figures suggest room for improvement, in a statement released yesterday. “While we do not expect every publicly-funded service to attract exactly the same sorts of people, groups who are clearly only attracting patrons from one section of the community must do more to diversify their clientele. The council has a legal duty to ensure non-discrimination in all services to which it provides a grant. A service which largely or wholly only attracts young, heterosexual women obviously is not doing enough to justify receiving council money, and must work to improve its appeal to all groups in the community.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62032#post-180603 Mon, 03 Jun 2013 17:15:56 +0000 Midfield Diamond 180603@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brilliant last line in particular. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62032#post-180601 Mon, 03 Jun 2013 17:10:28 +0000 Lindy Moone 180601@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>cling film! (not the microwaveable kind)<br /> no excuses. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62032#post-180581 Mon, 03 Jun 2013 14:48:09 +0000 Dr.Gav 180581@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Following Michael Douglas' recent comment that his throat cancer was caused by oral sex rather than smoking and drinking, as is usually the case, women everywhere fear that the "Goodey/Jolie effect" might come back to bite them as men avoid what is now a high risk strategy.<br /> Jen Hallacy of Burnley said "My husband is pretty crap at it anyway, but at least he pretended to try. Now he has an excuse not to drink from my furry cup ever again!"<br /> For many men, Michael Douglas is a hero and many of the characters he has played are revered and often quoted by the masculine masses. Already men have taken his words to be advice that must be followed, such as Sean Doherty of London who contacted us to state "I haven't eaten lunch since Gordon Gecko told me it was for wimps, so I won't be dining there in the future either, I have heard throat cancer is pretty bad. As a bonus, this justifies me drinking as much neat whiskey and smoking as many cigars as I like!"<br /> In related news, shares in Ann Summers rocketed this morning. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55235#post-159755 Fri, 25 Jan 2013 13:13:07 +0000 dvo4fun 159755@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Perhaps a funny headline as well but then as Ar suggests text just needs slapping about a bit to get into shape.</p> <p>"Jane! Get your arse over here luv, there's a dear. Bring your nunchucks and a tippex pen; there's something wants sorting out!" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55235#post-159746 Fri, 25 Jan 2013 12:09:02 +0000 AReader 159746@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I thought this was funny, if badly paragraphed </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55235#post-159586 Thu, 24 Jan 2013 11:44:43 +0000 Codec 159586@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The announcement that the US is to allow women to become front line combat ready troops, has sent a shiver around the worlds armed forces.</p> <p>"It's not that we won't fight them" a representative from the Taliban voiced, "its the game changer that this introduces".</p> <p>The idea of long stony silences across the trenches. The concept that they have no idea quite what we've done wrong, but that faint air of worry that maybe it is their fault that seems to have them worried.</p> <p>Negotiations will be far more difficult too. The request to withdraw being greeted by a resigned "FINE, whatever" is surely enough to unsettle even the most hardened terrorist force.<br /> "If they don't know what they've done wrong, I'm certainly not going to tell them" said an unnamed GI Jane, "by the way, does this rocket launcher make my bum look big?"</p> <p>Offsetting this is the nightmare it will force on the logistical chain.<br /> "I can NOT be seen to be going into battle to kill and maim wearing the same outfit as Jean, and anyway sandy brown just doesn't go with my eyes"<br /> The military are looking into forming what is initially being called a "Department of Accessorisation" to work around the biggest of these issues.</p> <p>This is all without the obvious threat of a battalion of synchronised PMT women going on the offensive, enough to make the most battle hardened army quail. </p> <p>Other armed force are watching development with interest, and not a little trepidation. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152923 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 18:41:38 +0000 dvo4fun 152923@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have some stars Oxy for some genuine laughs. Not that this relates to my own family you understand - wanted to make that quite clear </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152895 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:21:51 +0000 riesler 152895@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My MIL did things like this but it turned out to be early signs of Alzheimers. Just thought I'd share. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152894 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:18:51 +0000 Oxbridge 152894@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah, I was having a stroke, hence Little Mix playing netball. Corrections noted, ta. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152892 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:11:17 +0000 Perks 152892@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>NB being used as therapy again!</p> <p>Double check first para, asda this wife? And identified as her mother </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152891 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:10:18 +0000 waylandsmithy 152891@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>According to sources close to your wife, who have just been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is 40% off in Asda this wife.</blockquote></p> <p>Are you having a stroke? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152890 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:03:08 +0000 Oxbridge 152890@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>According to a source close to your wife, who has just been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is 40% off in Asda this week. The news emerged in a phone call that woke you from a dream about Little Mix playing netball at two minutes past six this morning, for fuck's sake.</p> <p>'She just found the ads from the local paper last week and wanted us to know,' sighed your wife. Reports suggest that your wife is now in a bit of a bind because she does agree that her mother should stop phoning at the crack of bloody dawn and wouldn't have minded another half-hour in bed herself but is also honour-bound to take the side of anyone you slag off.</p> <p>Analysts now agree that there is growing tension between the part of you that wants to say her sodding mother has been to your town seven times this year - and trust you, you have counted - and she should know there isn't a bastard Asda for miles around and the part that is inclined to shut up and just avoid getting the relationship lecture yet again. The likelihood of this conflict erupting with potentially catastrophic consequences has been exacerbated in the last few seconds by your wife's retort that she knows you've never liked her mother. </p> <p>You have sensed that saying 'Yes, I told you that myself' is a trap but saying you might as well make some tea then in an aggrieved manner so as to avoid losing the battle while also leaving a silent-but-deadly as you exit the room, is not a viable exit strategy, especially given that your wife's last boyfriend would have got up and made the sodding tea already actually. He's a surgeon now, earning a fortune.</p> <p>At press time, it remained unclear as to whether you would press your temporary moral advantage home at the risk of seeing if your wife really meant that she doesn't want you to go to her mother's at Christmas. Weighing up eating at someone else's expense and going to a match on Boxing Day match against not having to look over your shoulder while using the PC for three full days may need to be outsourced to a consultant. </p> <p>'We don't even eat Lurpak,' you add on your way downstairs. 'Fucking hell.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46214#post-133043 Tue, 31 Jul 2012 17:59:13 +0000 medici2471 133043@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Come down off that ledge Oxbridge, you'll find love again...</p> <p>A friend of mine got divorced recently, the house was split 50/50, he got the outside... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46214#post-133012 Tue, 31 Jul 2012 12:34:33 +0000 Oxbridge 133012@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Psychiatrists up and down Britain are rolling their eyes in disbelief after a married couple from Swindon, Peter and Sophie Davison, sought guidance because of a sudden crisis in their 11-year marriage. Many have been staggered to learn that the pair expect not to be locked into a downward spiral of mutual loathing after spending such an unnatural length of time together.</p> <p>‘I can’t quite put my finger on why, but things haven’t been going well between us for some time,’ said the manifestly mad Peter Davison, who nonetheless holds down a job as a senior executive at a software firm. ‘It’s somehow just not like it used to be when we first got together,’ he added, to bitter snorts of derision from everyone.</p> <p>The couple first met at the University of Lancaster in 2004, carried on seeing each other after graduation and married in 2008 because they had no compelling reason to break up. For some unfathomable reason, neither has yet grasped that men and women are incompatible and only meant to tolerate each other for long enough to procreate, which, mercifully, they have not yet done.</p> <p>‘I sometimes feel Paul takes me for granted,’ complained Sophie, who has failed to draw any obvious lessons from her preferences for spa weekends and shopping and his for golf and computer games. ‘We scarcely make love once a month,’ she added, blissfully unaware that that’s mainly because he doesn’t want to get caught screaming out her sister’s name (Julia).</p> <p>Leading marital therapist Dr Julian Bates added that he is seeing an increasing number of couples pissing their hard-earned up a tree by coming to him in a vain attempt to defy nature. ‘Because of our ludicrously elevated expectations, we refuse to live lives of barely repressed resentment like our parents,’ he said. ‘Then again, I’ve got two gold-digging ex-wives to pay for, so by all means bring ‘em on.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131196 Thu, 19 Jul 2012 08:23:25 +0000 Oxbridge 131196@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thank you, kind sirs. The odd bits are all real quotes from the book, garnered from the web because I'm not that mad. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131114 Wed, 18 Jul 2012 18:15:33 +0000 pinxit 131114@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A gem, sir. Lots of 'em ***** </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131103 Wed, 18 Jul 2012 15:50:09 +0000 beau-jolly 131103@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I guess you have to read it to be a critic. I read that Dan Brown one quickly and felt insulted and I have read some of Archer's output and felt equally dirty.<br /> Our barmaid is currently blushing and gushing through this one so we get regular updates and it saves me from reading it.<br /> Like the cut of your jib though. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131099 Wed, 18 Jul 2012 15:25:23 +0000 dvo4fun 131099@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Haven't read the work m'self Oxy. Some lovely lines in here. In particular</p> <p>"an inexplicably popular take on Jane Austen, only with nipple clamps in place of literary merit. </p> <p>"Wendy Shapland, a 42-year-old waste of carbon from Surrey. "</p> <p>" may not be about to pop round to their garden shed later this evening carrying a cup of tea and a riding crop, [though a virgin virgin in this para]"</p> <p>Have a bunch of fives </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45551#post-131089 Wed, 18 Jul 2012 15:01:27 +0000 Oxbridge 131089@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The government is concerned that large numbers of ostensibly sane adults are devoting too much time on the internet arguing about '50 Shades of Grey', an inexplicably popular take on Jane Austen, only with nipple clamps in place of literary merit. Meanwhile, many slightly pervy people are also concerned that the novel's runaway success in Middle England may mean that they never get insulted by the Daily Mail again.</p> <p>'I welcome the sudden discovery by large number of people that they can buy and even read the items of printed text often referred to in the trade as 'books', said Health Minister Andrew Lansley. 'However, if the frustrated marketing assistants of Britain are all being distracted from their work by the inane fantasy of a mysterious handsome kinky billionaire making butterflies flood their bellies, we have to act.'</p> <p>Quivering moist messses up and down the land said they were indignant at Lansley's comments. 'My inner goddess did a mergengue with some salsa moves when I heard what he said,' said Wendy Shapland, a 42-year-old waste of carbon from Surrey. 'How dare some jumped-up MP, who's probably toast at the next reshuffle and who doesn't even have his own Red Room of Pain tell me what I can and can't have?'</p> <p>Some balding middle-aged men have also reacted angrily to the idea that an attractive blonde 22-year old virgin virgin who doesn't know how attractive she really is may not be about to pop round to their garden shed later this evening carrying a cup of tea and a riding crop, her insides practically contorted with needy, liquid desire, whatever that is. However, the official advice stands.</p> <p>'Now look at me, young lady,' said Lansley, as the electorate stared deep into his smouldering grey gaze. 'This is not a blueprint for your tedious life and I am not, repeat not, your own Andrew Lansley-flavoured popsicle. It is intolerable in the deepest economic crisis of modern times that a whole country should be distracted by a piece of third rate fiction from the fact that they are still being robbed blind by sociopaths in suits called bankers ... ah, hang on a minute...'</p> <p>[Digitally remastered] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=45243#post-129840 Wed, 11 Jul 2012 20:22:17 +0000 cuckoowatoo 129840@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>It has today been revealed that the much loved book “Fifty Shades of Total Utter Mindless Tripe’ has become the fasted selling and best selling e-book of all time. </p> <p>The success of the e-book has been attributed to the fact that women can now enjoy Total Utter Mindless Tripe in a much more discreet way. It transpires that women have been besotted with Total Utter Mindless Tripe for many years, but only now, with the help of modern technology, have the opportunity to engage in their interest fully.</p> <p>Despite the taboo surrounding womens' love for ‘Total Utter Mindless Tripe’, many women are starting to talk about it openly. Breaking down these barriers has meant that the physical sales of the book have overtaken Harry Potter and The Da Vinci Code (the latter being another well known form of Total Utter Mindless Tripe). Women are now openly raving about their love for ‘Total Utter Mindless Tripe” all over Social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook – apparently with no shame at all. </p> <p>The Author, now a multi-millionaire, has also published two other books, which together with “Fifty Shades of Total Utter Mindless Tripe” form a Trilogy. The books are called “Fifty Shades of An Insult To Your Intelligence” and “Fifty Shades of Get A F-ing Life!” also now available in e-reader and in a bookshops nationwide. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44345#post-126900 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 15:50:01 +0000 JonnyJP 126900@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Greeeeeeeat </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44345#post-126856 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 09:32:16 +0000 Oxbridge 126856@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Marwan al-Shehhi, who flew United Airline Flight 175 into Two World Trade Centre on 9/11, has expressed his increasing discontent over the conduct of his 72 virgins in paradise. According to the Abu Dhabi-born terrorist, over 60 of his nubile harem are now complaining that he does not 'give enough time to the relationship'.</p> <p>'I hate to make a fuss,' said al-Shehhi, 'as my reward in heaven has been exactly what was promised by the blessed prophet, upon whom be peace. However, I would say that the Holy Qu'ran might have spelled out some of the details a bit more clearly. They're all gorgeous, of course, but, never having met a woman on Earth, I didn't realise how they moan all the bloody time.'</p> <p>Unfortunately for the al-Qaeda martyrs, it has emerged that the personalities of deceased souls do continue to develop, even if their hymens miraculously regenerate themselves. Consequently, in al-Shehhi's case, 27 of his virgins are dissatisfied with the state of the house, 21 repeatedly switch off the TV when camel racing is on, 18 have stopped speaking to each other and the rest are gossiping over sherbet and figs about al-Shehhi's inadequate love-making on the five occasions per year that it is their turn.</p> <p>'You think I died at 20, untainted by the touch of a man, for this?' said Khalida, a doe-eyed brunette from beneath a burqa, her sultry ankles bathed in ethereal light. 'Honestly, he is SO insensitive. And as for the state of the perfumed garden, don't even go there. I tried to tell him to tidy it up, but he keeps hiding in the shed pretending to be making a model cluster bomb.'</p> <p>After nearly 11 years of increasingly futile attempts to please his needy harem, al-Shehhi is casting furtive glances at the nearby cloud of Khalid al-Midhar, aSaudi who was consumed in the fireball of American Airlines Flight 77 in the Pentagon. 'His favourite virgin Fatima seems really sweet,' said al-Shehhi. 'Maybe if I tried it on with her, he'd be honour-bound to kill us both and I could come back with her as my only wife. Worth a try, I suppose.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40310#post-114668 Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:31:30 +0000 Oxbridge 114668@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Sociologists across Britain are hailing a breakthrough in human behaviour last Sunday morning as a 37-year-old woman from Buckinghamshire sat through Steve Wright's Sunday Love Songs on Radio 2 without intending it as a silent reproach to her partner. Jessica Rowley, a marketing manager in a High Wycombe multimedia firm, told reporters that she and her boyfriend Gary Dawson simply started listening at random.</p> <p>'I quite liked the music so I carried on listening - maybe I'm showing my age,' Rowley told reporters. 'All that slush from these couples who have been blissfully happy for 25 years and feel to compelled to tell the country all about it was a bit nauseating, but I was busy waxing the table and I couldn't be bothered to change channels.'</p> <p>According to Professor Roy Wilde, author of 'You Never Say That to Me: Why Women Fall for Romantic Drivel', about 70% of women listen to Sunday Love Songs and shows like it to convince their husbands that they ought to worship the dust under their feet, while the other 30% are fantasising about the ex they should have stayed with. Rowley, however, says that neither of these things applies to her.</p> <p>'Gary is a fairly average sort of bloke but then I'm a fairly average woman, so we're pretty well suited all in all,' she said. 'Look, if you promise not to laugh at me - when I was younger, I thought Steve Wright was hilarious. Do you remember Mr Angry? He always used to get so angry he'd THROW the phone down ... oh look, you did say you wouldn't laugh.'</p> <p>After the end of the show, the couple went out to lunch in a local pub, during which Rowley did not glare Dawson's head, mutter anything about not being appreciated or ask repeatedly why he hadn't told her she was the most precious thing in the whole wide world. Professor Wilde welcomed this development but cautioned against it being seen as a new trend.</p> <p>'Listening to loved-up saps and their puke-inducing radio dedications is an essential safety valve for some people,' he said, glancing nervously at his wife. 'But best leave them to it - it might be dangerous to point out that most of the men are doing it because of guilt over their last affair or because they are hoping to finally get some anal. No, dear, not me, obviously...' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=36961#post-103711 Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:40:11 +0000 delightfullyodd 103711@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A SHOPKEEPER from Edinburgh has been reported to trading standards and the Police after he named his female shoe shop "Bad Mood." Terry Killens, 54, from Leith opened the shop in October 2011 but had not come up with a name for the store and he decided to name the shop on Christmas Day. </p> <p>Terry said: "I was sitting trying to watch the t.v whilst the wife made the dinner and she was complaining all day. That's when the name hit me. Bad Mood as a shoe shop name is ideal because women are never out of shoe shops and never out of bad moods."</p> <p>The name was met with mixed reaction from shoppers in Edinburgh. One woman said: "It's disgraceful, quite rightly he has been reported." One man said: "Spot on mate."</p> <p>A spokesperson for Trading Standards said: "We can confirm that we have received several complaints (from women) in relation to the name of a store in Edinburgh. We can not comment any further."</p> <p>Lothian and Borders Police refused to comment. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27774#post-76698 Wed, 13 Jul 2011 15:40:27 +0000 Golgo13 76698@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>\o/<br /> ||<br /> / \ </p>