http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=wife The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Fri, 24 May 2013 03:21:06 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152923 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 18:41:38 +0000 dvo4fun 152923@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Have some stars Oxy for some genuine laughs. Not that this relates to my own family you understand - wanted to make that quite clear </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152895 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:21:51 +0000 riesler 152895@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>My MIL did things like this but it turned out to be early signs of Alzheimers. Just thought I'd share. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152894 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:18:51 +0000 Oxbridge 152894@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah, I was having a stroke, hence Little Mix playing netball. Corrections noted, ta. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152892 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:11:17 +0000 Perks 152892@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>NB being used as therapy again!</p> <p>Double check first para, asda this wife? And identified as her mother </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152891 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:10:18 +0000 waylandsmithy 152891@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>According to sources close to your wife, who have just been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is 40% off in Asda this wife.</blockquote></p> <p>Are you having a stroke? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=53100#post-152890 Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:03:08 +0000 Oxbridge 152890@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>According to a source close to your wife, who has just been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is 40% off in Asda this week. The news emerged in a phone call that woke you from a dream about Little Mix playing netball at two minutes past six this morning, for fuck's sake.</p> <p>'She just found the ads from the local paper last week and wanted us to know,' sighed your wife. Reports suggest that your wife is now in a bit of a bind because she does agree that her mother should stop phoning at the crack of bloody dawn and wouldn't have minded another half-hour in bed herself but is also honour-bound to take the side of anyone you slag off.</p> <p>Analysts now agree that there is growing tension between the part of you that wants to say her sodding mother has been to your town seven times this year - and trust you, you have counted - and she should know there isn't a bastard Asda for miles around and the part that is inclined to shut up and just avoid getting the relationship lecture yet again. The likelihood of this conflict erupting with potentially catastrophic consequences has been exacerbated in the last few seconds by your wife's retort that she knows you've never liked her mother. </p> <p>You have sensed that saying 'Yes, I told you that myself' is a trap but saying you might as well make some tea then in an aggrieved manner so as to avoid losing the battle while also leaving a silent-but-deadly as you exit the room, is not a viable exit strategy, especially given that your wife's last boyfriend would have got up and made the sodding tea already actually. He's a surgeon now, earning a fortune.</p> <p>At press time, it remained unclear as to whether you would press your temporary moral advantage home at the risk of seeing if your wife really meant that she doesn't want you to go to her mother's at Christmas. Weighing up eating at someone else's expense and going to a match on Boxing Day match against not having to look over your shoulder while using the PC for three full days may need to be outsourced to a consultant. </p> <p>'We don't even eat Lurpak,' you add on your way downstairs. 'Fucking hell.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27468#post-75781 Wed, 06 Jul 2011 22:37:35 +0000 JohnA 75781@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"We're currently out of stock on our range of concentration-breaking products, from the simple 'Why are you still watching that while I've got to do the housework' to the best-selling 'You just pretended to listen to me. What did I just say?'" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27468#post-75653 Wed, 06 Jul 2011 12:53:50 +0000 Oxbridge 75653@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good one, will add in. Further ideas? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27468#post-75629 Wed, 06 Jul 2011 11:30:15 +0000 JohnA 75629@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Not enough dangerous ploys in the early part of the piece. Needs plumping.</p> <p>"We offer a range of customised solutions for modern working women including "Inconvenient Hoovering during his favourite comedy show", "Sitting there in stony silence with arms crossed while he watches football" and "I don't care what else is on, it's 'X Factor' night and I never get to watch anything else".</p> <p>"We're developing new strategies with our partners including an experimental "Asking him what is going on in CSI every few minutes". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27468#post-75626 Wed, 06 Jul 2011 11:17:31 +0000 Oxbridge 75626@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>MyWife plc, a leading supplier of optimised nagging solutions for modern women, has announced that it has established a technology alliance with MyMatesGirlfriend Ltd., another major player in this fast-emerging market niche.</p> <p>According to CEO Judith Todd, MyWife plc has established market-leading positions over the past 15 years with its suite of life-crushing systems. Now it is seeking to bring in the innovative technologies developed by MyMatesGirlfriend Ltd., which have recently enjoyed strong growth in the wrecking of enjoyable Friday nights up and down the country market.</p> <p>'For a decade, our flexible You Always TM and You Never TM systems led the way, enabling users to take the basic technology package and customise them to specific needs,' said Todd. 'Two years ago, our trans-Atlantic alliance with MyBrothersNuttyAmericanFiancee, Inc., led to the launch of YouDontReallyLoveMe ® and MumsComingToStay ® into the UK market.' </p> <p>However, she added, MyBrothersNuttyAmericanFiancee, Inc., has since been acquired in a management buy-out by SomeBlokeSheWentOffWith &amp; Co. Since then, MyWife plc has been actively looking for a new range of partnering options in its home market. </p> <p>'Thanks to this new joint venture – get your feet off the sofa, I vacuumed it this morning – we will also be offering the range of male subordination solutions developed by MyMatesGirlfriend Ltd., including the truly terrifying EerieCalm TM, we believe that we can offer all of our customers the perfect means of modern husband control,' Todd said.</p> <p>Stephanie Carter, CEO of MyMatesGirlfriend, added: 'For those customers who find EerieCalm TM too high-maintenance, we can now offer a suite of best-in-class sport-enjoyment-wrecking solutions, including the impossible to argue against YouWatchedFootballLastWeek TM. It’s a win-win scenario.”</p> <p>MyWife plc is a global corporation based in Fulham and turning over £47,000 per year, though it would be much more if I’d listened to mummy and married David the consultant optometrist like she told me, he’s earning much more than you, you worthless piece of garbage. And stop pulling faces behind my back, you pathetic worm. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14538#post-39383 Sun, 24 Oct 2010 22:40:18 +0000 Nick McCarr 39383@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Evil last line!<br /> Might want to spell 'center' as centre to keep the pedants happy this side of the ditch. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14538#post-39327 Sun, 24 Oct 2010 10:28:23 +0000 dogwheels 39327@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>An Edinburgh woman has spoken of her grief at losing her husband in the local shopping center.</p> <p>Claire Blair said she has now given up all hope of finding her husband, Gary, in the Greater Lothian Shopping Center, which is over 6,000,000,000 sq ft in size.</p> <p>Speaking from the car park, Mrs Blair said: "Gary said he wasn't really enjoying walking around all the shops, looking at everything and not really buying anything.</p> <p>"He went to go and get a massage at one of those coin-operated chairs but when I looked round, he was gone."</p> <p>Bursting in to tears, she continued: "At first I thought he'd gone to walk back-and-forth in front of the lingerie shop, looking at the mannequins out of the corner of his eyes.</p> <p>"But there was no sign of him. Not even the shopping center security guard could track him down.</p> <p>"To make things worse, it took me two hours to find the car."</p> <p>Approximately 15 husbands go missing in shopping centers up and down the country every year, most are never traced by their wives. </p> <p>Charity ManWatch has been campaigning for years to have a tagging system introduced to UK shopping centers, where wives would be able to insert a tracking micro chip underneath their husband's skin on entering the center.</p> <p>This would allow them to easily find them if they go missing.</p> <p>A spokesman for the shopping center said: "He belongs to us now." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=214#post-637 Fri, 26 Feb 2010 11:13:48 +0000 virtuallywill 637@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>dressed as Inpector Clouseau... </p>