http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=war The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Fri, 24 May 2013 19:18:44 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-175199 Wed, 24 Apr 2013 13:37:25 +0000 Sally1985 175199@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I saw this on FaceBook and it inspired me to sign up. I thought it was really well written and made me laugh. Thankyou </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-175179 Wed, 24 Apr 2013 10:58:00 +0000 Boutros 175179@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>V. Good FP and blimey it's real satire.</p> <p>What's going on?</p> <p>Where will this end? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-175120 Wed, 24 Apr 2013 06:52:11 +0000 Golgo13 175120@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Genuine welsh bees? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-175098 Wed, 24 Apr 2013 05:29:40 +0000 Squudge 175098@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>nice FP </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174977 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 17:39:54 +0000 nickb 174977@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Fat Jaspers sounds like a rock band. Bump/Buzz </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174948 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 15:32:01 +0000 Squudge 174948@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I saw a cherry tree in full flower today and realised as I got close that it had a whole hive of bees in it - hundreds if not thousands of the little souls droning away.</p> <p>I stood underneath and felt properly happy for the first time in ages.</p> <p>I'm with Titus on WoW though, but prefer to evict the fat jaspers from my conservatory intact, if annoyed. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174913 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 13:03:06 +0000 fink 174913@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Brings back memories of the old NewsBiscuit classic <a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2008/02/10/toddlers-admit-failed-strategy-in-war-on-pigeons-017/">Toddlers admit failed strategy in War on Pigeons</a>. Probably the best piece of true satire I've ever read here. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174907 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 12:49:02 +0000 AReader 174907@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>They should get back to their beehives and away from our good British flowers forthwith! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174855 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 09:14:13 +0000 Titus 174855@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>This is wide of the mark. You have been deceived. The true enemy of Man is wasps, who have cunningly diverted attention from themselves by blaming picnic disruptioon on innocent bees who don't in fact steal strawberry jam at all but who lead productive lives in their workers' communes.</p> <p>Bees are the honest hardworking proletariat.</p> <p>Wasps are bourgeoise parasites / capitalist lackeys / anarchists, depending on your political philosophy.</p> <p>Join the War on Wasps. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174840 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 06:40:56 +0000 Not Amused 174840@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I've often wondered what the cynics scoff when they scoff. Do you ave more chance against them when they are fully fed ? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174836 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 05:39:42 +0000 ronseal 174836@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>One sting! They've only got one sting! They've only got one sting... (etc) </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174801 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 22:01:07 +0000 writinginbsl 174801@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>yep - well done oxy </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174798 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 21:56:50 +0000 nickb 174798@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yes </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174757 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 18:08:39 +0000 sigmund 174757@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice one, oxbridge - and no obnoxious tags either! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174742 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:29:33 +0000 Paddy Berzinski 174742@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Probably the best piece of true satire I've ever read here. Stars aplenty. Inspired. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174741 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:23:07 +0000 reforse 174741@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>They come into our country, stealing our pollen, they haven't even got the decency to learn the language. The Mail has it right, time to move to Spain where they speak English. UKIP forever. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174728 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:01:31 +0000 Al OPecia 174728@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Bees - just piss off!!! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174726 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 15:52:32 +0000 monkeyrepublic 174726@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Tell it like it is, Oxbridge! Those kleptomaniac bastards have wandered in and out of my garden with their baskets of pollen for the last time. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=60188#post-174724 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 15:45:17 +0000 Oxbridge 174724@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cynics scoffed and said that it would go the same way as the ‘War on Terror’ and the ‘War on Drugs’, two more scourges of mankind that were too ubiquitous to fight properly. Yet as of today, when the last remaining honey bee was humanely destroyed in a laboratory in Cambridge, humankind has finally triumphed over one of its most ruthless and cynical adversaries.</p> <p>‘At last after thousands of years, we can finally look forward to picnics no longer being disrupted by these furry jam-crazed psychopaths with their slightly irritating humming noise,’ said Professor Norman Jensen of the Insect Research Unit at the university’s Department of Zoology.</p> <p>After years of trials, scientists working in cross-national teams from Europe and America finally managed to infiltrate bee terrorist cells and cause them to collapse gradually from 2006 onwards. This was largely thanks to new techniques of warfare based on the neonicotinoid class of pesticides, which caused many militant bees to get lost on the way home to their ‘hives’. The first confirmation that this strategy might be working came in the summer of 2008, when a threatened wave of suicide assaults on people eating ice cream on Blackpool beach failed to materialise.</p> <p>Some, meanwhile, have accused the politicians and scientists of arrogance in assuming that they alone have brought about the victory. In the US, there have been calls for the Congressional Medal of Honour to be awarded to the humble varroa mite, which is said to deserve much of the credit for bravely attaching itself to the bees’ receptors and causing their wings to deform. Millions of the heroic mites have died in the process.</p> <p>‘I’ll admit to a grudging respect for bees,’ said Jenson. ‘The way they funded their assault on civilisation by getting us to buy honey from them was pure genius, the conniving little bastards. But now, no more peering nervously into the bushes! No more waving our arms about in a comically unco-ordinated way whenever they blunder past an open kitchen door! Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last.’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51939#post-149673 Tue, 20 Nov 2012 12:50:00 +0000 Jonny Shlep 149673@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Shish thanks mate, but there's no need to make a meal of it for tuck's sake. I hope you're not trying to curry favour!</p> <p>Sorry about that folks. It's been a long old morning :( </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51939#post-149590 Mon, 19 Nov 2012 22:04:41 +0000 Squudge 149590@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>what a pitta<br /> never mind</p> <p>...worth a ticker at the very least </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=51939#post-149517 Mon, 19 Nov 2012 12:30:39 +0000 Jonny Shlep 149517@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There were fresh calls for an immediate ceasefire in the war torn Middle East last night after an Israeli F16 jet fighter targeted and destroyed a kebab shop in Upton Park East London leaving the proprietor and 12 customers dead.</p> <p>It is believed the tragic mix up occurred when the pilot was told to "Get me some hummus" by his flight commander who merely wanted him to bring him over a snack from the canteen after ending his sortie over Palestine.</p> <p>A witness to the carnage was Tony Summers, the owner of a greengrocers just across the road from the stricken fast food shop.</p> <p>"It was absolutely diabolical to be honest" said Mr Summers 57 "I was just arranging a few oranges in the display outside the shop when this fighter jet came screaming in and launched a missile which absolutely flattened the kebab place. The poor bastards inside never stood a chance. It's an absolute tragedy for the whole community and a downright diabolical liberty.</p> <p>" Tariq, the geezer who owned it, was an absolute diamond and did the best donner with chili sauce and hummus for miles around. Gawd knows what I'm going to do at lunchtimes now. I'll probably have to get the old woman to make me a packed lunch or something. Absolutely bloody terrible!"</p> <p>The Israeli airforce issued a brief statement last night.</p> <p>"While we deeply regret this terrible tragedy and send our condolences to the families of all those affected we'd like to reiterate that we only target military installations or crowded blocks of flats which may or may not have the odd Palestinian terrorist living there and that regrettably there will always be a degree of collateral damage, whether it be a school, a mosque or even as we saw on this occasion, the odd snack bar thousands of miles from the theatre of war so we're sorry about that"</p> <p>A memorial service for the dead is to be held on Thursday at the East London Church Of Christ, Spitalfields with a free fish supper thrown in afterwards. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47627#post-136731 Sun, 02 Sep 2012 22:06:11 +0000 hardev 136731@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a joint press announcement The Secretary of State for Sport, The Secretary of State for Defense and Lord Coe laid out plans challenge the supremacy of the Chinese at the next Para-Olympics in Rio 2016.</p> <p>Jeremy Hunt, Minister for Sport told reporters that he and his team worked closely over many weeks to look at the long-term beneficial impact of the Olympics and how any part of the legacy could be achieved.</p> <p>He said “At first it seemed a hard nut to crack, but once we came up with the idea, it seemed bleeding obvious. The Armed Forces already make up 36% of the British Para-Olympics Team and all we had to do was find a way to increase that – that’s when I thought what we need is another pointless conflict and I was straight onto the phone to Philip”</p> <p>Philip Hammond, Secretary of Defense, also present at the joint statement continued “Well, yes, when he asked me if there were any countries we could start a pointless conflict with – I almost laughed and replied “Where do I start?? – We’ve got loads”, but when he talked me through his plans I thought it was a stroke of genius. That’s when we got down to some serious thinking and from Monday, after tea we’ve decided to declare war against Syria, Jordan and Iceland”</p> <p>Rt Hon Hammond continued “In a way, it’s ironic that in the upcoming conflicts we’ll have to make sure that our troops are better equipped as we only want them to be maimed for life and not killed, otherwise we can’t do our bit to ensure the successes in Rio”</p> <p>Lord Coe concluded “I’m really excited with what can be achieved if government really think about legacy from the outset – in fact we should have invaded Iceland when al-Qaeda blew up that volcano” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42579#post-121702 Tue, 08 May 2012 10:13:39 +0000 kimllfixit 121702@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ha ha, very good! Cinco estrellas! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=42579#post-121698 Tue, 08 May 2012 09:46:37 +0000 Oxbridge 121698@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>As sabre-rattling from Britian's right-wing Coalitionista dictatorship raises fears of renewed conflict, Argentina's president Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has refused to negotiate away the sovereignty of the Isle of Wight. The two countries fought a brief war over the windswept island 30 years ago, which Argentina won on the Duckworth-Lewis method. Passions have been simmering ever since.</p> <p>'In times of economic hardship, General Cameron and the Coalitianistas are playing the nationalism card because they are no longer able to distract the British people with success on the football pitch or even high quality entertainment ever since Strictly Come Dancing ended,' warned the Spanish president Jose Maria Aznar, who has tried to broker a peace deal. </p> <p>'Their leading tabloid the Daily Mail has even dismissed the idea that a country led by a woman would use force to defend its overseas territories and be a full-time working mum. To be honest, though, I think views like this mostly reflect the latent inadequacies of the men in a country that has Katie Price as its icon of feminitity.'</p> <p>Britain has repeatedly denounced Argentina's 200-year possession of the Isle of Wight as a legacy of colonialism. Geographically, it claims, the Isle is part of Britain and could be reached in less than two hours by sea from the abandoned port city of Southampton, in the unlikely event that any British people wanted to go there. </p> <p>Cynics argue that Britain's true motivation is the Isle of Wight's largely untapped reserves of clotted cream and crabmeat. Some economic analysts believe that, with a few decades of intensive investment, the underpopulated Isle could rapidly be brought into the 1950s. For Fernandez, however, the issue is simply about respecting the wishes of the few thousand inhabitants.</p> <p>'The people of the Isle of Wight are Argentine in every respect,' she said. 'No economic activity to speak of: Argentine. Constant harking back to an idealised but short-lived past: Argentine. Mildly prejudiced against incomers despite being mostly immigrants themselves: Argentine. We will use all the power at our disposal to save these people from this tinpot regime. And Katie Price. Eeew.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=38662#post-109452 Tue, 14 Feb 2012 12:08:38 +0000 Gary Stanton 109452@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Argentina's transport workers' union says it will extend its recent naval boycott to Duran Duran’s private yacht as used in the iconic video for the band’s 1983 hit single Rio. </p> <p>The union - which includes New Romantic dock workers and post-punk engineers - said the measure would apply to all UK vessels used in pop videos, regardless of their final chart position. The announcement is the latest in a series of tit-for-tat measures aimed at pressing Argentina's claim to sovereignty over the islands, which it mistakenly refers to as the Malvinas. The move is likely to play havoc with the band’s bid to sail around the world using only 1980s technology such as a compass, sextant and a tattered copy of the Norton Sea Atlas owned by midshipman John Taylor.</p> <p>"We have resolved to boycott any ship with the British flag, or with the lying and invented flag of the Falklands, or with any flag of convenience which the British pirates use," the Argentine Confederation of Transport Workers said in a statement. But band leader Simon Le Bon hit back claiming pirate costumes for New Romantics was so 1980 and that if Argentina had bothered to watch the video they would realise the band’s preferred seafaring attire is loose-fitting brightly coloured suits with massive shoulder pads. </p> <p>Argentine President, Cristina de Kirchner, meanwhile mocked the group’s attempt to circumnavigate the globe, insisting their entire sailing experience to-date consisted of a pleasant afternoon’s video-shoot off the coast of Bournemouth. In a strongly-worded statement, Kirchner slammed their vessel ‘The Reflex’ as unseaworthy and that it would be unable to cope with Captain Le Bon’s recent weight gain. She added, ‘The English pretty boys stand no chance. I mean, if you have GPS at your disposal then why-aye-aye-aye-aye don’t you use it ? ‘ </p> <p>Last night Kirchner ratcheted up the tension in the region, warning that any breach of Argentina’s airspace by the futurist Gary Numan in his bi-plane would be considered an act of war and could result in his aircraft being shot down. This morning Numan responded via voice-synthesiser, claiming ‘They’ve accused me of sabre-rattling but I think you’ll find that was Spandau Ballet. My look was a lot more minimalist. ’</p> <p>A Downing Street spokesman said of the growing tensions, ‘We take these warnings very seriously. If Gary, or indeed any other Numanoid, is planning to visit Buenos Aires any time soon we’d advise them to travel by car. There, at least, they can feel safest of all. ’ </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=27699#post-76404 Mon, 11 Jul 2011 17:36:52 +0000 Mrblacker 76404@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>John Lennon, the former Beatles and hero of the post-hippy movement was nothing more than a bloodthirsty fan of armed conflict, according to the author of a new book about the Liverpudlian.</p> <p>Arthur Whiggam claims that previously undiscovered writings show that far from his peace-loving image, Lennon was in fact secretly calling for a Third World War, just to satisfy his blood lust.</p> <p>"I found the papers stuffed into a cavity in Lennon's white Rolls Royce, and they make devastating reading." Whiggam told reporters.</p> <p>"The clincher was his scribbled lyrics to <em>Give Peace a Chance</em>. In the margins of the original lyric sheet which I found in a door sill, he wrote a few paragraphs which outlined the real meaning of the song."</p> <p>Mr Whiggam says the content is explosive and likely to tarnish the star's lustre.</p> <p>"Giving peace a chance means that there has to be a period of conflict in the first place. And we've not had one yet. Vietnam's too small to be considered a war, so what we need is a mass conflagration that'll wipe out huge numbers of people. The real meaning of the lyric is 'Give peace a chance, but only after you've given it to a bloody good war.'.</p> <p>"I was stunned when I read Lennon's own words. Personally, I always thought he was a bit of a nutter. But I never realised that behind the cannabis, long hair and seemingly insane relationship with Yoko Ono, he was in fact an ardent right-winger who wished for nothing more than the deaths of millions."</p> <p>Mr Whiggam's book <em>Lennon: Give Peace No Fucking Chance</em> is due for publication next month. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64626 Wed, 13 Apr 2011 08:37:13 +0000 be reasonable 64626@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Feel free to use this one if you want:<br /> <a href="http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21050" rel="nofollow">http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21050</a> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64620 Wed, 13 Apr 2011 07:59:05 +0000 Oxbridge 64620@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mr Bush vowed to continue defending America's borders against terriers. However, Monty, a three-year-old border terrier from Ledbury, Herefordshire, said that he was perfectly capable of defending himself. Added Monty: "Yap yap yap yap yap. I love you. What's for supper? Yap yap yap yap yap." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23725#post-64595 Tue, 12 Apr 2011 21:45:11 +0000 Screenie 64595@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cant beat a good dog pun. Stars. </p>