Forum » Tag: video - Recent Posts

Forum » Tag: video - Recent Posts http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=video The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Wed, 19 Jun 2013 19:27:06 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php Squudge on "Pepper Pot Invasion" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48862#post-141022 Sun, 30 Sep 2012 12:21:05 +0000 Squudge 141022@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ grinds on a bit corny (sorry) You could make the last bit extra 'terrifying' if the apparition behind the steel door was one of those massive restaurant-grade thingies. Enjoyed the ticker tape 'Politicians Useless'. FeelTheatre on "Pepper Pot Invasion" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=48862#post-141013 Sun, 30 Sep 2012 10:00:41 +0000 FeelTheatre 141013@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Great Britain has been declared in a state of Terror Alert Magenta. Dr Peter Corn speaks of the psychology of the conspiring, confabulating Common Lesser Spotted pepper pot. Undercover footage from the PepperCam and even advice from Health and Safety Authorities. ... It may not be an article, but this satirical video has been created to show Great Britain the true danger of the pepper pot. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjZF9-CTlek" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjZF9-CTlek</a> Golgo13 on "Leprechaunean Irish Mayor squashes Tomato Head" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14158#post-99394 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 06:08:29 +0000 Golgo13 99394@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ I missed this one the first time around. Unfortunately not the second. Username on "Leprechaunean Irish Mayor squashes Tomato Head" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14158#post-99391 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 04:41:31 +0000 Username 99391@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Fuck me. Is life easier for people like this, or harder? And, yes, Textbook. Beautifully described. It's like being stuck in some obscure and forgetable Beatles song you've never heard before, and know isn't going to end well... But, as the lady said "<blockquote>,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,</blockquote>" Textbook on "Leprechaunean Irish Mayor squashes Tomato Head" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14158#post-99389 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 04:04:47 +0000 Textbook 99389@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Has anyone actually read this all the way through really paying attention? It's like doing LSD. Qoxiivi on "David Cameron has Limo of a sense of humour" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13680#post-93239 Fri, 28 Oct 2011 12:41:28 +0000 Qoxiivi 93239@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ I think I love Kazytc. Sorry, I mean: I think, I love, K,azyt,c Amazing. bonjonelson on "Leprechaunean Irish Mayor squashes Tomato Head" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14158#post-87281 Sun, 25 Sep 2011 15:14:59 +0000 bonjonelson 87281@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ At least they backed up her brain Al OPecia on "Leprechaunean Irish Mayor squashes Tomato Head" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14158#post-87280 Sun, 25 Sep 2011 14:46:27 +0000 Al OPecia 87280@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <a href="http://savetheworldfree.ning.com/profile/DrKarenJStevens" rel="nofollow">http://savetheworldfree.ning.com/profile/DrKarenJStevens</a> Clearly not. John Ffitch-Rucker on "Leprechaunean Irish Mayor squashes Tomato Head" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14158#post-87278 Sun, 25 Sep 2011 14:26:25 +0000 John Ffitch-Rucker 87278@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Good God. Is there a cure? Kazytc on "Leprechaunean Irish Mayor squashes Tomato Head" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14158#post-38315 Sat, 16 Oct 2010 20:31:03 +0000 Kazytc 38315@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ There has been a very unfortunate accident in Ireland...... Lord Mayor Jim Dodgers, who is in his 60's, and still thinks he is a spring chicken, tried in vain, to help promote a gourmet food fair, by vaulting over a female council worker, by the name of Lorraine Mellon, she was dressed in a tomato suit, and sat crossed legged, on the ground, in front of bemused spectators at the fair. Mayor Dodgers, took a short run, before trying to vault over Miss Mellon, but he barely got off the ground, resulting in him kneeing Miss Mellon, in the back of her head, and leaving her in agony. Miss Mellon, suffered a Slipped Disc, and Mayor Dodgers, suffered bruising to his groin area, not to mention, his meat and two veg. Mayor Dodgers, was left doubled up in pain, and clutching his meat and two veg, whilst paramedics were called, to take Miss Mellon to hospital. To say the least, the event, left the pair of them, with very hurt pride, and red faced. Miss Mellon was as red faced as the Tomato suit she was wearing, Mayor Dodgers was left as red faced, as his meat and two veg.... or rather.....two Tomatoes. The crowds at the fair, thought the incident very amusing, and jeered comments like: "Watch your Tomatoes Mayor" and "Miss too plump tomatoes" Miss Mellon, has since, successfully sued Belfast Council, for damages, and was paid 24,000 Euros, in compensation, out of tax payers hard earned money, which has met with much disdain, and the start of a Leprechaunean revolt.... 30,000 Leprechauns descended, onto the steps of Belfast Town Hall shouting: "Tax payers shouldn't, have to pay, for a Tomato stunt Mayoral accidents" and "Where's the Mayor Dodgers, the Jammie Dodger" Mayor Dodgers, was forced to face the crowd of angry Leprechaun protestors, but before he could give a riot quelling speech, the Leprechauns pelted him with rotten Tomatoes, and left him red faced once again. The Irish Garda Leprechaun police, tried to break up the riot, but were also pelted with rotten tomatoes. The riot got completely out of hand, and the Garda police were left powerless, against the angry Leprechauns, who were demanding that Mayor Dodgers, handed back their 24,000 Euros. Mayor Dodgers, living up to his name, tried to dodge the Leprechaun rioters, by sneaking behind a line of Leprechaunean Garda police officers, and into his car, parked at the side of the Town Hall, but he was spotted by a canny Leprechaun, by the name of Shamus O'Rioter, who alerted the rest of the protestors. The Leprechauns jumped onto Mayor Dodgers car, and commenced to bouncing on its roof. Mayor Dodgers, fearing his life, tried to drive off at speed, 30 Leprachauns fell off the roof, but 3 of them clung onto his windscreen wipers, and tried gallantly, to stay with the vehicle. A heavy rainfall started, and Mayor Dodgers, tried to switch on the windscreen wipers, causing one Leprechaun to fly off the vehicle, leaving two clinging on to the wing mirrors. Garda Police, in hot pursuit of the vehicle, tried to order Mayor Dodgers, to stop his vehicle, using loudhailers, but this was ignored. Eventually, the Garda police managed to head off Mayor Dodgers's car, in a road block, where he was apprehended, for failing to obey Garda police orders. Mayor Dodgers, was arrested as were the ring leaders, of the riots. Mayor Dodgers, together with three other Leprechauns, by the names of: Shamus O'Riot, Aidan O'Bettun, and Sean O'Stunter, have appeared before Leprechaunian Judge Patrick O'Paddywhack, who told them, in no uncertain terms, that their behaviour left much to be desired, and had brought shame to Ireland. Mayor Dodgers, told Judge O'Paddywhack, that he was only trying to gain some control, over the protesting Leprechauns, but they refused to listen, and he had had enough of tomatoes, without being pelted with rotten ones. The three Leprechauns, told Judge O'Paddywhack, that they resented being fleeced for 24,000 Euros, and all for the sake of a failed tomato stunt, by Mayor Dodgers, and so they wanted to teach him a valuable lesson, with more tomatoes. Judge O'Paddywhack, sentenced them all to 6 months in Belfast County Jail, they will serve their time on the Red Wing, and as an additional punishment, they will be fed on nothing but Tomatoes, for the duration of their sentences. Mayor Dodgers, has been ordered to pay 24,000 Euros, out of his own pocket, back to the Leprechaun community of Belfast, and a further 1,000 Euros, for court costs, his wages have been suspended, to meet the penalty imposed on him, by Judge O'Paddywhack. Miss Mellon vows to bin her Tomato suit, and all fund raising activities, and retire to listening to Dessert Island Discs. More news later, watch this space, minus Tomatoes. dominic_mcg on "Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson on the Scrounge" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14134#post-38271 Sat, 16 Oct 2010 09:17:57 +0000 dominic_mcg 38271@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ If her lawyers read this, she won't be skint for long. Kazytc on "Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson on the Scrounge" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=14134#post-38257 Sat, 16 Oct 2010 00:31:34 +0000 Kazytc 38257@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson, the former wife of Prince Andrew, who recently went bankrupt, was out on the scrounge tonight. She gate crashed an exclusive party, at London's fashionable, Cipriani's Canteen, in the city of London, UK, where footballer Jamie Bed-Nicker, and his wife, were amongst the guests, of the bash, organized by jewellery company,'de Gringo's'. Other guests at the bash, were Swedish model Victoria Silverside, and socialite Tamara Beak-wit, who came accompanied by her husband Giorgio Bolony, who supplied the Pepperami sausage, for all female guests. In full view of the 3,000 exclusive guests, Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson, blatantly proceeded to stuff her Fagan-style coat and large handbag, with all manner of: Sausages on sticks, Pepperami sticks, Canapes .... which are mini sun awnings, Eccles cakes, Dripping toast, Escargots, Frogs legs, Popcorn, Candy floss, Toffee apples, Jammie Dodgers, and Suet Puddings The bouncer, Mr Butch Bruiser, dragged Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson, away from the food table, and into the foyer of the venue, where he forced her to empty her pockets and handbag, in front of horrified guests. Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson, had attempted to pilfer half of the food laid on at the bash, her Fagan coat and handbag, once emptied, was confiscated, and she was detained at the venue, until the police were called. At one point however, she almost gave Butch Bruiser the slip, claiming that she was desperate to use the ladies room, and once inside, she attempted to climb out of a window, and escape arrest, but she was caught with her pants down, so-to-speak, by Victoria Silverside, who fortunately went into the ladies room, a short time after her. Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson, was dragged out of the ladies room, by a female police officer WPC Spenda Penny, who by this time, had arrived with a male colleague, Constable Clarence Con-Victor. After being arrested, along with her Fagan coat, and large handbag, Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson was taken away in handcuffs, in a police riot van, amidst the jeering from the party guests, who shouted comments, like: "Stop Sarah Scrounger, Stop Sarah Scrounger" and "Royal Robber, Royal Robber". Later in Soho Crown Court, in a special late night hearing, arranged on account of Sarah Scrounger Fergusson, being a former Royal, Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson appeared before Judge Ebenezer Scrooge, who told her that he found her behaviour deplorable, given her former Royal standing, and irrespective of her financial position. He demanded to know how she had the audacity, to think she might get away with such petty pilfering, in a such a posh public place. Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson, told Judge Ebenezer Scrooge, that she had run out of Weight Watchers meals, and was hungry, and since the Royal family are now poor, she was only trying to steal some food for them all, and in any event, had considered that it was free, to Royals. Judge Ebenezer Scrooge, was outraged, at her feeble excuse, and sentenced her to 3 years, in Holloway Prison's Bummer Wing, which houses all manner of pilfering vagrants and vagabonds, not to mention audacious scroungers. Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson, has had her job seekers allowance, stopped, in order to pay £1,000 in court costs, and a £15 victim's surcharge to de Gringo's the Jewellers, plus a further £30,000, for the loss of party food, ruined from being stuffed into Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson's, Fagan coat and plastic, Hong Kong made, handbag. Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson, will share a cell with a fellow, petty thief, by the name of Paula Pick-Pocket, who was jailed for the petty pilfering of 30 ladies purses, from women using the public toilets, in Pimplico, London, in May this year, she was also arrested by WPC Spenda Penny. Sarah Scrounger-Fergusson, will be fed on gruel and water, whilst in prison, to teach her that she must curb her appetite, for petty pilfering, and scrounging free meals, at parties, which she sees fit, to gate crash. More news later, watch this space, minus Scroungers. Kazytc on "Anne Widdecombe Horrifically Exposed!" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13831#post-37509 Sun, 10 Oct 2010 23:40:58 +0000 Kazytc 37509@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Anne Widdecombe MP, who last week, was disqualified, from "Strictly Cum Dancing", and who managed to bribe her way back into the contest, has been left exposed and rumbled tonight, after a disaster on the dance floor, during a live broadcast of the show.... During an ambitious dance routine, with partner Anton The-Burke, in which he tried to toss Anne Widdecombe up in the air, and then catch her, he failed to do so, on account of the fact that she is so heavy. Anton felt himself losing grip of her, and grabbed her hair, but was shocked, to find, that it was in fact a wig, which subsequently came off in his hands. Still trying to grab a hold of frumpy Anne Widdecome, this time wearing a blue and white frock in a hideous 'Alice in Wonderland' design, he grabbed hold of her dress, which tore off leaving Anne Widdecome, exposed as not only a huge lump of misshapen lard, but a man! Anne Widdecombe is really a man in drag. Red faced by the revelation, Anne Widdecome, whose real name has been revealed to be Walter Will-He-Cum, was left frozen and wooden with embarrassment, on the dance floor, whilst Anton The-Burke, fled in shock horror, taking refuge off stage. The audience were left wondering whether to clap or boo, so they did both, whilst the horrified judges, who failed to spot the hideous truth, were forced to stop the contest and review the whole event. One of the Judges by the name of Bruno Tonioli-Tobacco, was heard to remark that "It was somewhere between horror and comedy". Walter-Will-He-Cum, still standing frozen to the spot on stage, with a bulge in his Y fronts, found himself in the role of a rabbit caught in the headlights, with the audience starting spiral fast out of control, as many leapt onto the stage, to batter him with shoes and handbags. The security officers didn't fancy the task of man-handling Walter Will-He-Cum, off the stage, a sorry sight for anyone to have to look at, let alone handle. Walter Will-He-Cum, left exposed in bulging Y fronts and a stuffed fake bra, resembled an ugly Sumo Wrestler, that had more spare tyres than a Michelin Tyre man. To say that the sight was revolting, would be a gross understatement, apparently. Walter Will-He-Cum, a mass of rolls of flab and fat, with legs that would make tree trunks, look like impersonators of anorexics like Victoria Beckham made many shriek with fright at first. One man from the audience by the name of Sidney Stickles shouted "Yuk you are a sight that would give anyone seriously sore eyes". 30 disgusted women from the audience, battered Walter Will-He-Cum senseless with their handbags, whilst 40 men from the audience beat him black and blue with their shoes. Eventually Walter Will-He-Cum fell to the floor on stage, and was left cowering, underneath members of the bashing, angry and betrayed audience, leaving security officers, reluctantly assisting police officers, to pitch in and break up the riot. Walter Will-He-Cum was dragged off stage, by security officers and police, and taken away for his own protection, in a police van. Police have charged Walter Will-He-Cum with false representation and affray, and for impersonating a female in the course of parliamentary work, as well as, as a contestant on Strictly Cum Dancing. In Soho Crown Court this afternoon Walter Will-He-Cum appeared before Judge David Everage-Grayson who told Walter Will-He-Cum that it was a very serious criminal offence to impersonate someone of a different gender, with the express purpose, of taking advantage of the position, or power, that this afforded them, and that in doing so, in order to obtain a ministerial position, and place on a Television reality show, was an intolerable act of misrepresentation, and tantamount to fraud, which carried a serious penalty. Walter Will-He-Cum in a now masculine voice but quivering and shaking in the dock told the court that he never imagined he could make in life as man and he had always preferred to dress in feminine clothing as it suited him better. Judge Everage-Grayson told Walter Will-He-Cum that he was surprised that he had managed to carry off his muse given that he hardly looked feminine in the first instance. Dressed in baggy brown trousers, and a dark gray T Shirt, with novelty black print sock, and men's lace up black shoes, Walter Will-He-Cum looked like a hideous dyke, or a man in drag, that was visually challenged, with a tendency to colour blindness, these were clothes, which the Television studio, had retrieved from what was thought to be Anne Widdecombes dressing room, back stage. Judge Everage-Grayson fined Walter Will-He-Cum, 900,000 for damages to the public's eyesight, on and off the television set, £2,000 in court costs, and sent him to Wormwood Scrubs Prison, for 20 years, for fraudulent misrepresentation. He will serve his time on the Bovver Boot Wing of the prison, where he will be made to wear more masculine clothing, and have daily shock treatment for his delusional and intellectually challenged behaviour. In between his doses of shock treatment, he will be made to work in the prison laundry, where he will be made to clean up his act. Walter Will-He-Cum will share a cell with George Michael and a brutal man who dislikes effeminate men, by the name of Bruce Butch-Hatchet, it is expected that Walter Will-He-Cum and George Michael, will have learn to develop some control over their sexual deviancies. More news later, watch this space minus men in drag. Kazytc on "Tony Blair Witch Kidnapped by the Poliban" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13787#post-37420 Sat, 09 Oct 2010 22:30:00 +0000 Kazytc 37420@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Middle East Envy, and former UK Prime Minister, Tony Blair Witch, has been kidnapped by the Poliban, who specialize in kidnapping Politicians, for the Taliban, and getting them banned from working in their political capacity. 30 members of the Poliban, ambushed Tony Blair Witch, and bundled him into an egg truck, in Northern Iraq as Tony Blair left a conference tent, following a meeting with the current Prime Minister of Iraq, No-Leak-attacky. It took 29 Poliban members, to man handle Tony Blair Witch's ego, into the egg truck, and one Poliban Member, to manhandle his single brain cell into the truck, the most heavy weight, of the Poliban members, had been tasked with the job, of kidnapping Tony Blair Witch. The Poliban ,are thought to be holding Tony Blair Witch, in an egg shed, in the province of What-egg-it. The Poliban, want Tony Blair banned, from his post as the Middle East Envy, as they are sick and tired of his nonsensical ramblings, boring mumbo jumbo and ever increasingly irritating, ego babble, not to mention his insistence on trying to get the Taliban, to learn witchcraft, as taught by Tony Blair Witch himself, in collusion with his wife Cherie. One Poliban member, by the name of Ali-skull A-Pain, has a particular dislike, of Cherie Blair, and once remarked, at a previous conference in Iraq: "She have face cut out of scrap metal, by blind man, on very bad day". The Poliban said that they will egg Tony Blair Witch to death, in their egg shed, if they don't get assurances from the west that Tony Blair Witch, will be relieved of his job as Middle East Envy, with immediate notice. They gave the West just 24 hours, to announce that Tony Blair Witch, has been dismissed from this role. Tony Blair Witch, tried to insist that they allow him, to make a public broadcast, about his predicament, on live Iraqi television, but the leader of the Poliban insisted that he would only crack the television camera lenses, and make all Iraqi nationals want to flee Iraq, as he is a most hated man there. The Poliban, have said that Tony Blair Witch, is hated so much by the Iraqi people, that when he has been seen on television in Iraq, many of the Iraqi viewers, have even bombed their own Television sets, just so that they won't have to get up off their floor cushions, to turn their television sets off, wasting any valuable human energy on him. British diplomats, trying not to negotiate with the Poliban, for the safety of Tony Blair Witch, whilst he is in captivity with them, have been told that that Tony Blair Witch is for now safe, and being fed well, on rotten eggs, which they believed was his favourite food, outside of soles of shoes...... they are trying to wipe the smirk off his face with those. Diplomats have been told by Western leaders, that they had hoped that this would happen to Tony Blair Witch, so that they could rid politics, of his egotistical presence, once and for all. In the light of this, they are going to refuse to announce publically, that they are going to relieve Tony Blair Witch of his role as Middle East Envy, they went on to add, that since Tony Blair Witch, is into martyrdom, that he would want them to stand firm and let him take what is coming to him, as a result. The Poliban, wondered if the West were just trying to call their bluff, into releasing Tony Blair Witch, after all they didn't want to be stuck with him either. The Poliban and the Taliban are now meeting to decide what to do with Tony Blair Witch now that they appear to be stuck with him, it is thought that they will leave him gagged and bound in the underground egg shed to rot to death along with the other rotten eggs in the bunker. We shall of course not update you with this story as we know you couldn't care less. More news later, watch this space. Kazytc on "Dinner Lady Grooms a Biscuit Boy Oliver" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13774#post-37393 Sat, 09 Oct 2010 15:57:39 +0000 Kazytc 37393@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ A dinner lady working in St Mary's Primary School in County Fermanagh, Northern Ireland, has been accused of grooming a boy of 9 years old. 'Oliver Twist'-Cookie, asked dinner lady Pat Lavery-Groom, if he might 'more' biscuits, after his school dinner. Pat Lavery-Groom was happy to oblige' and gave him one biscuit to eat' and used another with chunks missing out of its side, to comb and groom his hair. The headmistress of the school Letitia Leprechaun, saw Pat Lavery-Groom, combing little Oliver Twist-Cookie's hair with the biscuit, and immediately snatched it off her, she was caned 20 times in front of the children, in the school dining room. Oliver Twist-Cookie, told his parents what happened, on arrival home from school, and they reported the matter to Social Services, who have accused Pat Lavery-Groom, of 'grooming' Oliver, by bribing him with a biscuit, so that he would let her groom/comb his hair with another. Oliver Twist-Cookie, who was happy savouring the taste of the biscuit, looked like he had dandruff, as result of having his hair groomed/combed with a biscuit. Barb Barber-Wire, the senior Social Worker from the local Social Services department, called an emergency case conference over the incident, and a recommendation was made, to place Oliver Twist-Cookie ,on the 'At Risk of Biscuit Dandruff Register', as long as he wanted to continue attending the same school. Police attending the Social Services Case Conference, ruled that they were going to make this incident, a criminal matter. Pat Lavery-Groom, was subsequently arrested and take to County Fermanagh Magistrates Court, where she appeared before Leprechaunian Magistrate Patrick Kit-Kat, who demanded to know, what had possessed Pat Lavery-Groom, to think she could get away with grooming a boy's hair with a chipped comb-like biscuit, and bribing him to let her do so. Pat Lavery-Groom, told the court, that she had mistaken Oliver, for a 'Ginger Nut', as he has red hair. Leprechaunian Magistrate Patrick Kit-Kat, told Pat Lavery-Groom, that she should consider getting her eyes tested, and think twice about bribing children with a free biscuit and hair grooming, as this was not 'politically correct' in this day and age, to do such things to vulnerable little children like Oliver. Patrick Kit-Kat, had no choice, but to order Pat Lavery-Groom, pay a fine of 20,000 packets of Ginger Nut biscuits, plus a free hair cut for Oliver Twist-Cookie, at the local barbers, and 20,000 bowls of porridge, in compensation to Oliver Twist-Cookie, plus 200 Euro's, in court costs. Pat Lavery-Groom, has since been sacked from her job, and sent to work in the Mc Vities Biscuit factory canteen, she will not be allowed to work dishing out desserts, sweets or biscuits, to any of the 3,000 strong workforce. Oliver Twist-Cookie, has returned to the school and is having to do without biscuits, until he gets home from school each day. More news later, watch this space, minus biscuits. SingingHinny on "The Labour Parties 'Booby' Prize" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13742#post-37368 Sat, 09 Oct 2010 09:29:52 +0000 SingingHinny 37368@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Excellent, constructive advice, O J. o b sensible on "The Labour Parties 'Booby' Prize" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13742#post-37367 Sat, 09 Oct 2010 09:25:53 +0000 o b sensible 37367@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ give up now while you're behind Kazytc on "The Labour Parties 'Booby' Prize" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13742#post-37340 Fri, 08 Oct 2010 22:31:48 +0000 Kazytc 37340@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Nah..... I just take the mick out of audacious people LOL! Would love a job as a reporter though! Kaz x Sinnick on "The Labour Parties 'Booby' Prize" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13742#post-37325 Fri, 08 Oct 2010 20:05:02 +0000 Sinnick 37325@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Looks like you know her quite well. Do you work for the daily mail ? Kazytc on "The Labour Parties 'Booby' Prize" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13742#post-37319 Fri, 08 Oct 2010 19:47:05 +0000 Kazytc 37319@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ After 14 years of Britain being ruled by the Labour party, until recent elections voted in, David Cameron's, Conservative Party, it would appear that the Labour Party, have awarded themselves something of a 'booby' prize, in the form of woman known to millions now, as Kelly Breast-Marshall.... Kelly Breast-Marshall, has 5 children to 4 different father's, and claims a variety of welfare state benefits, which have apparently, afforded her a boob job, costing British Tax Payers, £4,500. It is a well known fact, that former UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown, has been likened to a Cow, from the revolting way he sits chewing hay in public, and 'milking' the British electorate for all they are worth, but to finance a dole queue dossers boob job, so that she can provide him with more breast milk, is something many think, is a question of him 'pulling the 'udder' one', a tad too far. Kelly Breast-Marshall, has been filmed entertaining Gordon Brown, in her luxury home, paid for by the state, and wearing her Armani Jeans, hundreds of which are kept wardrobe, which houses just her jean's alone. Kelly Breast-Marshall, claims that Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Witch, on a joint visit to her home, tried to teach her how to shoplift, in places like Oxfam, but she turned her nose up at such activities, as she felt that there was no need to steal, as long as she could get the money from the state to buy her the luxury lifestyle that she enjoys. No mention of ever working for a living, like the respectable members, of the UK electorate. Kelly Breast-Marshall, also claims that Gordon Brown, told her that he and his wife got their clothes from Oxfam, as did the late Michael Foot MP, Kenneth Clarke MP, Anne Widdecombe MP, Theresa Bryant-May MP, and former Prime Minister James Callaghan, but since she wasn't keen to follow their iconic fashion sense, then he would have no qualms over financing her, the preferred luxuries, out of the state coffers. On one visit to Kelly Breast-Marshall's home, Gordon Brown was noted to have enjoyed, a cup of Harrods finest filter coffee, with luxury lumps of Harrods finest Demerara Brown Sugar, and Harrods finest Jersey Cow's Milk, with some Harrods Champagne truffles and Harrods finest Shortbread biscuits, laced with Harrods finest Scotch Malt Whisky, something he told Kelly Breast-Marshall, that he never got at home, along with other pleasures he enjoyed her home, he claimed that he was unable to afford such luxuries on his pay. Audacious Kelly Breast-Marshall, even asked Gordon Brown, if he would consider giving her a pay rise, as she was finding it hard to afford more than 2 holidays per year, out of the £29,000, that she was getting in Welfare benefits every year. Gordon Brown apparently told her, that 'He would see what he could do, after all she was one of many, he considered, were well deserving of state benefits, as she was 'cared about', by the welfare state'. Hard working professional protestors Peter Caravan-Ambler and Dorothy Atkins-Sky, were outraged after reading a magazine article about this fiasco, and staged a protest outside Kelly Breast-Marshall's home, in Toxteth in Liverpool, they pelted Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Witch with eggs, as they both left the home of Kelly Breast-Marshall , following a visit there, this afternoon, with the apparent purpose of discussing how best they could milk the state for some more money, to keep Kelly Breast-Marshall, in Armani Jeans, on the welfare state. Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Witch, in a statement to the media, outside Kelly breast-Marshall's home, said that they believed that even dole queue dossers and the work shy, should look their best, just in case they managed to encourage the new government, to create jobs for them, where they had failed to. Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Witch, as always, left the press conference with egg on their faces, nothing new there. Hopefully they will fail in trying to get David Cameron's government, to give Kelly Breast-Marshall, anymore money out of the state coffers. Meanwhile the state benefits currently doled out to Gordon brown and Tony Blair Witch, have been suspended, pending investigation for fraud, since they admitted that that they steal their clothing, from Oxfam, as opposed to paying for it out of their state retirement benefits as they are supposed to. Police arrested Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Witch, as they tried to get into their limousines, outside Kelly Breast-Marshall's home, they were later charged with petty theft from Oxfam, and trying to aid and abet a dole queue dosser to steal from Oxfam, not to mention working and claiming state benefits, and in the light of what they told Kelly Breast-Marshall, about their being there in an official state capacity. Later in Liverpool Crown Court Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Witch appeared before Judge Edgar Doss-Sponger who told them that they should be setting a better example to dole queue dossers everywhere and not encouraging them to steal or sponge even more than they already do. Judge Edgar Doss-Sponger sentenced Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Witch to 10 years in Liverpool's Walton Jail, they have also been fined 10 million pounds each for their uncharitable behaviour in stealing from Oxfam. Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Witch have had their state pensions withdrawn until their fines are paid off, after which their state pensions will be given to other dole queue dossers to prevent them from stealing Armani Jean's from Oxfam. More news later, watch this space..... minus dole queue dossers in Armani Jeans. Kazytc on "David Cameron has Limo of a sense of humour" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13680#post-37191 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 21:48:17 +0000 Kazytc 37191@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ UK Prime Minister David Cameron, has revealed that he has a bizarre sense of humour today, as it has been revealed that he has made a ruling, to his cabinet ministers, that they are to take the tube home from work, but their cabinet papers will follow them home in a state funded limousine! A Hummer stretch Limousine, has been paid for by the British tax payer, to transport 171 boxes of cabinet paperwork home every night of the week, from Downing Street, to the 171 cabinet ministers homes, with explicit instructions to leave them with a neighbour, if the Cabinet minister doesn't arrive home before his paperwork, or failing that, to leave them on his/her doorstep! One minister critical of the move, is Theresa May, who claims that she arrived home to find the15 year old delinquent son of her neighbour, sitting on his doorstep, setting fire to her paperwork, with a box of Bryan May matches, he had been given her paperwork, by the chauffer of the limousine, which brought her paperwork home ahead of her. 30 state secrets were destroyed in the incident, leaving David Cameron somewhat red faced, to 'match' the tatty red attaché case, that had contained the said paperwork. Kenneth Clarke, another cabinet minister and secretary of state for Justice, has revealed that he arrived home to find that his wife had been cleaning his Hush Puppy shoes on his paperwork, laid out on their kitchen table, he was irate but his wife simply looked puzzled and said: "Well I thought it was the usual rubbish you bring home with you, so I thought it would be ok for cleaning your Hush Puppies on Dear". All Manner of legal paperwork, was left covered in suede cleaner, and to say the least, a tad smelly, as are the laws. Phillip Hammond, who is the secretary of state for Transport, came home to find his paperwork being used by his son for cleaning motorbike oil off his moped, he was under the impression, that it was used paperwork, so it didn't matter if he used it for his moped. George Osborne, the chancellor of the Exchequer, came home to find that his teenage daughter, had gone out and tried to spend his paperwork, thinking that it was money, she claimed that she had had a 'blonde moment', but her father was not amused. Chris Huhne, the secretary of state for energy and climate change, came home to find that his wife had gone green, and used his paperwork to start a fire and light their wood burning stove, her excuse was, that she was trying to follow his instructions to recycle all paper, and use scrap paper for fires, he was unable to understand, how his wife, could possibly, mistake his cabinet paper work, for scrap paper. In the wake of these incidents David Cameron, has ruled that in future, ministers will be chauffer driven home in Hummers and their paperwork will travel home on the London Tube Trains. More news later, watch this space.... minus ministerial scrap paper. be reasonable on "Baby Hunt by Government Minister James (Adult Content)" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13666#post-37144 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 16:48:52 +0000 be reasonable 37144@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Have you tried taking more water with it? :) Kazytc on "Baby Hunt by Government Minister James (Adult Content)" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13666#post-37140 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 16:25:47 +0000 Kazytc 37140@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Jeremy Hunt, the UK Government's, Culture Secretary ,announced today, that the state should not, support large families. His remark has sparked an outrage, making parents of large families, look for places to hide, amidst Jeremy Hunt, ordering that a specialist team of Government Baby Hunters, are to sweep the country, seizing every child down, from the families first born, and taking them away in a fleet of government baby detector vans. The new baby detector vans, are now out in full force, in the UK, and parents are advised, that sooner or later the van will track them down. Parents are advised to hand in all children, other than for their first born, those who do, will be given a one off, child amnesty payment, of £5 per child. The children seized by the Government baby hunters, are to be taken to India, where the government allows large families. Jeremy Hunt, has been praised by the rest of the UK government cabinet, for the creation of hundreds of new jobs, as over 5,000 people have now been taken on, as Baby Hunt Officers, whilst 2,000 have been given jobs, as Baby Detector Van Drivers, these jobs will be given to men, so that maternal or emotional attachment, can be avoided, during enforcement. The move is backed wholeheartedly by Theresa May who has passed a motion in support of this new ruling, this will be in the form of a means of assuring that no large families can be re-created in the UK, she has introduced Penal Detector Vans that will work in the same way as Television detector vans. The Penal Detector vans will be able to ferret out any man in the act of enjoying intimate pleasures, once detected men will face harsh new action whereby if he has fathered one child he will have his private parts plugged so that he cannot produce anymore children, if he is found to have removed this plug and subsequently father's a second child he will face a penalectomy to remove his private parts, preventing him from further procreation. Theresa May has well 'matched' the motion of Jeremy Hunt, and created a further 5,000 jobs as Penal Activity Officers, and a further 2,000 jobs as Penal Detector Van drivers, these new jobs will be given to women, made redundant from being full time mothers of formerly large families, it is thought that women will be better equipped to enforce this new ruling, since they will be more likely to be physically detached, from the task of implementing the painful penal penalties. upon the UK male population. The leader of the Labour Party Ed Miliband, has criticised the move, accusing Jeremy Hunt, of being a modern day King Herod, who, in his move, is doing nothing more than robbing Peter to pay Paul, he went on to dub Jeremy Hunt, as 'King Herod Hunt the 2nd'. Jeremy Hunt defending his move, has been heard to say, that Ed Miliband is only critical because he never thought up the excellent idea himself, and that had this motion been in place when he was born, he would never have had to have competed with his brother David, for the leadership of the Labour Party. The move is thought to result in saving the UK 200 billion pounds per year. Free contraception, is being given out to all mothers and married women, between the ages of 16 and 66, and it will be compulsory to take this medication, failure to do so, will result in imprisonment, in an all female prison. The get tough policies of David Cameron, and his cabinet, are meeting with much disdain from the UK electorate. We have interviewed many random women today, and heard the level of disdain.... Polly Pampers-Pickles, said that she was most distraught that this terrible new ruling had been passed, as she has 20 children and fears that it will put her out of business, as a kindergarten owner, she went on to say, that she will be bored with no one to play with all day, as she is a huge fan of Polly Pocket who lost her locket. Harriet Huggies-Harman, who has 10 children, said that she is considering emigrating, to save having to lose her children, or having them packed off to India, as her children are not keen on eating curry. Deirdre Dummie-Darling, who has 8 children, was visibly upset and need comforting, as she told us, that she had only just moved to a 10 bedroom house, in order to have enough room for her children, to have a more comfortable life, they had previously lived in a 3 bedroom house, and things were a tad cramped, and her children cried all day, because they kept falling over one another. The move means that she will have to down size her home, and have the inconvenience of another house move. She has been told that the government, are sending a special Australian made Skylifter, to transport her large family home to India, so that 7 of her children can be housed over there, without it costing the Indian government, to provide a large enough shack, for them all to live in. Pamela Peramulator-Patterson, who is Irish, and has 30 children, says she was always happy to hear the 'patter of tiny feet', around her home, and so she adopted 10 of her children, so that she could 'live happily ever after', in what neighbours have dubbed a 'large shoe box', the government are sending an Australian Skylifter, to transport her shoe box home, to India,, and she is terribly upset, as she feels she will have no will to live, without them all. Her 20 prams will be made redundant. Just a few of the unhappy mothers that we have spoken to in the UK. A civil uprising and revolt against this harsh new policy, is expected, starting in Liverpool where 3,000 Scouse mother's have already started protesting, on the steps of Liverpool Town Hall, headed by professional protestors, Peter Caravan-Ambler and Dorothy Atkins-Sky, who lead the protestors into throwing soiled diapers, at council leaders, coming out of the Town Hall. Derek Hatton-Sekonda, was hit by a soiled diaper, which stuck to his head like glue, he tried to hit back at the protestor who threw the diaper at him, that being a Mrs Rita Rattle, who shouted "Cop that lad, you are a load of SHIT", but police retrained him from doing so, he was lead away from the protestors in a raging temper, and looking fine mess, as a result of the diaper attack. Similar protests have been taking place across the UK. We shall of course keep you updated on this story. More news later, watch this space, minus dummies. Griffin on "David Cameron wants the UK electorate to pull themselves together" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13584#post-36929 Thu, 07 Oct 2010 07:03:53 +0000 Griffin 36929@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ What do I have to do to pull myself together with the gorgeous girl in the next office? I am 65. Kazytc on "David Cameron wants the UK electorate to pull themselves together" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13584#post-36901 Wed, 06 Oct 2010 23:01:33 +0000 Kazytc 36901@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ I just did! la maga on "David Cameron wants the UK electorate to pull themselves together" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13584#post-36883 Wed, 06 Oct 2010 20:34:16 +0000 la maga 36883@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Not sure you can stretch out a pun to a full story like that... Kazytc on "David Cameron wants the UK electorate to pull themselves together" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13584#post-36882 Wed, 06 Oct 2010 20:25:34 +0000 Kazytc 36882@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Seems I rattled someones cage, sad thing is that we can't please all though I always feel it best to say nout as opposed to something crass. saltire on "David Cameron wants the UK electorate to pull themselves together" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13584#post-36875 Wed, 06 Oct 2010 19:43:30 +0000 saltire 36875@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ This sub is bordering on genius. I only wish I could give it more than fuck all. Kazytc on "David Cameron wants the UK electorate to pull themselves together" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13584#post-36874 Wed, 06 Oct 2010 19:36:35 +0000 Kazytc 36874@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ UK Prime Minister David Cameron, has called for Britain to pull together today. Determined to ensure that this happens, he has ordered that every householder in Britain, is receive with some government issue curtains, so that they can all 'pull themselves together', successfully. The order has gone out that all householders, will have to put these curtains up, in their living rooms or front bedrooms, to show their support for his ruling, those who fail to do so will be fined £20,000. Prince Phillip has insisted that his government issue curtains, should be Red Tartan, as he is addicted to Red Tartan. The Queen has insisted that hers, should be thermal, as she was recently turned down for a poverty grant, to help with the palace heating bill. David Cameron thought the Queen and Prince Phillip, were a tad audacious, to ask for any free at all, given their wealth, but has made a one off grant, to prevent them from going out to Aldi, to steal some instead. Anne Widdecombe has requested that hers are made from tin foil, to match her Dancing cape, which also doubles up as a witches cape, for traveling out in, on Halloween. David Cameron and his wife Sam-cam, have insisted that theirs, be made from Cardboard Cornish Pasty boxes, to match baby Florence's crib. Nick Clegg and his wife Miriam, who live at 11, Downing Street, are having their government issue curtains, made from wood normally used for making Cloggs. Gordon Brown and his wife Sarah, are having their curtains, made from Oxfam cast offs, sewn together with hay. Tony & Cherie Blair are having their curtains, made from blood stained, black magic altar cloths. William Hague and his boyfriend Christopher Mythers, are having their curtains made from pink fluffy feather boa's and black studded leatherette. Kenneth Clarke and his wife Gillian, are having theirs made from scruffy old Hush Puppies, sewn together with tatty old shoe laces. Eric Pickles and his wife Irene Coats, are having theirs made from Pickled Onion Skins sewn onto old coats, not surprisingly. Dr Vince Cable and his wife Rachel, are having theirs made out of plastic coated crossed wires and other conduit. Theresa May and her husband and her husband Phillip, are having their curtains made from old Bryant May match boxes, as they like a well lit room. Dr Liam Fox and his wife Jesme, are having theirs made from Fox fur. Ian Dementia Smith and his wife Betsy-boobs, are having theirs made from Tenalady diaper bags. George Osborne and his wife Francis, are having theirs made from used bank cheques and obsolete bank notes. The rest of the British electorate, are having theirs made from normal curtain materials, as they are more sound in mind, and not as fussy. You are advised to await the arrival of your free curtains, this coming week, please refrain from taking after the Royal family, by going out pilfering them. More news later, watch this space. Kazytc on "Ian Dementia Smith goes potty!" http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13527#post-36729 Wed, 06 Oct 2010 00:08:01 +0000 Kazytc 36729@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ Secretary of State for Work & Pensions, Iain Dementia Smith who is currently at loggerheads with the Treasury amidst a reform of the welfare state; admitted today that he has been working and claiming invalidity benefits for his IBS (Irritable Buffoon Syndrome). The admission comes as it was revealed that he had been under surveillance for 2 months by the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) (otherwise known as the Department of Wicked Plonkers) fraud department. Iain Dementia Smith broke down as he told the Gestapo (fraud officers at the DWP) that he didn't think his disability would persist and so he thought that .... 'One or two decades more wouldn't make too much of a dent in the state purse and besides, it was only for a few quid each week to cover him for the price of adult babies nappies which he needed for his IBS problem'. Police officers searching the home of Iain Dementia Smith later found further incriminating evidence against him in the form of: 500 million stolen sick notes all with forged doctors signatures. 900,000 adult babies nappies and 90,000 safety pins for which he had no Mothercare receipt and are believed to have been stolen by Iain Dementia Smith. and 50,000 bottles of prescription pills for senile dementia. Iain Dementia Smith was dragged out of the DWP by angry potty trained policemen who took him away in a police van he was heard muttering "Thanks to you I'm in a shitty situation". Later in Westminster Magistrates Courts Iain Dementia Smith pleaded guilty to working and claiming benefits, stealing adult babies nappies and safety pins from Mothercare and stick notes and dementia drugs from his local doctors surgery, not to mention soiling his nappy in the police van and abusing the potty trained policemen. Iain Dementia Smith told the court that he was sorry for his crimes but said that he just couldn't help having the backside of a Baboon and the mind of a buffoon. Magistrates disgusted at Iain Dementia Smith told him that they would not tolerate his setting a bad example to walking sick notes like those in Liverpool who like him, were work shy and intellectually challenged. Magistrates went on to add that 'just because he was demented and that Dementia was his middle name, it didn't mean he could get away with abusing the public purse or his position'. Iain Dementia Smith was sacked from his post as Secretary of State for Wicked Plonkers and remanded to The Florence NightingaleNightingale Psychiatric hospital in London for some shock treatment, his sentence for an indefinite period will see his invalidity benefit revoked, Iain Dementia Smith will have to pay for his own incarceration, and will spend the rest of his days in a 'go straight' jacket in a padded nappy cell on the Winnie the Pooh wing of the hospital. Magistrates also fined Iain Dementia Smith £40 in compensation to the DWP, £2,000 court costs, and a further 300 million pounds to Mothercare for loss of nappies and safety pins, not mention £10 for loss if drugs to the his local health centre. Iain Dementia Smith was a cry baby all the way to the Florence Nightingale Hospital he was denied paper tissues because he was considered wet enough. More news later, watch this space.