http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=tv The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sun, 19 May 2013 16:39:30 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37904#post-107083 Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:50:39 +0000 Username 107083@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Goes way over my head. Lots of nice phrases and good command of language features, but, yep, way over my head. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=37904#post-107033 Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:23:38 +0000 A.Parody 107033@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>After what has been dubbed by switch board operators as <em>What the Fuck - Sunday</em>, The Nation’s beloved sense of hearing is slowing returning. Panic swept the country at about 9.06pm GMT on Sunday when it sat down to watch the first part of the BBC’s television adaptation of Sebastian Faulk’s Birdsong. Within minutes the NHS reported a spike in incoming calls that Christopher Sykes, a volunteer operator described as “an aural blood bath”. </p> <p>As the storm begins to subside after the anarchy that ensued, final emergency call figures are set to have reached somewhere in the vicinity of a record breaking 5.9 million, with sensory emergencies totalling 100% of the calls. Lauren Wood, Deputy Supervising Manager of 999™, remarked, “It was like being in one of them twilight zones, an’ not the one where Robert Pattinson tongues your neck.” The similarity between each call is being quantified as <em>supernatural</em> by medical experts, where victims described the epidemic as episodes of occasional aural black outs. One victim stated, “What was strange about it all was that the actor’s mouth was open but I couldn’t hear anything he was saying, I then started to panic.” </p> <p>Health Minister Simon Burns condemned the program for its subliminal properties and malevolent interests, but the BBC has side stepped the issue by claiming nothing untoward went on during filming and subsequently have called the actor responsible forward to account for themselves.</p> <p>The actor in question, 30 year old Eddie Redmayne, has been unavailable to comment but close school chum and old-mucker Geoffrey Mountbatten tweeted on Sunday evening “so that’s what you were boasting about earlier Redo #Wizardry”, alluding to the general consensus that Redmayne himself has some kind of supernatural gift. </p> <p>The rest of Britain were unable to comment after switching to Channel 9 in favour of white noise at 9.01pm GMT, but a number of conspiracy theories are beginning to materialize, the most popular being linked to Redmayne’s acting capacity and Abi Morgan’s screenplay writing aptitude. However this is being preserved by many as nonsensical poppy-cock considering the subject matter. Charles Spencer’s review consecrated this by accentuating that the immortality of trench based drama can only ever have the same calibre as the men who bravely gave their lives all those year ago.</p> <p>At a time when Government debt is clipping the trillion mark, an outcry for improvements to 999™ couldn’t come at a worse time for The Nation, but Health Ministers insist they have learnt a valuable lesson ahead of this Sunday’s encore. “We are doing everything we can to ensure something like this doesn’t happen again, but if reckless narcissists are hell-bent on terrestrial-terrorism, we need to be able to respond accordingly, #Capital Punishment.” </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34504#post-97419 Wed, 23 Nov 2011 11:20:38 +0000 Fray Brentos 97419@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a drive to cut costs at the BBC, producers have been forced to pull Graham Norton off. Sorry, have been forced to pull Graham Norton off his prime-time Friday night slot.<br /> Beeb bosses announced the news today at the same time as announcing the identity of Norton’s replacement, a remote controlled plastic arse. The arse, measuring some 4 inches on height, moves around on wheels controlled by Giles Backboner, an operator backstage and will communicate by the use of a robotic voice which will be pre-programmed with questions and small-talk agreed between the show’s script writers and the guests’ PR representatives. For more dramatic moments, the arse will turn to the audience or spin around a bit to get laughs and make the interviewee blush.<br /> “We think that it’s time to push new boundaries and try something that has never been done before” said Mark Thompson at a half-empty press cabal yesterday. “We looked long and hard at our audience and the guests that are attracted to the show and realised that it really doesn’t matter who or what is hosting the show.<br /> In a statement released this morning, the BBC said “We are expecting the same calibre of stars to take part in the shows and for our audiences to enjoy them just as much. And a motorised talking shitbox won’t carry with it the same level of danger as a shouty, histrionic woofter like Norton. I’d like to see this anus automaton prance about on stage in a spangly f*cking suit jokes doing strings of cock jokes.<br /> “The arse will be completely under our editorial control. Of course, we expect it to become a celebrity icon and have already received invitations from the BAFTA awards, the next Live 8 concert and Celebrity Big Brother. People will go crazy for it. We have Max Clifford’s PR team working on a series of saucy exposés about the arse’s private life to keep the public interested and will be creating a series of toys which will be out in time for Christmas.<br /> ITV meanwhile, are refusing to comment on their plans to immediately replace the presenter of X-Factor’s Xtra-Factor, Konnie Huq, with a clockwork cunt. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=29156#post-81768 Fri, 12 Aug 2011 15:44:18 +0000 DavidEllisKent 81768@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Inspector Gadget fans across the globe were shocked to their very (bionic) core today when Microsoft and Google announced they would be launching a bidding war for patents linked to the infinite amount of gizmos tucked away inside the lovable children’s TV cyborg character Inspector Gadget.</p> <p>Google have previously accused Microsoft of going after bogus patents to discredit Android.</p> <p>Therefore in order to teach them a lesson, Google’s attention has now been focused on the infamous Inspector, figuring that if they are going to go after bogus patents, they might as well go for the really cool ones.</p> <p>Microsoft has retaliated by entering a bidding war and justified the exercise to their shareholders by asking them “Where do you want to go today? Anywhere you like if we use Inspector Gadget’s gyroscopic hat copter.”</p> <p>Gadget’s evil nemesis Dr Claw has been reported to be apoplectic with rage:- “How am I meant to get him <strong>NEXT TIME!!!</strong> if they are going to harvest his organs and place him in the next-gen smartphone? I suppose I could jab the keys on him really hard. He was a worthy foe, guess I am going to have to Go-Go-Get over it!!!”</p> <p>Penny &amp; Brain were unable to comment at this time, as they are busy working on a feature length live action, motion capture film version of their escapades directed by Steven Spielbeard and starring Noah “The nose...look at his nose...he is the Inspector” Wyle. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28502#post-79719 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 09:06:13 +0000 beau-jolly 79719@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Jezzer Kyle would have sorted them out. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28502#post-79713 Fri, 29 Jul 2011 08:29:56 +0000 Golgo13 79713@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Actually, it's the 'ITV' references that are throwing me...</p> <p>...maybe a 'teen-ager could come along and say 'That Amber-Lynne is, like, well fit, innit', as they do. </p> <p>Or 'well minging'... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28502#post-79695 Thu, 28 Jul 2011 23:13:32 +0000 rikkor 79695@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>You've gots lots of flak here in the tag department. (Due to their complete lack of knowledge of English history.) Lots of "in" jokes here wot I got. Five material. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=28502#post-79662 Thu, 28 Jul 2011 20:27:00 +0000 Oxbridge 79662@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There was uproar in the studios of ITV last week following the botched recording of an appearance by Henry Tudor and his wife of three years Anne Boleyn on All Star Mr &amp; Mrs. Fears are now growing for the safety of Anne, 29, who has not been seen since being escorted from the building by five Yeomen of the Guard.</p> <p>'It was a disaster from the start,' admitted producer Rachel Dent. 'No sooner had we done the introductions than a dumpy Spanish woman rushed down from the audience to fling herself at Henry's feet, saying that she was his true wife in the eyes of God and had come to his bed a maid. Straight away the audience started booing Anne and calling her a whore and a strumpet.'</p> <p>The intruder, later named as Henry's first wife Catherine of Aragon, was taken away and order was restored via a few summary hangings and floggings, presided over by executive producer Thomas Cromwell. However, the recording soon descended into farce again.</p> <p>'When we asked them who wore the trousers in their palace, they just looked confused,' said Dent. 'But then, when Anne held up the pink paddle in answer to the question 'Who has the better grasp of theology?', Henry flew into a temper and said he was off to see Mistress Seymour, who would never dare use him so.'</p> <p>Police are now searching for clues to the whereabouts of Anne and five handsome young gentlemen of her bedchamber, though they have declined offers from Thomas Caxton to hack into their private correspondence. Dent, meanwhile, is seriously worried about the future of All Star Mr &amp; Mrs.</p> <p>'We won't be able to transmit that show and if it goes on like this, I can see the whole series being axed - and not just us,' she said. 'But I'm hopeful of better luck next week, when we welcome the Emperor Claudius and his adorable young wife Messalina.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=21738#post-58726 Thu, 24 Feb 2011 13:08:08 +0000 AndyOverhead 58726@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Channel 4 is to indefinitely delay the broadcast of an episode of Balls of Steel, following a 'dare' featuring Colonel Gadaffi, the muppet-faced leader of a North African Nation.<br /> "Following a stunt where Col Gadaffi agreed to see how far he could push his own people, an unfortunate series of events has unfolded resulting in what we would describe as 'uncomfortable', not to mention undesired" said a Ch4 spokesman.</p> <p>"It all started off harmlessly enough, but in hindsight, given Gadaffi's penchant for pushing his citizens to the brink countless times since he assumed power following the unheralded success of the Libyan 'Candid Camera: Military Coup Special' in the late 1960's, we perhaps should have seen this coming"</p> <p>"Despite Gadaffi's continued assurance that 'one day, we will all look back on this and laugh', we simply don't feel that the resultant situation fits in to our broadcasting ethos" continued the spokesman.</p> <p>An episode of 'Come Dine With Me' featuring Robert Mugabe, Kim Jong-Il, Omar Al-Bashir and Hu Jintao will be shown in its place. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18917#post-51053 Thu, 23 Dec 2010 09:39:12 +0000 dogwheels 51053@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Love it! You could expand it to other shows - BBC show not strictly about the dancing; I'm a Celebrity... next to be investigated. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18917#post-51050 Thu, 23 Dec 2010 09:35:39 +0000 MC One R 51050@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Producers of The Apprentice have admitted fraud in court, following the accusation that the phrase "...sixteen of the country's brightest business prospects..." is clearly incorrect.</p> <p>The judge has ruled that all future series must contain the following phrase in the title sequence:</p> <p>"Whilst the majority of the country's brightest business prospects work in the City with FTSE 100 listed companies, or with international law firms, sixteen of the country's biggest self-centred, odious, ill-mannered, unorganised, vomit-inducing twenty-somethings have come to London to compete for a position with a miserable barrowboy-come-good for a salary that the 'brightest business prospects' wouldn't consider, unless it was meant as a weekly figure." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18660#post-50325 Sun, 19 Dec 2010 15:00:58 +0000 Ostsee 50325@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Thanks. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18660#post-50322 Sun, 19 Dec 2010 14:50:57 +0000 Trickster 50322@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>just for you Ostsee! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18660#post-50316 Sun, 19 Dec 2010 14:02:22 +0000 Ostsee 50316@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I will not believe it unless it appears on Wikileaks, as is the latest fashion. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18660#post-50314 Sun, 19 Dec 2010 13:17:20 +0000 Trickster 50314@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Wikileaks has just revealed news of HBO's controversial new TV drama, Guatanamo Baywatch. The series will be filmed on location in Cuba. Series creator Amnesty TV said: "We aim to carry a political message, forcing viewers to endure abject torture and human rights abuses watching sexy topless oiled beach babes like Bianca Jagger and Anna Ardin in bright orange, skimpy swimwear." Executive producer Silvio Burlesque confirmed the series will have political impact, saying: "There will be lots of juicy torture and abuse, but it will be with actors, not real, so actually just lots of harmless sexy fun." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8374#post-22534 Mon, 12 Jul 2010 14:55:23 +0000 curry muncher 22534@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><img src="http://www.thejudge.me.uk/imagebank/illustrations/prick.jpg"> </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8374#post-22516 Mon, 12 Jul 2010 12:44:41 +0000 mr blue 22516@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Barry Cryer would be proud of his old jokes being recycled so efficiently. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=8374#post-22514 Mon, 12 Jul 2010 12:33:20 +0000 Dangerfield 22514@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>At the centre of the row that led to the end of the endorsement deal was the packaging on a line of organic sausages. The celebrity felt that the prominence of the wording "Prick with a fork" was more a comment about him than a cooking instruction. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5668#post-15433 Fri, 04 Jun 2010 13:13:32 +0000 dicky37 15433@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The wife of ‘Handy Andy’, DIY expert in popular BBC show Changing Rooms, has revealed people should refer to her husband as just Andy, since it’s 'far more factually correct'.</p> <p>Long-suffering Geraldine Kane broke years of silence as she described that, far from being handy, clumsy Kane is actually ‘useless, just useless around the house’. </p> <p>‘To be honest Andrew struggles with the simplest of joinery tasks. What you see on screen is all done off-camera by carpenters from the production company; usually while Andrew’s fiddling with his PSP in the corner. He just steps in to finish off the job, and take all the glory,’ she sighs.</p> <p>While the Handy Andy nickname was her idea, it was originally meant as a joke. ‘I was just being sarcastic. We’d got tickets to the filming of Can’t Cook , Won’t Cook and Andrew managed to lock our keys in the car outside Television Centre. Linda Barker overheard me say 'Oh that’s handy Andy', and it kind of stuck. The producers told us they’d been searching for a down-to-earth Cockney character for the show for a while, and we needed the money, so we went along with it. But now that we have our second home and the swimming pool I think people deserve to know the truth.’</p> <p>Last night the BBC admitted that during the height of Changing Rooms fame the show’s participants were sworn to secrecy to protect Kane and the show’s image. ‘He actually thought a 2x4 was some kind of half-sized jeep,’ added a BBC executive. ‘It’s shocking.’</p> <p>Geraldine eventually decided to come clean after fears that, under strict new advertising regulations, her husband could be prosecuted for promoting himself using fraudulent terms. ‘I saw a story about Michael Barrymore. His agent was trying to overturn a court ruling that banned him from referring to Barrymore as 'popular TV funnyman'. There’s a lesson for us all.’<br /> [b] </p>