http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=trading-standards The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Thu, 23 May 2013 19:40:26 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41401#post-118218 Thu, 12 Apr 2012 19:05:00 +0000 dvo4fun 118218@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>yep. particularly liked the Millwall line </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41401#post-118158 Thu, 12 Apr 2012 11:30:55 +0000 Midfield Diamond 118158@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There'll be dancing on the streets of Port Vale at this news. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41401#post-118067 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 15:49:14 +0000 Oxbridge 118067@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Liverpool omission corrected. And a few other edits to keep Mr Troll happy. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41401#post-118034 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 11:44:01 +0000 RickH 118034@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>*****<br /> Love the "actually darling" addition </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41401#post-118033 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 11:31:28 +0000 Scronnyglonkle 118033@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I have given you five stars for acting as a humour catalyst despite not hat tipping me for my liverpool idea, you Rupert Murdoch type rougue, well done! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=41401#post-118029 Wed, 11 Apr 2012 10:56:15 +0000 Oxbridge 118029@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>There has been widespread consternation among football clubs up and down the country, following the news that trading standards officers have forced Chelsea FC to change their name to Fulham FC because they are actually based in the London Borough of Hammersmith &amp; Fulham. Now a complete blitz of any potentially misleading details in team names is being promised.</p> <p>'Fulham seem quite pleased at becoming The REAL Chelsea Actually Darling FC, but Arsenal and Crystal Palace will have to change as it could confuse consumers to have them named after long demolished buildings that were nowhere near their grounds anyway,' said Adrian Morris, head of trading standards under Mayor Boris Johnson. </p> <p>'Tottenham are actually in Tottenham, but I'm afraid Hotspur will have to go too, as spurs are one of very few items of stolen goods not being sold on the Tottenham High Road right now. I also sent an officer a few days ago to tell Millwall they'll have to change as they're in Bermondsey, but until he regains consciousness in hospital I won't know how that went.'</p> <p>Chaos is threatening to erupt as the principle is extended throughout the country. Manchester United have been advised they can only keep their name if 'In Hatred of Us' is appended to it, while Sheffield Wednesday can only do so if they agree not to play at weekends. Newcastle United, as a one-club city, can keep the 'United' but may have to change their name to 'Old Castle We're Too Pissed to Notice Anyway United'.</p> <p>Not all clubs are opposed to the move, however. In Scotland, amateur club Brechin City are delighted at the prospect of becoming a feeder club to Liverpool under their new name of Brechin an' Enterin', while Queen of the South have cleared all their debts after renaming themselves Dumfries FC and selling the rights to their old name to Brighton.</p> <p>'Social change can also make posh names misleading,' added Morris. 'So just to be on the safe side, we will probably advise Accrington Stanley and Crewe Alexandra to become Accrington Dwayne and Crewe Kylie-Storm. But Reading can keep their name, even though no-one there can read. Even trading standards officers appreciate irony you know.'</p> <p>[Adapted from original by Jesse Bigg. Hat tips to Drylaw, Scronnyglonkle, Bonjonelson, RickH and Seymour Totti] </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114969 Sat, 24 Mar 2012 18:13:41 +0000 dvo4fun 114969@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Hangin' your head in shame I hope haywood</p> <p>Nice </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114957 Sat, 24 Mar 2012 16:53:24 +0000 Haywood Manley 114957@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Should have done my research properly - I feel like such an idiot. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114955 Sat, 24 Mar 2012 16:44:36 +0000 Mandy Lifeboat 114955@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Top story. Pendantry on my part to point out that trading standards is an upper tier local authority function so more accurately the spokesman would be from Derbyshire County Council rather than Amber Valley District Council. I know I should get out more... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114953 Sat, 24 Mar 2012 15:40:47 +0000 Haywood Manley 114953@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Any better? Still can't think of a headline though:</p> <p>Mr. DIY, a one-man Derbyshire firm which offers to carry out customers' odd jobs for them has been threatened with closure by a local council unless it changes its name, as it apparently contravenes the 1968 Trade Descriptions Act.</p> <p>A spokesperson for Amber Valley Trading Standards explained: "What we have here is fraud, plain and simple. If I were to say, 'I will come to your house and carry out your DIY for you,' then from that moment on it ceases to be DIY. What it actually becomes is GSETDIFY, namely 'Get Someone Else To Do It For You'. It is a flagrant breach of the rules."</p> <p>Yet despite the council's hard-line stance there did appear to be opportunity for a compromise:</p> <p>"Of course Mr. DIY can continue trading under the same name, but only if he agrees to sell his services exclusively to himself. Otherwise, if he does not change his name to MR. GSETDIFY within thirty days we will have no choice but to take the necessary action and close him down."</p> <p>However, Mr. DIY, aka Matthew Rowley of Heanor, remained defiant and offered the council a compromise of his own:</p> <p>"I'll change it to Mr. Chap Uses Nice Tools if they want. Let's see how they like seeing that on the side of my van." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114946 Sat, 24 Mar 2012 14:35:10 +0000 Jacobandthehats 114946@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Good idea, I'm not sure the body of the article needs any work, maybe just the headline. Or maybe I'm just easily pleased. Either way, I enjoyed it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114891 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 22:34:11 +0000 Midfield Diamond 114891@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Yeah, top idea. Headline and punchline could both do with a bit of work, and I've been down the pub so this could well sound bollocks in the cold light of day, but how about Mr DIY offering a compromise of Mr IAIFIUAGAMI (I admit I fucked it up and got a man in). </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114890 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 22:05:16 +0000 Haywood Manley 114890@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Standards must be maintained. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114882 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 20:36:07 +0000 dvo4fun 114882@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Glad to see priorities sorted </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114852 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 17:00:04 +0000 Haywood Manley 114852@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Agreed about the punchline - needs work but it's beer o'clock now </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114821 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 15:46:46 +0000 dvo4fun 114821@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Nice idea Haywood - could do with a punchier punch-line I think </p> <p>And I wondered if Matthew's penultimate para might include 'WTF?' and/or 'FFS!'? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=40367#post-114816 Fri, 23 Mar 2012 14:55:47 +0000 Haywood Manley 114816@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Mr. DIY, a one-man Derbyshire firm which offers to carry out customers' odd jobs for them has been threatened with closure by a local council unless it changes its name, as it apparently contravenes the 1968 Trade Descriptions Act.</p> <p>A spokesperson for Amber Valley Trading Standards explained: "What we have here is fraud, plain and simple. If I were to say to you, 'I will come to your house and carry out your DIY for you,' then from that moment it ceases to be DIY. What it actually becomes is GSETDIFY, namely "Get Someone Else To Do It For You'. If Mr. DIY does not comply with our quite reasonable order to change his name to MR. GSETDIFY within thirty days then we will have no choice but to take the necessary action and close him down." He continued, "We simply will not tolerate such flagrant breaches of the rules."</p> <p>Mr. DIY, aka Matthew Rowley of Heanor, commented: "GSETDI-what? I have absolutely no idea what they're on about."</p> <p>Rowley intends to fight the council and is even prepared to take the case to court if necessary, where he will of course be representing himself. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5268#post-14451 Sat, 29 May 2010 08:19:17 +0000 Doctor Moptop 14451@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I need a better headline - this one's bobbins. Suggestions much appreciated. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5268#post-14421 Fri, 28 May 2010 19:22:08 +0000 Doctor Moptop 14421@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Grumblers spent thousands of pounds on a Blackpool hoopla stall - aware the odds of winning anything worth more than 10p were 732,600,400 to one. </p> <p>Items from the stall were later seized and passed to expert Dr "Lucky" Lucy, who often helps evaluate forensic evidence for the police. </p> <p>"It was all cheap shit made in Taiwan," he said. "Only complete idiots pay hundreds of pounds to win a plastic comb available in any discount shop for a few pence."</p> <p>He recreated the game in laboratory conditions and invited staff and students to play - all without success.</p> <p>"Clearly I work with idiots, too," concluded Dr Lucy. </p> <p>Officials from Blackpool Council visited the stall over a two-year period and witnessed hundreds of thousands of imbeciles trying to win cheap, plastic crap. </p> <p>Most of the them were visitors wearing "See You Jimmy" tam o'shanters the Authority said. </p> <p>Council public protection officer Hank Mcshaunney said: "One muttonhead who had come to Blackpool had spent £1,200 to £1,500 playing the hoopla game. It is to be hoped he doesn't ever get offered the chance to meet Prince Andrew." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4589#post-12874 Mon, 17 May 2010 08:24:33 +0000 The All New Jeni B 12874@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>About time someone took this shocking habit to task!!<br /> We need to address the random appearance of a single Roast Chicken crisp that unexpectedly turn up in other flavours. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4589#post-12873 Mon, 17 May 2010 08:02:41 +0000 QorbeQ 12873@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like that Mr P! </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4589#post-12870 Mon, 17 May 2010 07:53:03 +0000 jp1885 12870@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Some of Britain's major supermarket chains are facing the wrath of the Trading Standards Institute, it has emerged, following reports that their own-brand bags of fresh air are being half filled with crisps in order to bulk out the packaging.</p> <p>According to a Trading Standard preliminary report, supermarkets are using this tactic to make the packets look fuller: 'The consumer thinks she's getting good value for money,' wrote one investigator, 'but in reality what they think is a family size bag of air mainly consists of a fried potato snack.'</p> <p>Retail giant Sainburys is one of the companies under fire, with their premium bags of Sandbanks Sea Air consisting of up to 50% sea salt and malt vinegar crisps and their Atmosphere of Kobe Beef Grazing Pasture being in the main a staggering 70% Fillet Steak crinkle cut potato chips. Rivals Asda are also on the defensive, after their budget Bugger-All and Sweet F.A packs were found to contain over 30g of scampi and bacon flavour fries respectively.</p> <p>Trading standards have urged supermarkets to follow the lead of the household names of such as Walkers, whose snacks contain a ratio of 10% crisp to 90% fresh air - the 10% being the minimum industry standard amount of fried potato ballast needed to stop the bags being blown off the shelves.</p> <p>However the supermarkets have hit back at these allegations, with one industry spokesman calling for the air/crisp ratio to be reviewed. 'Our packaging needs to be not only foil-lined to keep our air fresh, but also has to be fully biodegradable. The material we use to achieve this is far lighter than that used to make standard packets, and therefore needs to be weighed down by a greater proportion of salty snack treats. If Trading Standards wants to dispute this, then we are more than happy to take them on in the courts, unless the case amicably settles in transit.' </p>