http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=tories The NewsBiscuit Community en-US Sat, 18 May 2013 12:26:39 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/search.php http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=56465#post-163160 Sat, 16 Feb 2013 09:40:25 +0000 sydalg 163160@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>"We'll send it right back to where it came from". </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=55987#post-161673 Fri, 08 Feb 2013 12:38:46 +0000 andygibbard 161673@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Pressure on the Conservative are increasing after it was admitted that the Tory manifesto dates back to a document written by William the Conqueror in 1035. The scandal started when political commentators compared the scroll - reading 'Make the rich richer, peasants poorer, keep the foreigners out' - to the Tories' top tax rate cuts, welfare reforms and planned EU referendums. When questioned by a journalist at a banquet, a David Cameron aide was heard to mutter "that's all we've got", and a full admission followed later in a press release.</p> <p>Labour leader Ed Miliband today responded to the discovery in a statement, referring to the Tories as "brutal kings in their castles, widening the rich-poor divide and ignoring the need for collaboration". Chancellor George Osborne rebutted the claims though, saying: "This comparison couldn't be further from the truth. I, for one, haven't had a functioning moat since the plebs at the council forced me to install a water meter in 2010. I have also been donating £2 a month to Oxfam for well over a month." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31376#post-89795 Sun, 09 Oct 2011 20:25:42 +0000 Textbook 89795@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I like this and greatly aniticipate a front page photoshop of Osborne brandishing the bag, perhqps even distributing it to a crowd. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31376#post-88767 Mon, 03 Oct 2011 23:08:06 +0000 dvo4fun 88767@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Full House; stars and stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31376#post-88751 Mon, 03 Oct 2011 21:49:06 +0000 Screenie 88751@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Although they will be leaving a trial back to who's fault it is in the first place. Stars. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31376#post-88704 Mon, 03 Oct 2011 18:59:17 +0000 writinginbsl 88704@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>funny<br /> stars </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31376#post-88692 Mon, 03 Oct 2011 18:32:09 +0000 Vertically Challenged Giant 88692@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Cracking stuff </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31376#post-88689 Mon, 03 Oct 2011 18:12:52 +0000 waylandsmithy 88689@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I suppose we'll be expected to pay for these breadcrumbs? I for one don't want a garden full of poor people, mucking up the paths with their 'mess'. Hopefully the neighbours' cats will eat them, before they start demanding coconuts. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31376#post-88688 Mon, 03 Oct 2011 18:06:29 +0000 kga6 88688@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Torrific! </p> <p>As the ducks of poverty peck away at stale breadcrumbs of condescension, and the swans of ignorance push in to get the buttery ones, it's time to end the show... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31376#post-88597 Mon, 03 Oct 2011 09:31:24 +0000 TokyoTomato 88597@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The chancellor, George Osborne, is to announce plans for a giant bag of breadcrumbs to be scattered in the general direction of poor people as a central pillar in his policy to help struggling families make it through the winter.</p> <p>"Food in winter is often hard to come by for poor people. It may be buried beneath snow or ice. Or wherever it is that poor people look for food," said a Treasury spokesman. "This measure will benefit poor people directly and immediately. And what's more it will cost the government next to nothing as we were thinking of throwing away the bread anyway," he continued. "Even though it's kind of dry and stale, sometimes I throw a big handful out into the garden and soon there's a whole crowd out there pecking away at that bread. It's something to see...," his voice trailing off as if in a reverie.</p> <p>The truly huge bag of breadcrumbs is just one of several policy initiatives announced over the last week. Other measures will include sympathetic remarks at cocktail parties about how hard it must be to have no money, as well as patronizing advice on household budgeting from people whose bank balance never falls below seven digits as a matter of principle. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20884#post-56301 Fri, 04 Feb 2011 10:52:12 +0000 John Wiltshire 56301@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'This is an excellent new system,' said a Tory spokesman. 'It discriminates against poor MPs, so with any luck Parliament will soon consist solely of rich Tory toffs, and we can concentrate on taking the country into the 17th century again.' </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20673#post-55799 Mon, 31 Jan 2011 10:53:42 +0000 sunner 55799@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>'These wild animals have been sponging free-housing off the Government for too long'- Tories defend forest cuts </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50878 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 14:00:00 +0000 IABP 50878@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Can you condense the whole sub into a one-liner? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50871 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 13:41:11 +0000 Golgo13 50871@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Excellent </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50869 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 13:34:19 +0000 riesler 50869@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Maybe we would be better having Richard Hammond as transport secretary? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50849 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:44:52 +0000 Doylem 50849@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p><blockquote>I would rather guide my father into my mother than build the bloody thing.</blockquote></p> <p>Made me laugh, despite myself... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50847 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:43:49 +0000 bonjonelson 50847@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Awesome, ie it deserves some awe. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18872#post-50845 Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:41:38 +0000 casualTLE 50845@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The government intends to invest hundreds of millions of pounds on snowploughs, gritters and salt supplies in a bid to "jinx" the chances of Britain experiencing another rough winter, it emerged this morning.</p> <p>In an interview on The Today Programme, Transport Secretary Philip Hammond said: "This is the third freezing winter in a row, which statistically cannot be just chance. We've tried asking climate scientists and that lot but they keep coming back with confusing phrases like 'global warming' that I don't understand. So instead we're going back to basics and using good old-fashioned common sense, which dictates that blowing hundreds of millions on this kit would definitely jinx it and it'll never get used."</p> <p>"This isn't just dropping a load of cash on stuff we won't need, like the high speed railway - this is a proper, sound investment in totally jinxing the chance of it snowing ever again."</p> <p>Meanwhile, Business Secretary Vince Cable told undercover reporters: "Likening our approach to investing in winter equipment with high speed rail is ridiculous - we remain committed to the high speed railway. Was it that way round? Well it doesn't matter anyway because we're not really committed to the high speed railway - you see, we'll only have to start paying for the thing in the next parliament, and so long as we screw things up as badly as we're on course to, it'll leave Labour actually having to deal with it. The reality is that I would rather guide my father into my mother than build the bloody thing. And you think I'm wrinkly. Would you like a Werther's Original?"</p> <p>"The Tories are behind this, you know. I heard a bunch of them singing 'I'm dreaming of a white Christmas' in the Commons Bar the other night, followed by 'there's no business like snow business'. [Philip] Hammond's brother-in-law runs SnoPloughCorp and will win all the contracts unless someone like me declares war on him."</p> <p>Senior Tories were quick to criticise Cable's comments. Baroness Gardner of Parkes, who is actually a real person, said: "This country needs to invest in the means to keep us going throughout cold winters, and it's short-sighted of the Business Secretary to say otherwise."</p> <p>"Although it's true that we are dreaming of a white Christmas - but only because we're a bunch of massive, massive racists." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=10744#post-29358 Wed, 18 Aug 2010 19:47:05 +0000 la maga 29358@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Prime Minister has been forced to deny that Britain is on the verge of returning to the Dark Ages after news has leaked out that Tory MPs are re-fortifying their castles <em>en masse</em>. Most of the castles have not been properly fortified for between three and eight hundred years but for modern fortifications contractors business is booming. </p> <p>"They tell us that they expect a return to the Dark Ages any day now," one contractor explained on condition of anonymity. "They expect that the massive withdrawal of government services will create a new class of propertyless poor, or 'serfs' as they sometimes call them, and that it will be necessary to keep them at bay with fortifications and heavy weaponry."</p> <p>The Prime Minister has had to defend his MPs not only against the charge of selfishly fortifying themselves while leaving middle class areas unprotected, but also against the charge that a return to the Dark Ages is in fact the desired outcome of the Tory policies. "There's a lot of nostalgia for Medieval times among the aristocracy and their hangers-on," explained a well-know commentator on stuff. "There is speculation that the government is using the deficit as an excuse to do what the Tories always want to do: cut spending, lower taxes on the rich, increase the gap between rich and poor and reinstate feudalism."</p> <p>Tory MPs have individually and collectively denied the charges levelled at them. "It's outrageous that people slander us so," spluttered Oswald Inkleby-Speringforth of Borrenshire - who in political life goes by the name of John Timpson - when cornered on his estate. "If I want to have the portals above my gate where the boiling oil used to be poured re-opened that's my business. These accusations get thrown around as though there's something wrong with adding a bit of bullet-proof plating to modernise the battlements. The only nostalgia I have is for when journalists used to show a bit of bloody respect. Now get off my land before I stick your head in my trebuchet." </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9458#post-25563 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 11:16:18 +0000 ramblesnake 25563@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>How come jambutty only ever comments and only on your subs rosewing? </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9458#post-25549 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:39:16 +0000 rosewing 25549@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Another idea put forward by Virgin is to use the unemployed to replace broadband to homes in rural areas. This would see a chain of of runners delivering 'e-mails' by hand. It appears this is twice as faster as Virgins current connection </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9458#post-25542 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:22:24 +0000 jambutty 25542@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>The Hertfordshire Hunt have offered sponsorship they see the unemployed as a useful substitute for the lack of foxes in the area </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9458#post-25541 Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:19:48 +0000 rosewing 25541@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ian Duncan Smith today announced the privatisation of the benefits system in an effort to close the deficit. Early frontrunners for sponsorship are Heinz with a re introduction of soup kitchens<br /> David Cameron is backing the new scheme and has suggested many useful ways in which people on benefits could usefully help society he added "Traffic Cones Direct are extremely interested in supporting this venture as they see dressing benefit scroungers in bright orange dayglow jackets and lining then up along motorways as a cheaper alternative to cones" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9335#post-25062 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:21:30 +0000 jambutty 25062@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>I heard that Nick Clegg was able to look up his own arse </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=9335#post-25057 Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:45:57 +0000 rosewing 25057@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>A source close to the Prime Minister (Could well have been HP but may have been tomato ) revealed today that the Lib-Dem party is to replace all GB gymnasts for the 2012 games. The source said [quote]"The ability of the senior members of the party to bend over backwards in an attempt to please their Tory masters has finally been recognised as an outstanding piece of gymnastics" There is a touch of sadness however as the leader Nick Clegg seems to be suffering from a slipped disc due to the intensity of his lotus position at PMQs last week. The full extent of his injuries was only revealed when he had to be unravelled by Vince Cable himself having been extricated from David Camerons backside. A spokesman for Sport England commented just before he was abolished[quote] "I think it is a cost cutting ploy by the government " but even he had to marvel at the incredible flexibility of the Lib-Dems </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7604#post-20564 Thu, 01 Jul 2010 15:13:25 +0000 Sinnick 20564@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ant &amp; Dave have today admitted that their new job is quite similar to presenting BB. Indeed, running the UK is not as hard as they'd thought. The photo session in the garden of no.10 went well, and showed who was boss. Full analysis later, once the interpreter has completed translation ... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=7447#post-20077 Wed, 30 Jun 2010 07:46:18 +0000 dicky37 20077@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>In a bid to 'better reflect the socioeconomic status of UK users', drugs such as marijuana, crack and speed will be classified 'Working Class', while substances such as cocaine will be 'Middle Class'... </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=4088#post-11541 Sat, 08 May 2010 17:39:46 +0000 Duff 11541@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Prime Minister in waiting, David Cameron, is facing one of the toughest decisions of his short political career, and that's before he even gets his feet under the table at No.10. Unbelievably he is having to wrestle with the possibility that he may have to sack a leading member of his soon-to-be-formed cabinet, before they've even been offered the post!</p> <p>Sources close to the Tory Leader say that has been sent reeling by news that bookies favourite to become Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, is in fact the brother of Piers Morgan. The shattering news for the Conservatives came to light as a result of information unearthed for an episode of BBC's popular genealogy show 'Who do you think you are? Preliminary research on the show's subject, Morgan, led to documents being discovered that prove beyond all doubt that the two are identical twins who were separated at birth.</p> <p>Professor of genealogy, Rudolph Schmit, a researcher on the programme comments. "Once we discovered the documentation so many things fell into place all at once. The shared traits were obvious. There and then we began to understand why two people in the media spotlight, but who were from seemingly different families, could be equally smug and smarmy. The answer was simple once we made our discovery. It was like a light going on"</p> <p>Political commentators say that now the information is in the public domain, Mr Cameron will have to act swiftly before untold damage is done to his fledgling administration. Focus groups and party advisors had cautioned that Mr Osborne was quite a despised figure and caused nausea in a large section of the population. This was already threatening his political future, but now with a direct link to Morgan proven many believe that his position is becoming untenable, and it's understood that he is coming under considerable pressure to fall on his sword and make David Cameron's decision easier.</p> <p>Piers Morgan has issued a denial and has made it known to the BBC that he now wishes to withdraw from participation in the show. However he has stopped short of taking legal action and this is being seen as an admission of guilt on his part. The consensus among both TV an political pundits now being that the future of both men looks to be fairly bleak.</p> <p>PR guru, Max Clifford, commented. "Even I can't see a way to put a positive spin on this for either of them. The extra smugness and smarminess factor that this revelation brings to both, when added to the already existing accumulated high levels, simply makes it impossible to overcome. I honestly believe that the only course of action open to George and Piers is that they retire gracefully with as little fuss as possible" </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3796#post-10898 Wed, 05 May 2010 10:53:07 +0000 Duff 10898@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Ruthless plans by an in-coming Conservative government that will see our senior citizens institutionalized and confined to the scrap heap at the first sign of doddery behaviour, have been leaked in the run-up to the election. </p> <p>The memo, penned by a senior Tory, seeks to bring in tough new post-election laws that will see confined to care homes, "<em>pepole who go upstairs only to realise they can't remember why" "people who block the aisles in supermarkets talking about Bert's operation"</em> and perhaps most signcantly <em>"people who say I'm seventy two and I still got all me own teeth"</em></p> <p>Pressure groups for the elderly are said to be "livid" at the news, and veteran broadcaster, Sir Terry Wogan, is planning to mobilise his TOGs in an organised protest rally in Trafalgar Square next Saturday, just so long as he doesn't forget about it. </p> http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3242#post-9310 Sun, 25 Apr 2010 22:43:31 +0000 MightyBlair 9310@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/ <p>Voters attending their local polling station are to face rigorous examination to ensure their vote counts fully after a last minute change to the balloting system. Whilst the Electoral Committee cannot deny anybody the vote, they are able to reduce the weight of each vote on the basis of worthiness to ensure that the ballots of the idle and the stupid are not fully counted. It is believed that this may reduce the chances of an unfair result, as well as preventing members of the public from voting on the basis of their favourite colour. </p> <p>Prior to entry, prospective voters are to be given a short spatial I.Q test, wherein they must take a number of uniquely shaped objects and attempt to fit them through correspondingly shaped holes. Upon completion, they are allowed entry into the polling station. Before entering the booth itself, the candidates are required to sit a set of brief but demanding tests, beginning with a comprehension test, wherein they must read a short passage from ‘The Adventures of Spot’ and indicate to the official present which animal depicted is the main protagonist. Each person is then required to pass a demanding maths test by counting the number of people in the room. The final examination requires each individual to be subjected to a lie-detector test, during which a pre-recorded video of Jeremy Kyle asks a number of questions about the voter’s views on immigration, their beliefs on the means for economic progress, and how many times, since the time you told your partner about, have you had rough drunken sex with a stranger. The video runs through an algorithm which allows it to respond appropriately to each individual, with those who lie or express an unpleasant view being subjected to a typically sanctimonious and belittling barrage from Jeremy Kyle. The severity of Kyle’s automated response, along with the results from the other tests, allow the polling officials to adjust the weight of the vote to be cast. </p> <p>Those who complete all tests successfully have the weight of their votes slashed to 20%, with failure on an each individual test boosting the weighting by 20%. The hope is that scheme will prevent informed and intelligent people from having an unfair influence on the election and drowning out the cries of the silent majority. The measures have brought widespread political and public condemnation. However, the conservative party has welcomed the changes, and has suggested that in addition to the existing measures, the polling stations should have all ramps removed, all trainers banned and ‘Gaydar beacons’ erected. </p>